As soon as your parents finish furiously humping you into existence, you embark on a magical journey that in nine months will take you from embryo to baby to unwilling Facebook spam. That's the PG version anyway, but what most after school specials tend to overlook is that along the way a developing human will go through so many creepy physical changes, you'd swear childbirth was something David Cronenberg invented while high on paint thinner.
WARNING: This article has some disturbing images that will ruin your life forever.
6 You Start Out as a Disembodied Asshole
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Have you ever wondered which body part first emerges from a fertilized egg? That's a really heavy question with some serious philosophical implications. Is it the brain? The heart? Oh man, wouldn't it be hilarious if it were the penis? Wouldn't it be an existential nightmare if it were a solitary anus seemingly stapled to a cluster of cells? Yeah, funny thing about that ...
No! Turn back! We'll say the brain and heart are first. And then courage.
Human beings belong to a group in the animal kingdom called deuterostomes, which also includes sea cucumbers, urchins, vertebrates, and everything else that literally comes to life anus first. In humans, after the sperm breaks through the egg's outer membrane like a blind, drunk bull, the embryo splits into many different cells, eventually becoming a blastula. The blastula cells rip open from the inside out, forming an opening called the blastopore, which as you may have guessed will one day develop into a glorious butthole (although why we stop calling it the far more awesome sounding "blastopore" is anybody's guess). But in the beginning, you are just an embryonic, unconnected anus floating around in your mom's uterus, which is both the literal truth and a pretty sick burn, if you care to use it.
"Imma whip your coelom-filled, mesoderm-lined ass, bitch!"
The blastopore anus eventually widens like some primitive goatse before tunneling through the blastula until it reaches the other side, where finally the mouth is formed. So essentially, Nature makes humans by constructing two opposing holes and then kind of filling in the blanks. "Deuterostome" is actually a Greek term that means "mouth second," because it's the second part of the body that humans develop, and naming the process any differently would have ended up with us calling ourselves "ass first."