#3. Man's Nose Job Requires 22 Corrections; the Nose Is Eventually Sliced Off
Thirty-five-year-old Vishal Thakkar from Tulsa, Oklahoma, had just gone through a divorce and was ready to head back into the dating scene without the burden of his "slightly misaligned nostrils" weighing him down, because as we all know, the very apex of physical beauty is judged by the symmetry of a person's booger caves. So Thakkar contacted Dr. Angelo Cuzalina, one of the highest rated plastic surgeons in the country and the president of the American Board of Plastic Surgery, to perform the fairly simple procedure of resculpting his nose holes.
Take it away; we can't even look at nostrils that marginally asymmetrical.
However, what should have been a quick outpatient surgery became over 20 separate procedures that gradually turned Thakkar into Gary Oldman from Hannibal, because Cuzalina apparently misheard Thakkar's request for a new nose as an impassioned plea to save money on Halloween costumes for the rest of his life.
This might not have lived up to the concept sketch.
Ironically, Thakkar was originally pleased with the results of the surgery but began to have trouble breathing and had to return for some adjustments. The problems kept compounding, requiring Thakkar to come back for more and more surgeries, until the nose allegedly became so badly infected that Cuzalina just chopped the whole thing right off his goddamned face.
The cobbled-together understudy for Thakkar's nose includes pieces of cartilage from his ear and his freaking ribcage, along with metal implants and gusts of mad-scientist laughter. (Thakkar specifically requested that his ear not be harvested for parts, gravely mistaking Cuzalina for a person with an overabundance of shits to give.) Thakkar is now left with a single giant nostril hiding beneath a lump of bulbous flesh vaguely resembling rest home nudity.
"I also used both your thumbs and a spinal disc to even out the sides."
Thakkar has to keep the hole propped open with a plastic straw in order to breathe or else his "nose" will collapse in on itself like a coal mine tragedy and suffocate him. Frankly, we're amazed the doctor didn't just Scotch tape some Play-Doh to the front of Thakkar's head and call it a day. And, yes, he's suing the doctor.
#2. Man Needs to Have Three Teeth Pulled; Dentist Pulls Them All
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Twenty-one-year-old Christopher Crist stopped by Amazing Family Dental in Indianapolis to have three problem teeth removed, rightfully expecting to be dazzled by amazing dentistry and sent on his merry way. The extraction proceeded normally at first, with Crist receiving a generous dose of numbing agents before the partial deboning of his mouth began. However, once the requested three teeth had been removed, the dentist decided to just go ahead and yank the remaining 25 from Crist's head, because Amazing Family Dental is apparently run by Orin Scrivello from Little Shop of Horrors.
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"I was just gonna take the three, but then 'Freebird' came on and I went a little nuts."
Crist (who, incidentally, is autistic) was sent staggering back to his family with fewer teeth than a jack-o'-lantern, completely unable to explain what had happened. He insists that he repeated explicit instructions to remove only the three specified teeth several times, but by the time the Great Molar Harvest fell into full swing, he was too groggy from the novocaine to do anything about it. The local news generously referred to the incident as a "communications mix-up," but one would assume that such a staggeringly life-altering measure as "ripping all of the teeth from your goddamned head" would require at least one or two carefully informed signatures and not simply be the dentist's default setting.
On the plus side, if you put 28 teeth under your pillow, the Tooth Fairy comes correct.
Crist and his family are preparing to file a complaint with the state, which we can only assume will lead to a substantial lawsuit, because there is no logical reason for a medical professional to extract all your food grinders without a seriously compelling and thoroughly documented reason. The dentist being some kind of goblin trying to make a necklace or a set of keys for a tiny piano doesn't count.
#1. Man Wakes Up from Bladder Surgery Without His Penis
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Sixty-seven-year-old Hurshell Ralls underwent surgery back in 1999 to carve a sizable chunk of cancer out of his bladder. When he awoke after the procedure, his wife was waiting by his bedside to deliver the good news that he was now cancer-free. However, that uplifting diagnosis came with an asterisk -- in order to prevent the spread of the cancer, his penis and testicles had been scooped out like soft-serve ice cream. And that sounds like a reasonable "better safe than sorry" measure until you hear the details.
Guess which sentence is going to come to mind every time you visit Dairy Queen from now on!
First, neither Ralls nor his wife were informed that depenification was a possibility before the surgery began, and once the operation was underway, neither one of them was asked for their consent before the doctor decided to yank Ralls' man-tube out like tickets from a skeeball machine.
To make matters worse, the doctor didn't even bother to check if the cancer had actually spread to Ralls' genitals until after the surgery was over and Ralls' penis was already festering in a medical waste bin. A tissue sample from his doomed wang was eventually tested and found to be 100 percent clear -- no trace of cancer whatsoever. They'd guillotined his groin steak like a French king for no damned reason.
"Diseased, not diseased ... whatever. Come on; it's half past beer o'clock."
This left Ralls feeling understandably put out, and he sued the hospital for $5 million, which is probably enough money to cybernetically revive his severed dick like RoboCop. The case was settled out of court for an unspecified amount, thereby alleviating the castration-happy doctor from having to admit to any wrongdoing. Which means he's probably still working there, performing surgeries.
Pro Tip: If the doctor has a cigar cutter sitting beside the forceps, that tonsillectomy might not be worth it.
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Related Reading: Speaking of horrible surgery, how about a a patch sewed onto your tongue to encourage dieting? But on the plus side, moustache surgery is a thing. And have you heard about these doctors who went crazy on the job?