Surgery, no matter how minor, is a scary thing. You have to put yourself entirely at the mercy of total strangers as they cut open your unconscious body and shove their hands into it, trusting that their medical license is some kind of magic talisman that keeps them from doing anything terrible to you while they're poking around in there. Most of the time, everything turns out OK and our fears were all for naught. But every once in a while, a person wakes up from a fairly routine surgical procedure with a stomach stitched full of medical supplies, missing a chunk from their face, or taking dumps out of their freaking wieners.
So let's start with that last one ...
6 Surgery Causes Man to Start Pooping and Farting Through His Penis
We're very sorry we had to type that headline.
Delaware resident Joseph Swain had already been through enough by the time he underwent surgery for a reverse colostomy. He was recovering from diverticulitis, a condition wherein a hole forms in the side of your colon because of some cruel injustice you inflicted on a warlock in a past life. Part of his colon had to be removed, which called for the initial colostomy, a procedure in which your poops get delivered into a charming bag to the delight of your friends and family. The reverse colostomy was meant to reattach Swain's healed colon to his anus. Unfortunately, the doctors accidentally stapled his colon to his bladder.
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"I told you we should've taken a left turn at Albuquerque."
The results were exactly what you think they were -- Swain began passing fecal matter and feculent gas through his urethra. That's right -- Swain was pooping and ripping farts out of his dickhole. In addition to the agonizing torture of squeezing diarrhea through his wang, Swain was at a tremendous risk of serious infection, as well as losing all belief in the existence of a just and benevolent Creator.
We're pretty sure God gives you a pass in that situation.
Swain had to suffer through two weeks of boiling dickfarts before the mishap was corrected. Once his bodily functions were back to normal, Swain filed a lawsuit against the doctors who performed the reverse colostomy. The doctors maintain that the mishap wasn't their fault, insisting that Swain's terrible ordeal was an unfortunate result of his condition, although we hasten to note that "your colon may staple itself to your bladder" is not one of the documented symptoms of diverticulitis.