#2. Pitching a Tent
Thinkstock Images/Comstock/Getty Images
There are two solid reasons you should never go camping alone. For one, you'll probably be eaten alive by groundhogs or beavers. For two, it's incredibly difficult to put a tent up by yourself.
Kim Carson/Photodisc/Getty Images
Also you're not a serial killer, so invite a damn friend.
That's why people who are not sad and poor go to "glamping" resorts where finely appointed luxury tents are pre-assembled with elfin magic.
Attempts at regular camping have lost many stubborn, guilt-ridden rich folk.
But if you are sad and poor, your only hope is to trick Dave into coming along on your little adventure.
#1. Chopping Down a Tree
Everyone should have a chainsaw. And everyone who has a chainsaw should never turn down an excuse to use that chainsaw.
"Trees? Sure, I think it cuts those too."
When you really think about it, having trees on your property is more trouble than it's worth, particularly if you live in a region with varied seasons. Trees have those leaves that you'll have to rake up and that will clog your gutters every year. Plus eventually they will die anyway, so why not take them down when it's convenient for you? Do your tree grieving on your own terms. And it's not like your neighbor can stop you from breathing oxygen produced by his trees.
Technically you can cut down a tree alone, but it's pretty dangerous. We're not here to get into the nuts and bolts of how to do this beyond avoiding unnecessary blood loss. Since you very well may fail at that directive, Dave's first job should be to have his phone at the ready with 911 on speed dial.
Also don't get creative with unjamming.
Later, Dave should be directed to run away from the falling tree, which should be headed in a predetermined location that does not contain your house.
At this point a pair of enraged nesting bluejays will likely begin dive bombing you with the express purpose of relieving your face of its eyeballs. If Dave follows your instructions, they should be following him.