#3. Myth: The Withdrawal Method is Completely Unreliable
If you think back to your high school health class, chances are you'll remember your teacher awkwardly demonstrating how to cover a banana with a condom while singing the praises of proper birth control. For example, the boy can't simply pull his wing-wang out of the girl's hoo-ha right before ejaculation and expect that to work as a form of birth control (the so-called "withdrawal method"). After all, he said, that little bit of juice that trickles out at the start sexual activity is more than enough to get a woman pregnant!
Behold the horror your carelessness has wrought.
Let's start with condoms. They're usually a pretty good thing to start with. According to one study, condoms have a 98 percent success rate when used perfectly. Pretty goddamn good, right? So where does the withdrawal method stand -- 50 percent? Maybe 70, tops? Actually, that same study found that when the withdrawal method is used perfectly, it has a 96 percent success rate.
Now we know what you're thinking. The catch is those two extra words thrown in there -- "used perfectly" -- because in a world filled with bumbling dumbasses, who ever manages to use anything perfectly? And you're absolutely right to think that, because with imperfect use the success rate of the withdrawal method falls to 82 percent. Thing is, when condoms are used imperfectly, their success rate also falls to 83 percent. So no matter how you look at it, condoms are only a percent or two better than just using some restraint and calling a retreat before the ol' purple-headed warrior pukes (never let it be said that we at Cracked don't know sexy).
But wait, how can that be possible when a dude has sperm trickling out the whole time, even before orgasm? Well, two separate studies discovered that there are hardly any sperm at all in it, and the ones that are tend to be gimpy. Now again, none of this will help you prevent STD's -- that's where condoms really are king. But when it comes to birth control? A little self-control actually goes a long way.
#2. Myth: Sex the Night Before Playing Sports Hinders Performance
When the Pittsburgh Steelers were gearing up to play in the 2006 Super Bowl, how do you think they prepared? By lifting some extra weights? Running some extra drills? Maybe so, but most importantly they were separated from their wives before the big game, because everyone knows that having sex before a game can disrupt your athletic performance. It's been a prevailing theory in professional sports for generations -- it came up in Rocky and Raging Bull, and even the great Muhammad Ali refused to have sex for six weeks before a fight.
Keep the Rope-A-Dope in the ring, Champ.
And if you think about it, it makes a sort of logical sense. After all, not only will sex tire a dude out, but it will also drain his testosterone -- and if there's one thing competitive sports needs more of, it's a heaping helping of testosterone with a side of male aggression.But Actually ...
First of all, you may be surprised to learn that sex really isn't all that tiring. It turns out that a vigorous game of Shame the Kielbasa (we may be doing sex euphemisms wrong) only burns about as many calories as you'd burn if you walked up a couple flights of stairs. If that's the kind of thing that makes you too tired to compete the next day, you're not a professional athlete; you're a professional Wal-Martscooterer.
"After this we can relax with a nice Double Reverse Tennessee Twist."
But what about the testosterone? Well, research has found that sex actually causes the body to produce more testosterone. So, if anything, sex actually makes a man more competitive and aggressive. On the other hand, if he goes without sex for a long enough period of time, he will literally have the testosterone levels of a child. So abstinence might be a good strategy if there's a big hide-and-seek tournament coming up, but otherwise the horizontal bump could actually be beneficial in preparation for the big game.
But what about female athletes? Could sex before an athletic event somehow help them, too? As usual, a guy in a lab coat has the answer, and yes, it turns out that sex is a great natural remedy for women with sports injuries or muscle pains. Sexual activity actually stops a certain pain transmitter from ever getting released, presumably because it's too busy taking a shower and smoking a cigarette.
With sex being such a great athletic booster for both men and women, it's no wonder boning has become an Olympic event.
Don't get too worked up; that's just a participation award.
#1. Myth: A Woman's First Time Is Excruciating
For a guy, losing his virginity is like winning the lottery while simultaneously eating bacon and playing an early-release copy of GTA V, if all those things only took 30 seconds. Girls, on the other hand, dread their first time because it's less winning the lottery and more getting repeatedly stabbed in the groin with a fleshy harpoon.
We can dream, can't we?
It's in pop culture all the time: A happy young couple attempts to lose their virginity. Cue comedic/creepy scene of the girl awkwardly trying to endure the pain, immediately followed by the obligatory off-screen premature ejaculation. Starring Jason Segel or Seth Rogen.But Actually ...
First of all, the idea that the hymen has to be forcibly broken open during a girl's first time is complete horseshit. After literally hundreds of thousands of years of playing groin tag, many of us humans still haven't realized that the hymen is usually gone by the time a girl is old enough to engage in sexual activity -- which gets disturbing when you consider the fact that there are still cultures in which checking the hymen is considered a legitimate way to test for virginity.
"Hmm, this one doesn't have a hymen either. Oh well, burn her with the rest of 'em."
But even if the hymen isn't the problem, there's still the pain, right? It's as inevitable as the guy apologizing and stammering about how "this never happens." Well, the fact of the matter is that the expectation of said pain is so ingrained into the public consciousness that it's become a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy.
You see, the domestic vagina is an extremely sensitive creature that tends to be very much in tune with its owner's mental state. If a girl and her partner approach the situation in a slow and relaxed manner, their first time will be simultaneously smooth and amazing, like watching a fireworks show from a Slip 'n Slide. A vagina that's overwhelmingly apprehensive about the impending pain, on the other hand, tends to be all seized up and unlubricated -- and under those conditions, guess what? The first time's going to hurt. It's sort of like when a guy can't stop thinking about not prematurely ejaculating, thus immediately ejaculating prematurely.
"I'm done lying about it: This happens every single time."
And ... that's just about as far as we can take this advice without jeopardizing our street cred. What do we look like here, fucking Cosmo?
Related Reading: Still holding onto some outdated sex myths? Click this link and learn that sperm can survive as long as a WEEK outside of your body. Some of our silliest sex myths are actually true. For example; the length of someone's fingers can totally tell you if they're gay or straight. Ready to ease up on the science with a double-dose of mythology? Click here to read about Loki's horse-rape babies.
We have some bad news: Cosmo is actively working to ruin your sex life, porn has taught you nothing but lies and your favorite book sellers are now taking pre-orders for a text book written and illustrated entirely by the Cracked team! Hitting shelves in October, Cracked's De-Textbook is a fully-illustrated, systematic deconstruction of all of the bullshit you learned in school.
It's loaded with facts about history, your body, and the world around you that your teachers didn't want you to know. And as a bonus? We've also included the kinkiest sex acts ever described in the Bible.