You'd think that by now, we as a species would have pretty much figured out sex, what with Hollywood and the Internet constantly pumping us full of messages on the subject -- and we all know that if there are two things that can be universally trusted, those two things are Hollywood and the Internet. But as we've shown you before, your sex-pertise may not be all it's engorged to be, which is why you still believe ridiculous things like ...
#6. Myth: Aphrodisiacs Boost Your Sex Drive
When you think of activities that get you in the mood for a nice romp, you probably think of nibbling your lover's ear, or kissing their neck, or playing the opening drum solo to "Hot for Teacher" on their butt cheeks. But there's an entire multi-million dollar industry that says you can skip all that boring foreplay bullshit, just so long as you're willing to gulp down some Spanish Fly or other weird concoction.
It's mayo and old library books. Don't give us that look.
And fine, chances are you don't believe that every single supplement claiming to be an aphrodisiac is actually going to make boning seem irresistible. But come on, at least a few of these sexual boosters must have an effect, right? Just one, maybe? There's no way that aphrodisiacs just literally don't exist at all.But Actually ...
Aphrodisiacs just literally don't exist at all. Not a single food or drug has ever been shown to have any sort of positive effect on a person's sex drive -- at least according to the FDA, but what do they know about food and drugs, anyway?
Thankfully, classic Motown still works every time.
But even if aphrodisiacs don't have any measurable physiological effect, what about the idea that they serve as placebos? There's nothing wrong with taking a harmless supplement if it's what you need to convince yourself that sex is fun (and let's be honest here, that can be a pretty difficult thing to convince yourself of).
That would be all well and good, except for the fact that the FDA is once again spoiling everyone's fun by pointing out that a lot of these herbal "aphrodisiacs" are really freaking bad for you. Take Spanish Fly, a substance you might think will get you all hot and wet, but instead might just permanently damage your urinary system. Hell, back in 1999, four people died after trying aphrodisiacs. Tone Loc lied to us!
Maybe we should reconsider doing the Wild Thing.
All right, so what about the everyday "sexy" foods like chocolate, which supposedly possesses magical panty-eliminating properties? Well, scientists in Italy tested this by creating something called the Female Sexual Function Index, because of course they did, and force-shoveling chocolate down a bunch of women's throats. And, sorry ladies, but it turns out that chocolate does precisely squat to crank up your Wannabone Meter ... unless, of course, you happen to have a Willy Wonka fetish, which may skew the results somewhat.
#5. Myth: Married/Older People Have Less Sex
Let's face it, the life of a young bachelor or bachelorette is awesome. Whenever the mood strikes they can simply go to a bar or a party or, hell, a library, make some sexy eyes at their random lover of choice, and head on home to rub their genitals on each other's faces until orgasm, as is the custom in human mating.
The male then apologizes to his mate, saying he "saw it in a porno once."
But as any standup comedian can tell you, that all dies with marriage. That ring you slip on is much like Frodo's, in that it makes your sex life turn all shadow-wobbly and attract the attention of big fiery eyeballs. And it only gets worse with time -- as you hit your golden years, sex becomes a dusty, ancient memory. Eventually your genitals make weird creaking noises and you can only pee after clearing away the cobwebs.But Actually ...
Here's a handy chart that should tell you everything you need to know about being married: There is a lot of sex. Just, sex all over the place.
Charts are widely regarded to be the sluttiest type of document.
Holy shit, so almost 50 percent of young married couples are having sex two to three times a week. Meanwhile, more than 50 percent of young single people haven't even had sex in the past year. Single life doesn't seem so sexy anymore, does it?
"But Cracked," we just know you're saying right about now. "What we really, really want to know is how often old people are screwing each other." Well, we're here to serve: A horrible, horrible study sought to figure out just that, because scientists won't be content until you picture your own grandparents going at it, which you are indeed picturing right now. And it turns out that a whopping 75 percent of the senior citizens they asked to participate were connoisseurs of dancing the Wrinkly Tango. In fact, there's so much brittle pelvic grinding running rampant that it's causing an STD problem among the elderly.
"Forty years is the Syphilis anniversary."
But don't run to the bathroom screaming just yet, you'll miss out on the discussion about old people going down on each other! That's right, more than half of 57- to 75-year-olds have engaged in oral sex in the past year. So there you have it, kiddos: It's actually more likely than not that, sometime within the past year, your dear old grandma has sucked herself some dick. You're welcome.
#4. Myth: Inbreeding Between Cousins Creates a Genetic Nightmare
If there's one lesson the characters in Game of Thrones could truly benefit from, it's that inbreeding is a Bad Thing. Here in the non-fictional world, it's common knowledge that heads are much better when they're still attached to necks. Oh, and also that having sex with your cousin results in a dimwitted child sporting extra appendages. You might not completely understand the science, but you know that something makes the chromosomes go all screwy.
Don't fuck with us, weirdo.
Plus, sex with your cousin. Ew.But Actually ...
If inbreeding between cousins was actually that terrible for the gene pool, you wouldn't expect it to be biologically successful, evolutionarily speaking -- meaning that cousins shouldn't have as many children as unrelated couples. Darwin would be all over that shit. Which is funny, because Darwin himself married his first cousin. And it turns out there's no irony there, because breeding cousins are actually more biologically successful than total strangers. So if the whole point of natural selection is to prevent the gene pool from becoming polluted, what's going on here? Either natural selection sat this one out, or inbreeding between cousins just isn't that bad.
It certainly would save on paper.
Well, no subject is too taboo for scientists to poke with needles, and it turns out that reproducing with your cousin only increases the risk of birth defects by 2 to 3 percent. That's the same increased risk faced by a woman who has a child at the age of 41. Does a 41-year-old woman having a kid weird you out? Well, according to science, banging your cousin isn't any weirder than that.
And if you take a close look at our timeline, we humans actually have a long and rich history of bonking our own relatives. In fact, one Rutgers anthropology professor estimates that 80 percent of every single married couple in human history were second cousins or more closely related. So what we're saying is that no one will think poorly of you if, at your next family reunion, you put on some banjo music and allow your inner biological urges to run their course. Only, of course, they will, because gross.
If your song is "Foggy Mountian Breakdown," then something went wrong.