4 Assassin's Creed III -- You Get Brutally Killed During Cutscene Conversations
The Assassin's Creed series follows Desmond Miles as he's forced to relive the lives of his assassin ancestors as they go around stabbing other people's ancestors. Or at least that's how it used to be. Assassin's Creed III, if all the glitches are to be believed, is about Desmond reliving the genetic memories of his distant grandpa constantly jacking off in public places and doing nothing while he gets murdered by guards or eaten by wolves.
The Game Is Over
"He died doing what he loved ... leaking bodily fluids everywhere."
The glitch goes like this: Sometimes you'll see a cutscene coming and do what we all do on those occasions, which is drop your controller and dig deep into your bag of Cheetos. However, before you can even lick the delicious orange dust off your fingers, you'll see an enemy approaching you ...
"He then said he'd clean the barn, but now that's obviously not happ-"
... only to start hacking away at you before the cutscene is over. See, Assassin's Creed III's cutscenes aren't just movies -- they occur in real time, meaning nearby characters will behave as they would in the normal game. Unfortunately, this also applies to hostile characters, like the gentleman with the sword over here.
"... and it's just so typical of him. The moment I need-"
If you don't press the button to skip the scene quickly enough, you'll end up getting killed because your Mohawk assassin is too polite to break off his conversation. Not that the grieving widow you were talking to will particularly miss you -- she'll simply keep having a conversation with thin air once you've fallen down.
"Thanks, you're such a good listener."
By the way, this can also happen with wolves. Normally you could escape a wolf with a quick time event, but if attacked while talking to another person, Connor Miles just takes it like the world's most misguided animal rights activist. And the woman keeps on talking like it's nothing:
"... and she's my sister, so it's not like I can just cut her off. Anyway, then she-"
The worst part is that the wolf in the second scenario is actually spawned by talking to that woman after you rescue somebody. That'll teach you to help people.
3 Aliens: Colonial Marines -- When the Giant Alien Wants You Down, You Stay Down
By now you've probably heard all about Aliens: Colonial Marines, the science experiment where several game companies spent 12 years perfecting the crappiest game ever made in order to study the angry reactions of fans. The game was so bad, the developers got sued for false advertisement for releasing a demo that suggested it was actually playable. Hell, you've heard from us before about how the AI was so awful that when Aliens finally did show up, they would walk right by you, allowing you to run through the levels unscathed.
"Have you seen the john? I can't find the john. Oh, Jesus ..."
But the beauty of this game is that there are endless ways for it to randomly break on you -- like when the invincible Alien gets completely obsessed with your character and won't let you continue the game.
"I've seen the rest of this game, it's for your own good."
That seriously happens 11 times to the same dude over the course of this video. See, one section of the game calls for you to escape from a super Alien that's impervious to your shots -- you're not supposed to fight it yet, just run from it like a little bitch. But, for some reason, a common glitch (it also happened to Zero Punctuation's Yahtzee) causes the super Alien to develop an unhealthy fixation with a member of your party and start repeatedly throwing him to the ground. If you attempt to revive your fallen comrade to continue the level, the Alien is like "oh no you don't" and furiously runs back, slamming him down again before the recently revived character has a chance to really do anything.
So strong is the Alien's obsession with that one player that, as long as he remains dead, this giant monster that's supposed to be chasing you through the scene will just ignore all the other players and focus its attention on ... um, the walls, apparently.
"Shit. You guys seen my contacts?"
And, every time, as soon as the marine is back on the ground, the Alien goes back to searching for its car keys, or whatever it's doing. This metaphorical tug of war between marine and Alien with the worst attention span ever goes on for a couple minutes, as the players lose more and more of their shit due to the hilarity of the situation. See, guys, if you'd included this part in the demo, no one would be suing you.