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6 Appearances by Iconic Characters That Ruin Your Childhood

While friends, family, and other disappointingly human beings often behave with infuriating unpredictability, we demand better from our beloved TV characters. We demand consistency: all of reality resets every 30 minutes, kids stay young forever -- hell, the animated ones aren't even allowed to change their outfit without an uproar. But every once in a while, some coked-up screenwriter gets clearance to step outside the box and delivers a scarring, surrealistic meltdown of our favorite fictional universes.

#6. Denny's Turns Miss Piggy into a Cannibal

What better way to advertise the wholesome, all-American eatery that is Denny's than by featuring the nation's most well-regarded carpet swatches, the Muppets? What could possibly go wrong with featuring a lovable, sassy pig-puppet sitting down to a nice balanced breakfast of eggs, hash browns, and ba-

Oh God. They didn't?

They did.


It's worse than it looks. Those sausage links are from Gonzo.

After sitting down for a breakfast that easily could have consisted of french toast, or an omelet, or basically anything but pork products, Denny's patrons Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog place their order ...

... and Miss Piggy orders three Grand Slam breakfasts.

Get it, because she's a pig?

And a gluttonous cannibal?

Is this Muppet Soylent Green? We're not sure if it's more or less disturbing that it's implied that Kermit, too, is ordering the same Grand Slam. It's one thing to devour your own kind. It's quite another to look the love of your life in the eye while you eat her sister.


"Yes, extra bacon. And make sure it doesn't talk so goddamn much."

#5. RoboCop Turns to Crime for Fried Chicken

This Korean ad starts out normally enough, with a couple of kids watching a substandard store-brand-looking RoboCop (whom we shall refer to as RobotCop) on television while their mom cooks up some delicious fried chicken in the kitchen.


"Delicious" here is a synonym for "yellow."

Then shit gets all Korean, and RobotCop emerges from the TV like Samara from The Ring.


If she'd been cooking corn dogs, ED-209 would've staggered out.

RobotCop proceeds to snatch the chicken out of their very mouths, devours their dinner right in front of the hungry children, and then -- for no reason except spite, we suppose -- he straight up jacks their entire fridge ...


He shot both those kids on the way out.

... while the family can only watch on in amazement and horror.


And arousal.

RoboCop, for those of you who are unfamiliar, was not a slapstick comedy. It was not an all-ages adventure flick. There were bare titties and cocaine and a man being hit by a car so hard that he turns into blood pudding. These kids should have no idea who RoboCop is, much less trust his taste in chicken. He could not digest normally in the movie, remember: They had to feed him baby food. That's how much of his humanity he lost.

And yet, somewhere in translation, we lost the fact that RoboCop is a humorless, exacting, brutal law enforcement tool. Now he's some sort of chicken-stealing metal ghost that haunts the television. Which, come to think of it, does actually sound way more watchable than RoboCop 2.

#4. All of Your Favorite Children's Cartoons Are Hurled into a Drug-Addled Nightmare

Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue is so representative of the late '80s, it's astounding that Urban Outfitters isn't selling reproductions of the VHS tape for $29.99. Introduced by George H.W. Bush and his wife, Barbara, this 1990 anti-drug special gathered all of our favorite cartoon characters together to traumatize the living hell out of any child who watched it.

For instance, in this scene, the Muppet Babies take a psychedelic roller coaster ride through a drug-infected brain:


We're convinced. Pass the mescaline and Diet Ketamine.

What? Does that even come close to anything that ever happened on the show Muppet Babies? Why not use the characters from G.I. Joe, or Transformers, or anybody else who could stand a chance at handling the messed-up trip of a drug addict? Why specifically hurl babies into this psychedelic nightmare?

Oh, and good luck reading any more of A.A. Milne's classic Winnie the Pooh stories now that you've seen him arguing with an anthropomorphic cloud of pot smoke voiced by George C. Scott.


Whom we've always considered to be the embodiment of marijuana.

The special also featured Alvin and the Chipmunks, Alf, Slimer, and many others. Basically, if you had a favorite cartoon in the '80s, fuck you, kids; here they are crying over a dead junkie who just OD'd in an alley.

We should also mention that the whole show was sponsored by McDonald's. Man, they really burned their bridges on this one, alienating both the Happy Meal-loving children who just wanted to watch some carefree cartoons where Garfield doesn't ralph up a stomach full of heroin balloons all over Nermal and the career stoners who were the only people high enough to take McDonald's seriously.

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