#3. Tecmo's Random Disembodied Boobs
The marketing auteurs behind the release of the 2009 video game Ninja Gaiden Sigma 2 decided that subtlety was for chumps and nailed a set of boobs to a random wall for passersby to play with, because screw it, happy hour beers aren't going to drink themselves.
Even truck nuts make more sense.
You can actually kind of follow their reasoning if you're a horny teenage boy with poor logic skills. You see, the game included a revolutionary new innovation certain to forever change the face, or at least the boners, of gaming. Players could -- wait for it -- manually jiggle the characters' breasts. Tecmo clearly has its finger on the pulse of the gaming audience, although precisely where they're measuring that pulse from is a question best left unanswered.
Putting aside the question of why they decided to advertise the game's jiggle physics instead of the gameplay, graphics, story, or literally any of the reasons people actually play video games, we're not sure why they thought the best way to advertise this "feature" was with a display that didn't tell you anything about it. It's like advertising a burger joint by nailing a cow to a wall. It's such a random choice that you can't even tell what it's there for. If the video of passersby is any indication, most people seemed to think it was meant to be furtively stroked like a rare animal at the zoo.
See how nobody's looking anywhere near the tiny print way down in the corner that's the only indication that this is even an advertisement? But even then, what's the connection they're going to make to the game? Even the horniest gamer would have trouble getting aroused by a pair of rigid, disembodied breasts the color of Commander Data. If against all odds he was turned on, his thought process would not be "Now that I have an erection, I'm going to go buy this video game!"
"This is Pokemon, right?"
No gamer, or human being in general for that matter, is so desperately lonely that his only sources of sexual stimulation are video games and the world's weirdest glory hole. Gamers have Internet connections, and literally every set of boobs they can access on the Internet is more appealing than what looks like a serial killer's art project. Who was this supposed to appeal to, plaster casting fetishists?
#2. A Seasoning Brand's Sexed-Up Dead(?) Animals
Rachachuros is a Thai seasoning brand. Seasoning is used on meat. Meat is slang for penis. Penises are used to have sex with women. Women are made of flesh and bone. Therefore, meat is sexy.
We could make a pork joke, but do you really want us to?
If you followed that logic, you're the creator of this ad and/or an animal-themed serial killer. Shockingly, these are not PSAs from PETA, but a series of advertisements that claim to show the "temptation of taste." That's right, a series.
Now we get to write cock jokes, too. Hooray.
Correct us if we're wrong, but the "temptation of taste" usually refers to the desire to eat delicious but unhealthy food, not the desire to perform cunnilingus on a chicken that's been roasted and yet somehow not only still lives, but craves sexual satisfaction in a way it never used to. Hell, we're not even sure how someone into bestiality would be into this -- the fact that the animals are about five seconds away from being devoured asks the mind to combine sex and the consumption of living creatures in a way that anyone who isn't Hannibal Lecter will find disgusting.
"I want you to stuff me."
Are we supposed to look at a duck posing like a pinup girl and become overwhelmed with a hunger for poultry? Who has ever thought to themselves, "This pork is pretty good, I guess, but I sure wish it was gazing at me like it wants the D," and how do we get them on some sort of watch list?
#1. 6 Hour Power Gives You Blow Jobs
We know it's a lot to ask for the producers of an energy drink that's basically legal meth to have a nuanced understanding of subtlety and symbolism, but this ad for 6 Hour Power is just ... weird. Even for this list.
It starts off by practically zooming up the skirt of a receptionist whose attire is highly inappropriate for all but the best workplace environments. As she considers fellating a pen, she's called into her boss' office. "It's time," he announces, and as she bounces her barely covered ass in, it's clear that the time is blow job o'clock.
Aka your 9:30 appointment with Mr. Johnson.
It's a piece of filmmaking that makes Triumph of the Will look ambiguous. The boss is bouncing up and down on his squeaky chair while grunting out "So fast... it's working ... I can feel it!"
"It ... it would be rather worrisome if you couldn't."
But it turns out that the man is merely drinking a confusingly named Stacker 2 6 Hour Power, which promises "Extreme energy! Feel it fast! Energy that lasts!" Plot, meet twist. In a final baffling shot, the man stands and declares to his secretary, "Now I'm ready!" For what? Now are you going to fuck your employee?
Exactly what kind of business is this man running?
The company's vice president of marketing claims that if you see anything sexual in this commercial, you're the one who's the sicko. She insists that it's "the theater of the mind" and that the secretary is dressed no differently from any other white-collar office worker.
We have to admire her ability to spew mountains of bullshit with a straight face, but come on. The question isn't what's going on here; it's why they thought this would make anyone buy their drink. What, you chug it and you'll magically get a hummer from a secretary who wandered off the set of a porno? Or does it give you the energy you need to actually have sex? Or are they trying to say that the experience of drinking it is just like getting a blow job? Guys, if that were true, trust us: You wouldn't need to advertise.
Find more from Amanda at her blog and on Twitter, and she would like to thank Codie Martin and A.C. Grimes for their suggestions. Sam would like to thank his friend Jordanna for providing so many awkward screenshots. Find more from him at the Hilltop Views or follow him on Twitter.
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Related Reading: If you prefer your innuendo accidental, these retro ads have what you need. Cartoon kids talking about skinless weiners are pretty terrible, and so are these creepy children's cartoons. Oh hey, and we've got these r-rated Disney easter eggs too.