Advertisers have been using sex to their advantage ever since advertising became a thing. Hell, the ad for the wheel probably featured two of them put together to look like boobs. But sometimes there is no plausible way to associate your product with sex without winding up with something that will turn people off sex forever. Like ...
#6. KFC's Milkshake Money Shot
While KFC was brainstorming a way to introduce India to their new "Krushers" (a milkshake inexplicably named like a monster truck), the company's apparently preteen advertising staff giggled to each other about how milk kind of looks like semen and decided that was a good direction to go in. You even have to suck the milkshakes to drink them -- it practically writes itself!
In the resulting disaster, a man is enjoying his Artery Buster Special when he notices a woman making bizarre kissy faces at him while sounding like she's trying to suck molasses through a silly straw. We guess it's supposed to be erotic, but it makes us imagine two vacuum cleaners fucking.
Hey, guys, isn't it hot when a woman gasps for air?
We then cut to an explicit sequence of chocolate, milk, and ice spraying all over the woman's mouth. The soundtrack and editing make it look like a montage from a porno parody of Requiem for a Dream, complete with the inevitable conclusion.
In our day, "Finger lickin' good" was innuendo enough.
Several shots of this, along with scenes of the girl sensually licking her lips, make it clear that, yes, it's not just your filthy imagination: The milkshake symbolizes semen. Because what better way to get people to buy a drink than to insinuate that they're going to chug down several fluid ounces of baby batter?
Ignoring that the only people who find KFC erotic are just a few Double Downs away from a double bypass, who wants to associate milkshakes with money shots? Most people don't like getting ejaculated on at the best of times, let alone while they're trying to eat. We're surprised the slogan isn't "Come to KFC and get a load of cream to the face!" We joke, but we're not far off -- at the end of the ad, a woman coos, "Really thick. Really tasty." In a remarkable display of restraint, she doesn't add "Like a cock."
The first cut had him eating this with one hand.
The apparently sexually repressed creative head of the commercial insists that it has no sexual overtones, and that they were simply trying to "romance the ingredients," because when you decide to shove a bunch of fat-filled ice cream and milk down your throat, the first thing you think of is definitely romance. Meanwhile, KFC's marketing director says he's happy with the output, which men usually are when the output is semen.
#5. The Quiznos Oven That Molests an Employee
Sandwiches rank low on the sexy-food scale, down there with pretty much everything that isn't Popsicles and lollipops. But that wasn't about to stop Quiznos, which tried to sex up their toasted sandwiches by implicitly toasting an employee's genitals:
We're introduced to an oven that sounds like HAL-9000 channeling Buffalo Bill, which tells loyal Quiznos employee Scott that he "wants him to do something." Instead of freaking out that he's being hit on by a sentient toaster, Scott responds, "Nope, not doing that again. That burned," while looking at his crotch.
Ladies and gentlemen, meet Scott the Toaster Fucker.
He started working here after he got fired from Panera for molesting panini presses.
The toaster continues its harassment with "We both enjoyed that" before begging the reluctant Scott to "put it in me." It feels like a coercive S&M relationship, and it looks like everyone involved, including the viewer now, could use some therapy. As Scott's resolve weakens and a porno groove starts playing, the toaster thrusts itself into the climax of the commercial with demands for Scott to advertise Quiznos' new sandwich in a sexy voice. As he speaks, we get shots of long, firm sandwiches rising up like they're getting ready for a honey mustard bukkake. The spot ends with the toaster languishing in an afterglow of sexual satisfaction. It would be smoking a cigarette if not for health code regulations.
"I'm pregnant. I'm keeping it."
The ad is obviously tongue-in-cheek, but that doesn't make it any less confusing. The average person doesn't choose a sandwich franchise based on its ability to lampoon porn movies -- that's why Jared from Subway didn't imply that all his weight loss made his erection look bigger (and it surely did -- are you picturing it?). And joke or not, the only thing people will have in mind the next time they visit Quiznos won't be the low prices, it will be mental images of employees sticking their dicks in sadistic sandwich-making equipment. The same equipment that's going to toast the sandwiches they're suddenly second guessing their orders of.
#4. Puccho's Schoolgirl Fantasy Gone Wrong
Far be it for us to criticize the makers of Puccho candies for hiring sexy pop stars to shill their snacks -- America has a long and proud history of selling sugar with sugar. But a series of bizarre choices turned what could have been a fun, cute commercial into something that seems designed to appeal to sex offenders, and only sex offenders.
Manufacturer UHA hired Japanese pop group AKB48 to dress up in skimpy skirts and lasciviously pass a candy from mouth to mouth. It's kind of sexy if you turn the sound off ...
If you're into that kind of thing.
... but crank it up and let the confusion begin. Not only have they chosen a song that sounds like the theme to a cartoon for 10-year-old girls, but every pass of the candy is marked by a disembodied voice squeaking "Pu ... ccho!" Sometimes it tries to sound erotic, while other times it seems to be on the verge of tears, and either way you end up feeling dirty.
Then there's the fact that these girls all look like they're about 14 years old, and that's because they very well could be. It's hard to keep track of the band's 89 members, but some of them are as young as 12, which is apparently Japan's age of consent for being turned into a sexualized marketing gimmick. The jumpy, jarring editing that makes you feel as if you're spinning in the teacups at a horrifying amusement park in a schizophrenic anime fan's mind doesn't help matters.
Zoom out far enough and they transform into actual cartoons.
It's not hard to see how an ad about cute pop stars basically kissing each other was greenlit, but everything about it makes us feel like it's teaching pedophiles what the perfect treat to lure their victims with is. "Hey, sex offenders! You like young girls, and young girls will love our candy! Do we have to spell it out for you?"