#2. The North Korean Football Team Was Publicly Shamed for Hours on End
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Citizens of North Korea do not lead easy lives, if for no other reason than their soccer team sucks. The North Korean team has made it to the World Cup exactly two times: 1966, when they actually made the Final 8, and 2010, when they, well, did not. In their three Group Round games, the North Koreans went 0-3 and were outscored 12-1.
Upon return to their home country, no parade was waiting for the team. For one thing, nonmilitary parades are almost certainly illegal there, but also the team was a disgrace. The government was less-than-pleased with this egregious affront to the Little Oppressive Dictatorship That Could, and so they responded the only way they knew how: hours upon hours of finger-wagging and public shaming.
Some family members may have been involved.
On July 2, a week after losing 3-0 to Ivory Coast, the team was put on stage at the People's Palace of Culture, in front of more than 400 spectators, for what the government called a "grand debate." Of course, it was as much a debate as when a mother "debates" her kid on whether or not they should take out the garbage. Pak Myong Chol, the country's Minister Of Sports, kicked off the festivities by giving the entire team an hours-long tongue-lashing, accusing them of failing in their "ideological struggle" against the world. They were accused of betraying their country and committing treason against the country's honorable heir, Kim Jong-Un.
Sports commentators spoke next, and since their job is to take giant steaming pisses all over athletes anyway, doing so one more time must've been a cakewalk. But that wasn't all; other athletes, from other teams that presumably didn't suck as badly as the soccer guys did, were given the opportunity to describe just how badly the team performed. And by "opportunity," the government almost certainly meant "do it or we'll force you to shoot your own children."
"And don't give us puppy dog eyes, either. You deserve this."
Then, after getting verbally beaten up time and again in front of hundreds, the players themselves were made to speak. They weren't allowed to defend themselves or anything, no. They were instead forced to criticize their coach, Kim Jong-Hun, repeatedly telling him off over just how awful of a coach he was. It was like the end of a comedy roast where the guest of honor gets to roast everybody in retaliation, only slightly less funny.
All in all, the public shaming lasted six hours. And not once did anybody address the real problem: Kim Jong-Hun had received coaching tips and tricks directly from Kim Jong-Il during games, through an invisible cell phone that Dear Leader had invented all by himself. Clearly, Jong-Il should have spent less time tinkering with ghost phones and hamburgers, and more time working on the team's striking strategy.
"I invented kicking."
#1. A Father Abusing His Child Was Forced to Live in a Doghouse
Obviously, child abuse is no laughing matter. But apparently, punishing a child abuser is very much one, at least in one judge's courtroom.
First, the backstory. In 2001, after receiving complaints from neighbors, child services descended on a home in Vidor, Texas. There, they found 11-year-old Zachary Wiegers, filthy and covered in mosquito bites. Zach's stepfather, Curtis Robin, soon found himself in court facing several accusations of child abuse, namely that he had caned Zach with a car antenna, forced him to chop wood, and made him sleep in a doghouse. And not some fancy mansion-esque doghouse, like the kind rich people give their pooch to remind poor people just how poor they truly are. Nope, just a regular old doghouse that actual dogs could barely fit into, never mind a human being.
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Look how sad they are. And they're dogs.
Robin admitted to the antenna and wood-chopping charges, claiming the first was simply spanking, and the second was a fucking chore, like the one many parents assign their kids. It was the third charge -- the doghouse one -- that he denied. However, he almost immediately accepted a plea deal from prosecutors, in order to avoid massive jail time, so it couldn't have been that vehement a denial.
The judge, realizing the potential for pure comedy via massive humiliation, offered Robin his choice of sentencing. He could either spend 30 days in jail, or 30 nights sleeping outside in a doghouse. Robin loudly protested the idea by saying, "If you want a punishment that fits the crime, then the D.A. needs to come over here and spank me because that's all I did to Zachary." Ultimately however, he chose the doghouse, both because he didn't want to lose his job, and because the D.A. wouldn't take him up on his offer to spank him oh-so-hard.
Via Google News
With a doghouse.
So it came to pass that, for four weeks in 2003, a grown-ass man slept in a 2-by-3 plastic doghouse in front of his house. He couldn't fit inside it, and it was mosquito season, so even with netting around him, the noise kept him awake most nights. Pedestrians would pass by, laugh at him, and throw bottles. And in case you think he could have just left the doghouse and slept under the stars every night, think again. The courts had officers patrol his yard every night, to make sure he was uncomfortably slumming it inside his new home.
But hey, at least the state provided the doghouse, so that Robin's actual dog wouldn't be homeless during this time. They're not monsters, after all.
"We left your food in a bowl around the side. Enjoy."
Menezes broke down and set up a Twitter page. His current whereabouts are unknown.
Related Reading: For some crime-fighting tactics that didn't pan out, click this link right here. You'll learn that harsh interrogations actually make innocent people confess. And did you know drug dogs are inaccurate and racist? It's sad but true. If you want to end your reading with some punishments too crazy for human law, read about the worst things superheroes have done to villains.