Nature is filled with horrible beasts that look like they want to kill you (and in fact very much do). But at least those nightmares are honest, and look the part. The real assholes are those animals that look completely harmless -- adorable even -- but possess secret powers that expose them as the goddamned monsters and borderline space aliens that they truly are. For example ...
6 Starfish Are Flesh-Eating Predators With Detachable Stomachs of Acidic Doom
For many of us, starfish are little more than blind, deaf, headless, brainless creatures that feel just as at home dried up on the beach as they do rambling along in the water. If they could talk, they would absolutely be Patrick from SpongeBob. It's almost impossible for them to look less intimidating than they already do. That, unfortunately, is part of their cruel master plan. Behold a starfish's eating habits:
Mad as a Marine Biologist
Still more dignified than Golden Corral.
Yep, starfish are voracious meat lovers, consuming anything they can catch: oysters, fish, snails. Shit, if we were small enough, they'd probably get us, too. But perhaps you're wondering how they actually, you know, digest stuff, since they lack teeth, jaws, or anything even remotely resembling a mouth. Simple: They spit their sticky, acidic stomach clean out of their body, catching their prey and digesting it for hours, sometimes days.
Rodger Jackman/Oxford Scientific via Getty Images
And the Sarlacc waited for Boba Fett to fall into its mouth like a goddamn amateur.
Other starfish, like the appropriately named ambush starfish, trick their prey by raising themselves up like an adorable little tent. Just when whatever's on the menu thinks it's found a sweet little bunker to hide from predators in, it's murdered via sheer irony, and then slowly digested in horribly painful ways -- the usual routine.
Oh, but starfish aren't done poisoning your once-pleasant dreams. The snake-armed Labidiaster, despite having all the speed and agility of, well, a damned starfish, manages to snatch fast-moving, swimming prey as it passes by. Naturally, it doesn't look like much:
Martin Rauschert via SCAR-MarBIN
Kinda weird, kinda leggy, but kinda fuzzy too, right? Let's get a closer look at those legs:
University of Illinois
Of course they're made of teeth. Of course they are. These organic traps are known as pedicellariae, and the Labidiaster is completely covered in them. That explains how it catches so much prey; if one claw doesn't get you, there's about a million more just itching to have a go.
In conclusion: SpongeBob is bullshit. If that show were truly accurate, Patrick would be covered in gibbering demonic maws, regularly disguise himself as a traveling circus, and shit out his own intestines en route to turning SpongeBob into a melty, quivering taste sensation that even the krabbiest of Krabby Patties couldn't hope to match.