Cracked Round-Up: Beat the Heat Edition

Well, we tried to beat the Heat. But they screamed way too much and now half the cops in Miami are on our asses.

Felix Clay got us started with a list of people who quit their real jobs to pursue idiotic dreams. Gladstone elaborated on the easiest ways to ruin a vacation while Luke McKinney gave us the gamer comments that give straight white guys a bad name. Mara Wilson looked at the reason child stars go crazy while Chris Bucholz presented some life lessons, courtesy of Tetris. Brockway laid out the things that should get you banned from the Internet as John Cheese discussed personality flaws that the Internet makes worse. Soren Bowie listed romantic products for ending relationships and Winston Rowntree closed us out with the reasons your online dating profile doesn't work.

MUSICAL MAYHEM

The 5 Most Mind-Blowing Predictions Ever Made in Pop Songs If you needed more proof that your favorite musicians were members of the Illuminati, here you go

Notable Comment: "There's a Guatemalan singer that ended up investigated by the FBI because he released a song months before 9/11 called El mesias (The Messiah). The song had lines talking about the messiah in New York, that this messiah was here to change things in an unusual way while causing chaos/fear. Oh and the line that probably got him in trouble was the one where says "and the Pentagon branded him a terrorist". And something about associates in Afghanistan."

Speakinvowels, I think you've just figured out the next country we're going to bomb.

SONG AND DIE

5 Celebrities You Won't Believe Were Badass Soldiers Sometimes, heroes play heroes.

Notable Comment: "You forgot to mention that, after Doohan slalomed the telephone poles, he did a flyby on the tower and some officer spilled his coffee on himself. Later, the flight commander was overheard yelling at him, "Son, your ego is writing checks your body can't cash!""

Darth_Fat_Guy, whoever said that to Scotty didn't know the size of his bank account.

ANIMAL ANGER

5 Ways You Didn't Realize You're Making Your Pet Hate You This is explains why so many pets eat the corpses of their owners.

Notable Comment: "You shouldn't feed your dog with raw meat? The hell cracked? How could that be true? Because sure as hell I can't see how a dog could roast meat. And our cats are fine with milk."

Limrasson, would you drink the tap water in India? No, because your body can't handle all the shit in it. Just like our domesticated, super tame house pets can't handle a sudden influx of meatgerms.

BAD ADS

5 Terrifying Things Nobody Tells You About Healthcare Screw doctors. We're going back to witchcraft.

Notable Comment: "Regardless of where you live, people could stay out of hospitals so much more if they were just willing to take more of a role in caring for their own health. That means proper nutrition, and exercise, and knowing your body's warning signs. I'd much rather make occasional wellness visits to a naturopath or nutritionist than to spend countless hours and dollars in a hospital because my colon was full of calcified Taco Time remains."

Kabosh will continue to feel this way, right up until his anus starts bleeding from all the enemas.

VIOLENT NATURE

5 Ways Pirates Were Way More Modern Than You Realize It's always the criminals who pioneer great leaps forward in civil rights.

Notable Comment: "They also saved kingdoms, rescued princesses, triple-wielded katanas, sniped with slingshots, practiced meteorology and archaeology, prepared fine cuisine, ran on Coca-Cola, wore sunglasses, Hawaiian shirts, and Speedos, and regularly performed rock, funk, and soul music."

BattleFranky37 knows exactly how awesome our peg-legged brothers were.

Picnic face

Saddest Greatest Hits Album Ever Sorry, mom.

YOU YOU YOU!

14 Smart-Sounding Lines That Are Actually Total B.S. We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, Cool Life Hacks That Actually Work, Terrifying Real Life Depictions of Corporate Mascots and Point Out Flaws in Fictional Technology. And this week we have a bonus $200 contest: Things You'd Do If You Knew The World Was Ending