#3. Give Birth to a Baby in Second Life
Second Life is a game for people who think the Internet isn't insane enough and prefer to carry on their online interactions through Tom Hanks' dead-eyed character in The Polar Express. Unlike every other game in this list, Second Life actually encourages modding, so, of course, one of the first things the users figured out how to do was making their characters have sex with each other -- that's not surprising. What is surprising is that they followed this thought through to the point where you get pregnant and suffer through a graphic and unsettling childbirth process:
Via Jackjoy Franizzi
Obviously, C-section is the only type of childbirth worth simulating.
Yep, there's a mod for this game that allows your avatar to give birth to a baby, because let's face it, if you're heavily in Second Life the chances of that ever happening in real life are kind of slim. You can even get a trained medical professional (read: some bored lady in front of a computer, surrounded by cats) to assist and guide you through the delivery of your fake offspring.
Via Rockford Ewing
It's always reassuring when your doctor has had 14 butt implants.
Not scared yet? Watch this video where the player controlling the "doctor" spends the whole time talking to the character giving birth, helping it breathe and keeping track of its contractions. Damn it, lady, this isn't what John Atari created video games for.
Via Rockford Ewing
"You're gonna have to drive yourself to school today, Timmy. I'm pretending to deliver a baby on the Internet."
The action then moves to a hot tub, because this isn't just a batshit insane digital birth -- it's a batshit insane digital water birth. Meanwhile, the mother-to-be starts letting out screams and moans that were probably intended for a more erotic context, while her husband just stares at her in silence.
Via Rockford Ewing
Later in life, Bane reversed his color palette and impregnated a mannequin.
And then, after painful minutes of labor, a small child instantly materializes on the mother's crotch, because that's how childbirth works.
Via Rockford Ewing
"I'm bored already. Let's go have sex with a unicorn or something."
And now you have a video game baby. Congratulations. So, what are you supposed to do with the thing now? Well, here's an idea ...
#2. The Sims 2's Baby-cue Mod
We've explored some of the horrors of The Sims series in the past, from monster babies to the depths of madness, but, as you probably already guessed, the deepest, darkest underbelly in the otherwise family-friendly game comes from its modding community. There are, of course, the ubiquitous nude patches and sex mods, because why shouldn't there be? Numerous unlicensed characters, objects, and other things are also pretty common fodder.
But shit also gets real dark real fast. We're betting you never had an urge to take your Sims baby and toss it on the grill for a nice family meal, right? Because someone did, and they made it into a mod for The Sims 2.
Remember, this is a game where one of your main concerns is getting to the bathroom on time.
This hits pretty much all the right notes for utterly horrible shit. Baby killing? Check. Cannibalism? Check. Just the way the mom throws the kid up in the air before settling it down on the grill is disturbing enough, but then the mail carrier screams while watching in horror and a wandering dog howls mournfully, making it even creepier.
Come on. If you're going to make a mod like that, you make everyone show up and cheer like it's a party.
And then you see the weirdly detailed crispy baby skin, the mom puts it on a plate and takes it inside (while another Sim dumps their garbage on the lawn in the background, which adds a further eerie touch), and it kind of makes you just want to develop a self-destruct system that only affects specific parts of the Internet.
"Dear humanity. This note will never reach you, for you no longer exist."
#1. Add Some Randy Savage and Horse Vaginas to Skyrim
If you played Skyrim for any length of time, you might think it has just about anything a gamer could want. Crafting, fighting dragons, insane Swedish guys punching everything. But some fans decided that wasn't cutting it, because it just didn't have enough gorilla shit crazy slathered on top of it.
Observe, for example, this mod, which takes all the dragons in the game (there are a bunch) and replaces them with a weird, elongated model of Macho Man Randy Savage, complete with sound effects. We argue that this actually improves the game, because there is a definite shortage of dragons in pop culture that shout "YEAH!" before they breathe fire on everything.
"Slim Jim" in this case means an actual skinny guy named Jim.
It's definitely weird, but it's also silly. You can imagine it was made with tongue firmly planted in cheek. Meanwhile, this mod that adds realistic vaginas and anuses to all the game's horses:
Yep, you just found our line. And that line is horse vagina.
Yeah, those are intricately modeled horse muffs, and there's pretty much only one reason that someone made those -- because they wanted to see them there. Most gamers are perfectly content not to see a horse's business in a video game. Those people are not the target audience for Gary's Real Mare Horse Mod.
Furthermore, looking just under the surface reveals not one, but two further horrors: First, Gary probably had to spend a lot of time looking at images of horse vaginas to create this mod. (Or, God forbid, he created them from memory.)
Second, there are not one, but two acknowledgements for "motivation" in the credits section. He had two separate people telling him that he couldn't quit. He probably said something at one point like, "I don't think I can finish this horse snatch mod, you guys." And they replied, "No, Gary. You have to finish it. For all of us."
Maxwell Yezpitelok is on Twitter and if you follow him he'll let you forget what you just saw. You can buy Ashe's first book, The Book of Word Records, on Amazon.com right now! Special thanks to the fine posters in this thread. We love you all. Romantically.
For more creepy video game moments, check out 8 Creepy Video Game Urban Legends (That Happen to Be True) and 7 Creepy Video Game Easter Eggs You'll Wish Were Never Found.