The pen is mightier than the sword, especially if said pen is writing bullshit. For instance, every good military strategist knows that a well-constructed bluff can overcome almost any odds. You just have to really sell it, that's all.
And sometimes, it's the most ridiculous lies that are the most effective ...
5The CIA Fakes Vampire Attacks
You wouldn't think that, in a real guerrilla warfare scenario, "Let's tell the enemy a vampire is after them" would be treated as a legitimate strategy. Well, don't tell that to Edward Lansdale.
He was one of the CIA's most notorious operatives during the Cold War, his practical-joke-based "psywar" approach turning up in everything from the agency's enthusiastic attempts to assassinate Castro to the war in Vietnam. For instance, Lansdale learned Vietnamese just to write a best-selling astrological almanac ... that he then smuggled into enemy territory so he'd know what advice the Viet Cong were getting from local soothsayers.
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"June is the perfect month to replace all of your commanding officers with unarmed children."
But Lansdale's unique combination of genius and borderline insanity reached its height when he was leading operations against communist guerrillas in the Philippines. He had become aware of the local myths surrounding the aswang, an evil vampire creature that used a pointed, prehensile tongue to drain its victims' blood. So, when a communist unit had adopted a virtually impregnable position atop a hill in Luzon, Lansdale grinned and leaped into action. He set up a deeply terrifying mind game that began with spreading rumors about an aswang living in the area. Of course, to really sell such a story to hardened soldiers, he'd need some convincing evidence, so he started organizing fake vampire attacks on the enemy.
Oh, we're not talking about fake blood and mannequins here. He'd set up an ambush, and when an enemy patrol came along, Lansdale's people would silently snatch the last man in the patrol. They'd puncture his neck with two holes, vampire style, then hold the body up by the heels, drain it of all blood, and put the corpse back on the trail.
Sorry, lady, but your day is about to get ten kinds of fucked up.
Sure enough, the communists abandoned the area in no time. Although we guess it's possible they weren't afraid of the vampire, but rather that CIA nutjob who kept kidnapping people and draining their blood.
4Napoleon's Officers Take a Bridge by Calmly Strolling Across It
So you need to capture a crucial bridge, but force alone isn't going to do it, since such an action would destroy the bridge in the process. Once again, it's bullshit to the rescue.
It was 1805, and Napoleon was having trouble conquering the Austrians, who had adopted a strong defensive position on the east bank of the Danube. The French needed to get across, but the only bridge within marching distance was wired with explosives, and the Austrians had orders to blow it up the second France attacked. Knowing that trying to take the bridge by force would simply result in it getting blown to rubble, Napoleon's officers came up with a plan so stupid, it had to work.
Text them and ask nicely?
Two marshals named Lannes and Murat just casually strolled up to the bridge guards and started chatting about how glad they were that an armistice had finally been signed and that the fighting was now over (in case you're not following along, this was a blatant lie). The guards, being unaccustomed to idle banter with high-ranking enemy officers, remained unconvinced and kept them at gunpoint. Lannes and Murat didn't give a damn. They continued to saunter across, laughing off any attempts to stop them.
Meanwhile, an elite squadron of French grenadiers also started heading for the bridge. They had been ordered to behave as casually as possible -- their guns were slung across their backs and they walked instead of marching, laughing and joking among themselves as they slowly but surely advanced.
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"Hey, guys. Where should we put the beer?"
When they reached the other side of the bridge, the two marshals noticed an Austrian sergeant preparing to light the fuse to blow the bridge. Lannes, displaying such huge balls that their gravity started attracting debutantes, snatched the match from his hand and angrily insisted that since a truce had been signed, the sergeant was destroying public property, and if he tried it again, Lannes would have him arrested, goddammit.
A nearby Austrian artillery force prepared to fire on the sauntering grenadiers, but the officers persuaded them to back down -- Lannes actually stopped a cannon from being fired by nonchalantly sitting on the barrel to light his pipe. When a particularly persistent sergeant insisted that the whole thing was clearly a trick, Murat demanded to know if the Austrian officers were going to let an enlisted man talk to them like that. At which point the humiliated Austrian officers ordered the man imprisoned.
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"You can just stay there until you learn to trust the men we're actively warring against."
The fact that the French grenadiers crossed the bridge and seized said Austrian officers immediately after probably made for a very bittersweet "I told you so!" moment.