Cracked Round-Up: Pre-Memorial Day Party

For our money, no memorial day celebration is half as patriotic as our yearly pre-memorial day party. We buy steaks and small-caliber firearms and take to the hills to celebrate our nation's second-greatest heroes: military janitors.


Our week started off gourmet, with Felix Clay's list of obnoxious things restaurants need to stop doing. David Wong exposed the ugly lessons in every superhero movie while Joe Donatelli gave insight into the mind of a man with a comb-over. Gladstone looked at post-apocalyptic careers for famous zombie killers as Luke McKinney served up real science experiments that seem like they were designed by Michael Bay. Robert Brockway pondered weirdly outdated corporate policies while Chris Bucholz revealed house rules that make every game more fun. John Cheese wound us down with the greatest unscripted disasters in pro-wrestling and Gladstone took a somber tone and explored why Raiders of the Lost Ark is secretly about drugs. Chris Sims ended things on a high(larious) note with awesome moments from the best police training video ever.


GREEN TRICKERY
5 Disturbing Ways Insects Can Hack Nature
And here we are, using robots and construction equipment like suckers


Notable Comment: "f**k wasps. f**k wasps f**k wasps f**k wasps, f**k wasps, f**k, wasps, f**k wasps. f**k wasps. A poem by me."

Chaosrain is a man of many words with little variety.




WAR CLOTHES
The 5 Most Ridiculous Outfits Ever Worn Into Battle
We don't see any reason every American soldier shouldn't have a giant pair of angel wings mounted to their back.


Notable Comment: "i've never been injured fighting samurai either but i don't brag about it."

Zenninja is a warrior as quiet as the winter wind and as deadly as a methed-up honey badger.



HIDE-A-CLUE
5 Brilliant Clues Hidden in the Background of Movies
Subtext, baby.


Notable Comment: "An excellent article, my mind hasn't been so blown since I ate those weird mushrooms I found growing at the bottom of my gym locker."

That wasn't your mind being blown, JJvagnar. That was your brain dying from all the poisonous mushrooms. This whole comments section is just part of an elaborate afterlife.



BAD ADS
The 6 Most Baffling Marketing Disasters by Famous Companies
For every one Don Draper in the world, there's a list like this.


Notable Comment: "I like to mix Pepsi and Coke together in one glass and watch the fireworks."

Lazer72 lives to risk it all.



VIOLENT NATURE
6 People Saved by Literally the Last Person They Expected
Frienemy: it's not just a word for 12-year-old girls anymore.


Notable Comment: "So Ho Chi Minn gets his life saved and ends up repaying them by killing a whole bunch of them during a war??? Dickhead!! Anyways deer team is a pretty cool name i reckon"

Rotunder has a nuanced take on the issue of Vietnamese autonomy.




Rachel Bloom
If Disney Songs Were Historically Accurate
When will she find her prince?


YOU YOU YOU!
27 Dark Sides of Cartoon Universes You Never Got to See
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, Character Spin-Offs That Need to Happen, Fictional Characters Caught by Google Street View, Mind-Blowing Family Connections of Famous People and Dumb Things Said By Smart Fictional Characters.

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