#3. Scrotum Reduction
Imagine you are a man on a date with a beautiful woman. She takes a seductively slow bite of her hot dog (because you're a man who appreciates both sexual innuendo and thrift), then leans across the table, spilling her ample cleavage like a glass of breast-colored water, and says, "Let's skip the ice cream and go back to your place."
You are appreciably excited, but suddenly you become gripped with a paralyzing uncertainty -- what will she think of your comically oversized scrotum? The deflated bat wings sagging below your baby injector are sure to be an instant turnoff, and with your confidence suddenly obliterated, you stand up from the table with your napkin still awkwardly tucked behind your belt buckle and wordlessly leave her in the restaurant, your massive nut sack fluttering in the wake of your shamed retreat like the topsail of a pirate galleon.
Your sad balls didn't just rob you of sex -- they robbed you of ice cream.
Luckily, help is out there, and it exists in the form of cosmetic scrotum reduction surgery.
Scrotum reduction surgery offers men the opportunity to tighten and raise their ball sacks, because the road to physical perfection is occasionally paved with hunks of ragged skin slashed from a droopy nutbag. The plastic surgeons who offer this service describe a variety of enticing justifications, including better-fitting underwear, unchafed thighs, and a certain je ne sais quoi of ball attractiveness.
"But not too much. We don't want it looking like Ponda Baba's chin down there."
Jokes aside, Dr. Boris Volshteyn of Atlantic Surgical Associates angrily insists that this procedure is no laughing matter, dedicating a section of his website to addressing legitimate medical reasons to have a scrotum reduction. This is another way of saying that a board certified plastic surgeon wrote about the anguish of your mutant ball sack getting caught in bicycle seats and splashing down into fecal toilet water in broken English on the Internet to argue the validity of coin-purse-shrinking surgery.
Plus the extra money you now have to spend on a beanbag chair.
The procedure involves cutting away excess skin and repairing the muscle that connects the scrotum to the penis. Your testicles can be tucked and tightened in a simple two-hour outpatient surgery, although doctors warn that you will experience some discomfort for the next several days, possibly related to the fact that your genitals have just been dissected by a foreign national.
#2. Abdominal Etching
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So let's say you work out from time to time, you manage to keep yourself from eating pizza four times a week, and you can still fit into most of the clothes you wore back in high school. All things considered, you're in pretty good shape. But are you in awesome shape? You long for glistening washboard abs, but those take extra time and energy. And what if you put in all that hard work only to end up with one of those weird stomach blocks like an old-timey circus strongman, or a set of weirdly mismatched bodybuilder abs instead of the perfect six-pack?
Mismatched or not, we'd still hit it.
Fortunately, guys can bypass all that hard work and uncertainty and just schedule an appointment to have a set of abs etched into their stomach, like an ice cube tray pressed into a Jell-O mold.
Abdominal etching, also known as a "suction six-pack," is the precise extraction of lines of fat around the abdomen. However, it isn't a procedure for overweight men, merely devastatingly insecure ones. See, you can only undergo abdominal etching if you exercise regularly, but have 1 or 2 centimeters of "pinchable body fat" left to go. Rather than doing the amount of exercise required to slim down those 2 centimeters of belly fat, you can pay a plastic surgeon $5,000 to $7,000 to rip it out of your body with a vacuum. It's slightly less extreme than full-on liposuction and just a step or two above drawing hot dogs on your stomach with a magic marker.
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Just remember to draw them upside down. Otherwise, you'll just look silly.
For some reason, ab etching is generally not recommended for bodybuilders or athletes, presumably because those are two classes of people who traditionally depend on muscles to actually perform feats of strength, rather than simply look good covered in hickory body paint and a tie-dyed grape holder.
But that's just the abs -- how do we get the rest of our body ripped without all of the, you know, effort? Well, there's ...
#1. Pec and Calf Implants
If you've never watched Predator and wished you could join in on the rampant and totally unironic flexing that populates the majority of that film, you are not being honest with yourself as a human being. If you've never watched Predator at all, get out.
"And take Jingle All the Way with you!"
Building that kind of muscle mass takes a lot of work, though -- at his bodybuilding prime, Arnold Schwarzenegger was doing 710-pound deadlifts and 440-pound bench presses, which is the type of training typically reserved for battling mythical creatures. Most of us aren't going to lift that amount of weight in an entire month, much less 30 times in an afternoon. Mercifully, there's another option -- surgically inserting muscle-shaped objects into your chest and calves to give the appearance of strength without any of its actual benefits.
Whether you call it pec implants or chest enhancement, a male boob job is still accomplished by carving up your chest meat and shoving in the traditional pair of silicone bags. The end result creates the impression of rock-hard pectoral muscles sculpted from countless hours at the gym.
An impression that lasts until someone asks you to pick up a bag of dog food.
And if you get the pectoral implants, you'll have to get calf implants as well to complete the ensemble or else you'll just look like a fucking lunatic. You might also need the leg implants as a counterweight for your giant fake muscle titties to prevent yourself from falling over in social situations.
From zero to Adonis in two easy surgeries.
The calf implants are accomplished in pretty much the same way -- the doctor slices the back of your legs open and crams in a wad of silicone to balloon your skin out in an appropriately attractive manner. Again, we hasten to point out that, beyond making you look like a bulbous Frankenstein assembled from a drunken alien's Daytona Beach body harvest, these vanity muscle implants will not bestow you with any actual strength. Should you be trapped in an emergency situation and your fellow survivors call on you to lift a boulder off of some trapped kindergarten teacher, you are only going to disappoint them all and embarrass yourself, and they will likely conspire to have the shortest straw find its way into your hand when it comes time to figure out who's going to get eaten.
But goddammit, you'll look like a Greek god right to the end. And isn't that what matters?
Related Reading: What's that? You need more ridiculously unnecessary cosmetic surgery? Replacing your eyebrows with tattoos might be just the crazy operation for you! Still a little short on insane medical procedures? Clicking here will teach you the wonders of bone stretching and fecal transplants! And if all this talk of surgery has you feeling self-conscious, maybe its time you invested in a knee lift.