One area where women are far ahead of men is in the world of insecurity-driven plastic surgery. You just don't see men getting breast implants, and there are not yet reliable ways to do penis enlargements. But the industry is catching up, and now there's a whole array of cosmetic surgeries available to help men look more masculine. If you have thousands of dollars to spend and are completely oblivious to unintentional comedy, you too can get ...
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There's a certain kind of feeling a man gets when his upper lip looks perpetually dirty and/or like it was bitten by a werewolf. It's a mustache feeling. Cowboys, arctic explorers, porn stars, private investigators, and 1970s police detectives all wear mustaches totally free of irony -- it's a universal part of the cool dude's dress code. But tragically, not every man can grow one.
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And some men just shouldn't.
So if you've been squeezing and grunting and pushing with all your might but can't manage to force out a Tom Selleck face badge, wipe that blood from your nostrils and/or eye sockets and get ready for some life-changing news -- you may be a prime candidate for mustache surgery. To the delight of hipsters and alopecic lumberjacks everywhere, this is totally a thing.
Through a process called follicular unit extraction (which is a fancy way of saying "we pull your goddamned hair out"), dense groups of hair are harvested from other areas of the body and surgically crammed into your upper lip. It's essentially the same as scalp implants, only confined entirely to the space between your mouth and nose.
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"Without facial hair, I'm basically a dude in a ghost costume."
Mustache surgery is a growing trend in the Middle East, where thick mustaches are a sign of maturity, power, and prestige, sort of like a bushy "A+" you wear on your face. The way the mustache droops, curls, or bristles can even determine a man's political leanings, a system we feel should be incorporated into politics everywhere.
Finally, a less ridiculous alternative to powdered wigs.
The bad news is that the surgery will set you back around $7,000, and you need to have enough thick patches of hair growing elsewhere on your body to provide sufficient resources to create your Frankenstache. You're sure as hell not going to find someone willing to donate their mustache.
Wait, so can you have hair just implanted anywhere you want? Does that mean we can have ...
It sure does!
There is hope for those hairless men who have been cursed with the pink bird chest of Edward Norton, rather than the hirsute pectoral mane of Alec Baldwin.
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Hopefully they don't get their ass beaten nearly as often.
As we alluded to above, hair transplants are normally performed by harvesting strands from the back or chest and implanting them in the scalp to combat male pattern baldness. But, if you are in the unlikely situation of preferring the scalp-to-chest hair distribution ratio of George Costanza to that of a Brad Pitt, you can have the opposite procedure done and remove hair from your scalp to cultivate a thick meadow of chest fur. Doctors can surgically implant enough strands to elevate your torso beard to Baldwin levels of hairiness.
And if your ass is hairy enough, you can get the full Austin Powers chest hair.
That photo is from a hair restoration clinic in Miami that boasts more than 9,000 such procedures. The only downside? Unlike normal chest hair, the implant hair behaves like head hair -- that is, it continues to grow. Let that shit go for a year and you can have a luxurious ZZ Top beard dangling from your nipples.
Let's say you're a guy who runs into this situation every time you answer the phone:
PERSON ON PHONE: Hello there, young lady! Can you put your dad on the phone? I'd like to speak to an adult man!
Yep, just because you now have the glorious chest hair of an Alec Baldwin doesn't mean you suddenly are rid of your high-pitched, dainty voice. You've tried to overcome this embarrassing physical flaw the good Lord saw fit to cripple you with from birth, but nothing seems to work. You do your best to sing along with Barry White albums, but it just ends up sounding like Barry has a pocket full of chorus mice. You try to mimic Darth Vader and Mufasa when you order a pizza, but it comes out like Verne Troyer being strangled to death by Herve Villechaize, and Papa John's is forced to call the police.
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Mini-Me and Nick-Nack. Just saved you a trip to Google.
It's a serious problem, according to the Texas Voice Center, the leading center for the diagnosis, treatment, and prevention of voice disorders: "In our society, a deep voice can convey strength and authority whereas a weak voice may suggest a lack of self-confidence." If you want to be taken seriously as a man, you're going to have to get voice-deepening surgery, because who are we to argue with the Texas goddamn Voice Center?
The procedure is called fat injection thyroplasty, and it's meant for men with either weak, high-pitched voices that annoy the shit out of everyone they speak to or withered raspy voices that fill everyone in earshot with regret. During the surgery, fat is injected into the patient's vocal cords, bulking them up to create a deeper-sounding voice.
"No, that's too much James Earl Jones. I'm looking for more of a Vin Diesel feel."
The Texas Voice Center's website is noticeably unclear on where the donor fat comes from, but they do allow you to hear samples of men's voices taken before and after a successful thyroplasty. To be fair, there is a definite improvement in vocal quality, although the surgery doesn't really give you the smooth baritone of an R&B singer, and it apparently does nothing for one's reading skills. Also, we're not sure how you will explain the sudden change to friends ("Dude, why are you doing that movie trailer voice?") or your confused mother when you call her for the first time ("What have you done with my Bobby, you powerful, masculine fiend!?")