3Lindsay Lohan and the All-Nude Movie Shoot from Hell
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Lindsay Lohan's would-be comeback picture The Canyons had all the right elements to turn into a crowd-pleaser: It had Academy Award-nominated director Paul Schrader for fans of Taxi Driver; screenwriter Bret Easton Ellis for fans of American Psycho; and adult entertainment actor James Deen for fans of Cum Fart Cocktails 9.
How could such a collaboration lead to what is apparently a cinematic turd? Well, we don't want to jump the gun here, but it may have had something to do with Lohan's already legendarily insane behavior on the set. In fact, the New York Times on-set report about the filming is almost certain to be remembered more fondly than the film itself. It even has all the ingredients of a good Bret Easton Ellis story: a protagonist completely disconnected from reality, incongruous pop music cameos, and baffling amounts of male nudity.
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And this ridiculous fucking mess of a human.
Right off the bat, Lohan missed the very first day of shooting and was consequently fired by Schrader over the phone. At this point she went to Schrader's hotel and stayed outside his room all night, crying. Schrader finally had a change of heart (or just wanted to go to sleep), so Lohan promised she'd be on her best behavior from then on. However, over lunch break the next day, Schrader sent one of his producers to drive Lohan to get some food to make sure she'd return to the set on time ... and when the car stopped at the security gate, Lohan bailed, jumped over the gate, landed on a friend's car, and took off.
She did come back, hours later, but it might have been better if she hadn't, as things only got worse from there. When Lady Gaga arrived at the hotel they were filming at, Lohan once again ditched the already troubled production to party with Gaga, giving the production team a doctor's note that said she was ill. Finally, when it was time to shoot the pivotal orgy scene and Lohan refused to take off her clothes, Schrader had had it. Furious, he walked over Lohan's room, opened the door, and showed her his scrotum.
If this is how wrinkled his face is, just imagine.
Butt naked, he pleaded with her to undress, saying that the only reason he had his schlong in front of her face was because he wanted her to "be comfortable." Because Hollywood doesn't operate by the same logic as the rest of the world, it worked. They finished the movie, and it was rejected from every festival for "quality issues," so clearly it was all worth it.
2Lawrence Tierney Punches Tarantino and Pulls a Knife on Seinfeld
Lawrence Tierney had a long career in Hollywood playing gangsters and all-around tough guys, but you probably know him better from a little movie he did later in his career called Reservoir Dogs -- he played Joe Cabot, the old-timer who puts together the whole operation. In real life, however, Tierney was less like Joe and more like the psychopathic Mr. Blonde: All those years he was playing gangsters, he also had a pretty successful side career as a complete lunatic. He was one of the most intimidating people in Hollywood.
Tarantino had to repeat this one shot 10 times because the cameramen kept dying.
In the 1950s and '60s, Tierney was arrested multiple times for constantly fighting civilians, cops, and sobriety. Despite being in his 70s by the time he did Reservoir Dogs, he was still the same troublemaker: On his last day on the set, he got into a fistfight with Quentin Tarantino, and he was so angry when he got home that he fired a shotgun into a wall and hit his nephew. That was a pretty unlucky shot, though -- think about it, that could have been Tarantino.
While Tarantino never cast him in a movie again, for some reason, Tierney kept busy in the '90s doing guest spots on classic sitcoms: He played mall detective Don Brodka in the episode of The Simpsons where Bart gets arrested for shoplifting a video game. Simpsons show-runner Josh Weinstein called Tierney "the craziest guest star experience we ever had," and we'll remind you that this show has had both Dennis Rodman and Michael Jackson. Besides being generally scary and yelling at everyone, Tierney insisted on reading his lines with an inexplicable Southern accent and refused to say any jokes he didn't understand.
"Since when do video games exist in this show? And why is Pebbles called 'Bart' now?"
But Tierney's craziest moment came during one of the most memorable performances of his career, when he played Elaine Benes' father on Seinfeld. Larry David wanted him to appear regularly on the show, like Jerry's and George's parents, but sadly we missed out on a potential Lawrence Tierney/Jerry Stiller team-up when Tierney stole a real knife from the kitchen set and tried to hide it under his jacket.
Because Jerry Seinfeld was always good at observing the little things, he noticed the knife and confronted Tierney about it. Tierney took out the knife, but instead of handing it over, he started to mock-stab Jerry in the heart, saying this had all been a plan for a joke he had. We can't decide what's scarier -- if he was lying or if he wasn't.
Let's just assume whatever he wants us to assume.