The 6 Most Horrifying Health Foods in the World

#3. Boodog, aka Blowtorch-Roasted Goat

As much as it already looks like a Half-Life 2 head crab, the preparation of the dish known as boodog is even weirder. Step 1, behead a goat. Step 2, tie off its neck hole with wire and stuff a bunch of hot rocks where the sun don't shine to cook it from the inside out. Step 3, singe off all its fur with a blowtorch until it balloons up like roadkill after a day on the hot asphalt. If it puffs up too much, you might need to poke a few holes into it to avoid a goatsplosion.

Just imagine waiting at the dinner table -- napkin stuffed into the neck of your shirt, fork in one hand, knife in the other -- while the stench of blowtorched fur wafts out from the kitchen. And if that's not enough to send you away screaming, we should note that sometimes boodog isn't made from a goat, but from a marmot -- an adorable little creature that you can see in this handy before/after comparison:

Jupiterimages/ Images, Bogomolov.PL
You're welcome.

But Apparently It's Good for You

As far as red meat goes, goat has been called the wonder meat. It has "a third fewer calories than beef, a quarter fewer than chicken and much less fat: up to two-thirds less than a similar portion of pork and lamb; less than half as much as chicken." And think of how many pounds you'll lose eating it boodog style, where you're trying to choke it down while weeping tears of horror.

Jupiterimages/Pixland/Getty Images
"Look, it fits perfectly! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to curl up in a fetal position."

#2. Akutaq, aka Ground Fish and Moose Fat Ice Cream

I scream, you scream, we all scream for this ice cream. And never stop.

Because it turns out Eskimos have a frighteningly loose definition of the term "ice cream." While the recipe for akutaq varies, since it's passed down by oral tradition and different families might switch their particular version up a bit, all the recipes have a disturbing lack of basically everything you tend to picture when you think of ice cream -- no vanilla, no chocolate, no nuts ... no cream, even.

In fact, the one and only thing akutaq has in common with what we think of as ice cream is the fact that it's frozen. It's essentially fish, fresh berries, and seal oil, all suspended in a base of reindeer or moose fat (modern recipes might substitute lard or Crisco, for a practically vegan version). Take all that, whip it up into a fatty, frothy mess in a traditional bowl called a tumnaq, and leave it out in the cold to firm up, and you're ready to coat your tongue with Ben & Jerry's worst nightmare. If it turns out sweet, you lucked out, because it's totally not meant to be.
We mean that in both the flavor and the existence sense.

But Apparently It's Good for You

Akutaq was to Native Alaskans as beef jerky was to American cowboys: a packable, non-spoiling foodstuff. It was the perfect food for Eskimos to take with them on hunting expeditions because it packed all the nutrients they could possibly need to keep up their energy for knife fighting sea lions and strangling walruses, and the snotcicle-inducing cold worked as a natural preservative. And if they didn't feel like making the stuff themselves, they could just scavenge the Alaskan tundra for frozen polar bear puke.

Jupiterimages/ Images
"Ehhh, we should just make some pee sno-cones."
"I just ran out."

#1. Tong Zi Dan, aka Urine-Soaked Eggs

Welcome to springtime in Dongyang, China, where the air is filled with the pungent aroma of the local food specialty: tong zi dan, or "boy eggs."

Yes, "boy eggs."

They are made by boiling plain old chicken eggs in a special broth until they're done, then cracking their shells and putting them back into a fresh batch of the special broth to simmer for an entire day, allowing them to really sponge up all that salty goodness.

Just what's in this special broth, you ask?

That's right: You can tell it's springtime in Dongyang when the blossoms open on the trees and the air fills with whiz stench. Tong zi dan vendors place piss collection buckets in the hallways of all the schools (without getting arrested, somehow) and encourage boys aged 10 and under to drain their willies into them (again, without getting arrested, somehow).

Once the buckets are brimming with fresh virgin boy pee, the vendors collect them in order to boil up their whiz-eggs and sell them for about a quarter apiece. And the locals snap that shit right up -- some of them eat as many as 10 a day while they're in season (and no, we're not exactly certain why there's a "season," seeing as how pee is pretty much a year-round crop).
"We can't eat these in winter. That'd just be weird."

The flavor has been described as everything from "so yummy" (by a Dongyang resident) to "very piss-like" (by our imaginations).

But Apparently It's Good for You

Although the actual health benefits of eating these eggs are questionable, locals have long sworn that, according to traditional Chinese medicine, they possess the almost magical ability to "treat yin deficiency, decrease internal body heat, promote blood circulation, and remove blood stasis."
Normally we would make a comment about that guy not wearing gloves, but at this point ... fuck it.

That sounds kind of fishy, but if you're dying to find out for yourself, this one seems like a simple enough recipe to whip up at home, assuming you're willing to either overlook the "prepubescent virgin boy" requirement or end up on a government watch list.

Chan Teik Onn writes depressing short stories on Facebook to gather "likes" from his emo friends.

For more reasons to never eat again, check out The 6 Most Terrifying Foods in the World. Or learn about 6 Fake Foods You Will Wish You Didn't Have in Your Kitchen.

If you're pressed for time and just looking for a quick fix, then check out 4 Ways to Hold the Douchiest Wedding of All Time.

And stop by LinkSTORM because it's time to do the Urkel

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