#2. The Residents of Eureka Shack Up With Anatomically Correct SWAT Kats
Eureka is a show about a town full of mad scientists doing wacky experiments. The SWAT Kats are crime-fighting alien cat people. Eureka Kats is their epic tale of erotic adventure. And we (sadly) do mean epic.
It's a typical day in the neighborhood when the scientists notice a strange aircraft in the sky above. When the craft lands, it turns out to be piloted by Jake Clawson and Chance Furlong, two SWAT Kats who suffer from both chemical exposure and Chronic Punny Name Syndrome. The Kats are quarantined while Beverly, the town psychiatrist, watches them take a chemical shower together.
Yes, we're talking about these guys.
Where It Gets Really Creepy:
When we say these Kats are anatomically correct, we mean that in the worst possible way:
She hadn't been able to notice the barbs they'd mentioned on either of them; clearly they weren't that prominent, at least not from a distance.
Yes, their penises are spiky and barbed, much like a real cat's. Why the author felt the need to include this, we have no clue. They talk like humans, walk on two legs, and can turn on a goddamned faucet with their paws. They're already so unlike real cats that the "K" was probably added to their name by order of the Better Business Bureau. They didn't need the spiky penises at all. And yet, here we are.
"Hey, don't look at me. A human wrote this shit."
Beverly and the rest of the town quickly fall under the Kats' sexual spell, as we get human-Kat pairing after human-Kat pairing. Oh, and if the idea of human-Kat sex is too much for you, there's plenty of Kat-Kat sex too, which is far friendlier to the soul:
"Ohhh, yeah," Jake shuddered, his hands tightening around Chance's hips before he shifted his attention to the full erection near his muzzle. He took his cock into his mouth and slowly licked the musky length, getting off on the scent and taste nearly as much as what Chance was doing to him.
This goes on for 30 chapters, and 390,000 words. For comparison's sake, that's roughly 100,000 more words than in the first three Harry Potter books combined. This isn't just fanfic; this is someone's bloody opus. It takes 7,000 of those words to even hint at sex, which means the author felt that Kats fucking people with spiky kat kocks required tons of backstory to properly ease us into it. Trust us, that only made it weirder.
But really, you have to make the reader feel that feline anal fetish.
#1. A Giant Squid Brings Hogwarts Castle to Orgasm
Hogwarts sighed and it echoed within his empty halls.
The first line of First Encounter was not meant to be metaphorical. No, Hogwarts Castle literally just sighed. Because it's alive, you see, and very, very lonely. The students have left for the summer, and silence enters its halls. If it weren't for the fact that we're talking about a bunch of bricks, it'd be positively heartbreaking.
You know who else is lonely? The giant squid that occupies the Black Lake surrounding the castle. Unbelievably, this writer gives the squid a backstory, other than being, you know, a goddamned squid. "His huge eyes stared mournfully at his very large tentacles. At one time, he had dreams of being an actor." But those dreams were never quite realized, and the squid needed something else to pass the time. One guess what it chose to do.
Via Rstoplabe14 at en.wikipedia
A castle. It chose to do a castle.
Where It Gets Really Creepy:
Hogwarts watched the giant squid approach and felt apprehension well up in his kitchen. "What are you doing?"
"Just trust me," the giant squid replied, caressing Hogwarts' outerwalls.
"I'm not ready!" Hogwarts exclaimed, trying to push the giant squid away with his magic.
"Hogwarts, you're lonely, I'm lonely. We don't have to be. Besides, you can't go around manipulating your staircases."
"You know about that!"
"Everyone does it. Sort of."
Why yes, a giant squid IS seducing a castle, complete with a masturbation joke that will make you quiver with nausea the next time you go down a flight of stairs. Honestly, it's very tempting to just post the entire, completely batshit story here, but we'll try to restrain ourselves. Unlike the squid.
GAH! NO! WHY?!
"I'll go slow. I promise." He began to caress a window, teasing it open. Hogwarts sighed, the fight leaving him. He relaxed, allowing the tentacle inside, where it brushed against the inner walls before settling on the stone floor. He fastened the suction cups to the floor, lifting the tentacle away so that it pulled on the floor without losing its grip.
We cannot stress enough that this is a giant squid pleasuring a building, and once again we have the element of "Sure, it starts out as sexual assault, but then he realized he loved it!" We're so confused, we don't even know if we should be offended.
Hogwarts could take them all, he knew he could. But what would the other wizarding schools think? Would Beauxbatons allow a giant squid to violate her? Certainly not! If Durmstrang ever found out, there'd be no end of teasing.
Well, maybe if she'd get a little squid action herself from time to time, she'd loosen up.
Holy fucking shit. We'll bet you never realized, in the years you spent enjoying Harry Potter, that Hogwarts was this freakin' self-conscious. Or that all the other castles were alive, and gossiped like a bunch of teenage girls.
Oh hey, remember the squid's dreams of becoming an actor? Well:
He really should have done this ages ago. Every tentacle was in a different window. No schoolgirl, no matter how many movies she made, could hold all 10 tentacles at once.
Of course this writer included a hentai joke. But nothing, absolutely nothing on this Earth, can prepare you for the description of a sentient castle being brought to orgasm:
Nice try -- it's text, dipshit.
Water shot out of faucets, toilets overflowed and bread set in ovens to keep warm by thoughtful house-elves exploded. Hogwarts shook violently to his foundations, rousing Filch from bed and sending house-elves and Mrs. Norris scrambling for cover.
Wait, there was still staff in the building when all this was going on? Holy shit! This simultaneously ruined our ability to ever enjoy Harry Potter, sea life, and working in buildings. Thanks, fanfic!
Eric and his twin brother manage the webcomic/blog Donuts for Sharks. Think we missed some insane stories? Let us know in the comments!
Related Reading: What, you want more terrifying erotic fan fiction? Please seek medical help immediately. Just in case you're still a few thousand words short of rock bottom, read about the time Indiana Jones fucked Lord Voldemort. Follow up with Snape nailing all the Teletubbies and Santa-Edward screwing Bella from Twilight. Then go take a shower, you pervert.