Even if you have the finest weapons and the absolute best leadership, war is hell. In fact, hell is just the beginning when you're facing an enemy with 10 times the gear and manpower your side has.
In those desperate circumstances, sometimes the underdog just has to get stupid. What do we mean? Well ...
5Cambyses II Conquers Egypt With Cat Shields
Like most other centuries, the sixth century B.C. had to witness a war in the Middle East. Persian king Cambyses II, fresh from his coronation, set his eyes westward to expand his empire, which meant war with Egypt. But going up against the Egyptians on their home turf was seven kinds of stupid. Not only did they know the terrain, but they were exactly as tough as you'd expect from people whose embalmed corpses were destined to become horror movie villains a few millennia down the line.
Fresh Egyptians: 30 percent more zesty than desiccated Egyptians.
Even so, Cambyses didn't give a damn. He stormed Egypt like a jock mowing through a keg party, only to have his ass promptly handed to him. Sure, Cambyses had the numbers, but the Egyptians had the home advantage and far superior weaponry. The Persians were bound to lose the war ... until Cambyses spotted the Egyptians' only weakness: cats.
Back in the day, Egyptians were deathly afraid of cats, which they thought were representatives of death itself. As such, killing a cat was both a terrifying sin and a quick one-way ticket to Death Central. So, according to legend, it is here that the Persians started using cats as shields. Seriously.
Embarrassed artists hid this fact and said Cambyses won just by being really tall.
Also, they lobbed a bunch of felines into the battlefield, to the point where Egyptians could not take a step or swing a sword without the risk of harming a cat. By some accounts, Cambyses supplemented his feline secret weapon with a bunch of other animals Egyptians held sacred, such as ibis birds, dogs, and sheep, thus creating the world's first Battlefield Petting Zoo.
Whatever the reasons behind it, the gambit worked, as the Egyptians were so afraid of accidentally striking a cat that they either fled or just flat out surrendered to the inferior Persian fighting force. Hey, this is what writers at the time say happened, we weren't there. The Persians went on to preside over Egypt for ages to come. Cats went on to lazily rule over man until the end of time itself.
4 The Ottomans Win With a Centuries-Old Cannon
It was 1807, and the Ottomans found themselves at war with Great Britain, the reigning world champion at messing up other countries. And sure enough, the Brits, with their superior troops and weapons, were set to dominate the Ottomans. Ready to delve into the heart of Turkey, the British Royal Navy went right through the Dardanelles Strait, where the Aegean and Black Seas meet.
The Ottomans knew their opponent was coming, but realized they only had a few laughably tiny cannons set up in the area. They had no way to put a dent in the British ships. What they did have was this:
Mario Modesto Mata/Wikimedia
Check out the Dardanelles on that bad boy.
If that looks like a gigantic decorative cannon from ancient times, you're right. It was a ridiculous thing built back in the 15th century when Sultan Mehmet II ordered the construction of what would be called the Dardanelles Gun -- an 18-ton, 17-foot contraption that could send a 670-pound cannonball over 5,000 feet. It was installed at the aforementioned Dardanelles Strait, but since the gun's ammo was so heavy that it didn't fly so much as it rolled along the ground with some extreme force, it was never really used. It was just there to look cool.
That is, until 350 years later, when the desperate Ottomans dusted off their giant-ass antique.
Despite being from an age where knights were still doing the fighting, the Dardanelles Gun was found to be in reasonable working order. Since the Ottomans had no proper projectiles for the monster, they just filled it with gunpowder and random debris. With their impossible antique bullshit cannon in place, the Ottomans waited ... and waited ... and fucking well fired.
Comically expelling bats and cobwebs. And hellfire.
The British ships were, naturally, pretty surprised when they were greeted by a rain of rubble blasted out of a big-ass museum piece. The surprise soon turned to shock when said museum weapon actually blasted holes in their ships (and their men) with every bit as much gusto as the most efficient cannons of the time ... and then some. The British Royal Navy suffered one of their rare defeats that day.
A curious epilogue to the story: 60 years later, Sultan Abdulaziz visited Great Britain. As a solid contestant for the "least subtle 'fuck you' move in history" award, he gave the Dardanelles Gun to Queen Victoria as a present.