Cracked Round-Up: The Shittiest Week Edition

It's been a clusterfuck of a week. And while talking heads on the news and talking-er heads in political office blather on about "justice" and "healing", we can't help but think there's a simpler solution to America's immediate problems: let's switch places with Canada next week. They can deal with all the horrific fallout from this week's disasters and terrorism, while we smoke their weed and drink all the Molson human livers can handle (roughly two bottles).

C'mon you half-British maple chugging bastards, we could really use a break.


Luke McKinney started us off with the most badass things ever done in space. Which wasn't easy, since everything that happens in space is badass. John Cheese looked at the things in life you're never really prepared for and Gladstone discussed the most obnoxious celebrity fanbases. Soren Bowie listed the superpowers everyone thinks they have and Brockway served up five badass sci-fi movies you can watch on your lunch break. John Cheese soothed our savage souls with a look at video game endings that must be fucking with us while Felix Clay unveiled the worst legal defenses ever attempted in court. Dan O'Brien closed us out with the bizarrely specific rules that govern life in movie universes.


DIVINE BITCH SLAP
The 5 Major Cities Most Likely to be Spectacularly Destroyed
If you own property in any of these cities, now might be the time to sell.


Notable Comment: "Lol,I hate New York it's a f*****g cesspool,sucks about the others though."

Metalcraze, you fool. Without New York our bagel development capabilities will be crippled.




MIND BETRAYAL
5 Ways Your Brain is Tricking You Into Being Miserable
See brain? This is why we destroy you with cheap inhalants and wood alcohol.


Notable Comment: "I totally did not know our brains are wired to be the obnoxious. Eye opening stuff."

Krathoon, opening your eyes is where half these problems start.



DOUBLE THE TERROR
5 Real-Life Stories of Twins Creepier Than Any Horror Movie
This settles it. Twins must be banned for the safety of us all.


Notable Comment: "I was a bit worried when I saw the title, being a parent to 2 sets of fraternal twins. But luckily only identicals turn out to be batch*t crazy! Whew :) "

KiwiKid should probably brand one member of each set, just to make sure they stay different from each other.



BIOLOGICAL BADASSERY
The 6 Coolest Survival Traits Designed by Evolution
Just in case you wanted to feel even more inadequate about your puny human body.


Notable Comment: "Psh, that's nothing! I've learned how to freeze up every time attractive people talk to me! To... protect me from... diseases... and stuff..."

TheUglyGamer is a true miracle of nature.



DUMB AND IN CHARGE
The 6 Most Idiotic Decisions by Authority Figures in Movies
Because no one could suspend their disbelief if the authorities weren't as dumb on film as they are in person.


Notable Comment: "Wait, so you're saying the guy in the last picture is Sean Connery? Bull-fucking-shit. They clearly used a Japanese man for those scenes. Look at the eyes, fer chrissake!"

There's no joke here. Sledge is clearly correct.





Adam Ganser
Why Kim Jong Un is the 3rd Grade Bully of Global Politics
Somebody give this kid a wedgie.


YOU YOU YOU!
18 Celebrity Endorsements That Would Actually Make Sense
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, Postcards They Sell in Video Game Worlds, Advertising Formats Too Awesome to Exist, Famous Movie Dialogue With One Letter Changed and Positive News / Facts to Cheer Us Up.

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