#6. Diaper Changing Aid
A simple device that holds down your baby while you change its diaper. This beauty even includes a screen that prevents the baby's hands from getting in the way.
This is the Muppet Babies version of a medieval torture device. It's the sort of thing you'd find in the lair of a James Bond villain, if Bond was a ba- uh, be right back, we gotta go pitch something to MGM. Anyway, we think a better use for this thing would be to make the screen in the middle look like a big buzz saw, then tricking your guests into thinking you've accidentally cut your baby in half. Then you open it and reveal that the baby isn't dead -- just absolutely terrified.
CPS is not happy.
Incidentally, the patent, which was filed in 1978, mentions that the product is useful for "infants or retarded children." So if you used this until your early teens, now you finally know what your parents really thought of you.
#5. Pacifier Securing System
A device that hooks around a baby's ears, holding the pacifier in place and preventing the baby from spitting it out. A happy side effect is that it also prevents them from screaming in your ear while you're trying to watch football.
Why are we suddenly reminded of that scene from Pulp Fiction? Oh, right -- that thing is totally a ball gag for babies. Have they patented a little gimp suit, too? How about a little katana for babies to defend themselves from the kind of parents who would buy this?
As if that would be enough.
Also, the patent notes that the device is inspired by the type of tracheal tube fasteners they use in hospitals (that hose they shove down your throat when you can't breathe by yourself). It's nice to know that straps strong enough to forcibly intubate a non-consenting adult are going to be affixing a pacifier to your baby's face.
#4. Infant Restraining Device
A strap that shackles your kid's feet together, in case you really miss the days when it was just a toddler.
In theory, this invention should allow your child to walk while preventing it from running or climbing on any furniture. In practice, however, that baby is just gonna keep tripping and falling down until it hits its head on something and goes to sleep. Possibly for good.
These baby shackles look like they're inspired by those things that inmates wear around their feet when they're being escorted about their maximum security prison, but they aren't. Nope, it's the other way around: The Infant Restraining Device was patented in 1953 and then referenced in the much more widely used Prisoner Restrainer in 1977. So, to recap, it was created for babies, didn't take off for some reason, and then someone said, "Hey, why don't we use it on the most dangerous criminals on the planet instead?"
U.S. Patent Office
Like Lou "Lil' Stumps" Santini here.
#3. Diaper Warning Alarm Device, and System
An electronic device that alerts you when your child has used its diaper. Unfortunately, it only detects urine or liquid stool. Fortunately, nature has already come up with an alarm system for solid excrement (it's called "farts").
Let's review the elements involved in this invention: Babies. Liquid. Electricity. Yup, there's no way that could ever go wrong. We may be able to consider using this with Grandpa (because he's lived a full life, and each bowel movement is a gamble anyway), but it doesn't look like the proposed size would fit him.
"I'm more of a freeballer anyway."
What's with patent makers trying to reinvent the wheel when it comes to baby defecation? Again, they don't need a lot of help there. Parents can usually tell when their child is simultaneously screaming and reeking of urine. Unless they secured a pacifier/baby gag ball to the kid's face, that is.
#2. Baby Bottom Drying Apparatus
A giraffe-shaped baby butt dryer. Like a regular baby butt dryer, but shaped like a giraffe.
If you couldn't see this bastard, you wouldn't get what the problem was. If you're going to have an ass fan in your baby's nursery, you might as well give it some festive shape. But look at it! WE SAID LOOK AT IT, GODDAMMIT. It has some kind of huge mechanical teeth. Wait, is that where the air comes out? Its mouth? So the baby's earliest memories are going to be of a robotic giraffe blowing into its asshole?
#1. Figurine for Displaying Human Baby Teeth and Hair
A special doll that is fitted with the real teeth and hair discarded by your baby. You can then display it in a family room or other visible location so that everyone can admire the physical manifestation of your declining mental health.
What's so terrifying about this invention, you ask? Everything.
U.S. Patent Office
There is exactly a zero percent chance that this thing won't become haunted.
If you're pressed for time and just looking for a quick fix, then check out 3 Signs This Naked Fugitive Is from the Future.