Cracked Round-Up: Cosmonaut Edition

Y'know how drinking at high altitudes gets you fucked up like, extra fast? Well we figured the same thing was true of outer space. And thus, finding recently returned cosmonauts would be our best chance of drinking some real Russians under the table.

We were incorrect.

Want to feel better about your terrible habits? Soren Bowie's article on guilty pleasures that are secretly saving the world will do the trick. Next, Gladstone explained how you've been defining love wrong. Kristi Harrison followed up with the life lessons of a former mean girl while Chris Bucholz delved into The Running Man's deeper symbolism. Luke McKinney brought out fictional weapons too dangerous to use as Robert Brockway discussed awesome flaws in the new Bioshock game. Felix Clay brightened the week with the perverted sex lives of animals and John Cheese delivered some simple career advice you're bound to ignore. Dan O'Brien dropped the mic and threw down four random hilarious bits of found comedy on the Internet.

NOT REALLY

The 5 Most Misguided April Fool's Pranks of All Time Because good judgement and good comedy don't always wind up in the same zip code.

Notable Comment: "I collect the lint from the dryer and form it into a sock shape, and then put it next to another sock, so that when my brother picks it up, it breaks apart and gets lint all over the floor."

We think tristan7grunt just came up with the perfect way to fake out North Korea.

GROSS BRAINS

6 Famous Geniuses You Won't Believe Were Perverts We'd never presume to judge these great men but...actually, yes. We will judge them. And they're all gross as shit.

Notable Comment: "I don't think the pies Chaplin threw at the girls are the same pies that you see in comedy sketches."

Crazyedd123 doesn't watch the right comedy sketches.

MORE TRUTH

5 Unrealistic Movie Cliches That Are Scientifically Accurate This might be the only article we've ever published that argues against the sentence, 'screenwriters are fucking lazy'.

Notable Comment: "There have been studies done of the brain, and they've figured out that our brains are about as smart as they can get without starting to become inefficient, so it's likely aliens would only be as smart as us."

Cauthon's new name is .

SNAKE OIL

6 Products in Your Bathroom You Won't Believe Don't Work One more article like this and we'll advise people to stop showering altogether.

Notable Comment: "Great, I won't wash my hair every other day even if my head stinks from my sweaty workouts. My greasy hair brings all the boys in the yard."

_xony might have problems beyond shampoo.

POOR PLAN

7 Modern Ghost Towns That Look Like Sci Fi Movies Urban exploration is a little like time travel.

Notable Comment: "What was happening over Europe in the 40s-50s where all countries seemed to have the resources to make such cool things and why have we lost this great desire?"

We blame Barack Obama, eldian.

CRACKED Staff

The Most Misleading Title in the History of TV Shows If only.

YOU YOU YOU!

The 28 Least Effective Public Service Announcements Possible We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, Unexpected Future Side-Effects of Modern Life, How You'd Improve the Summer 2013 Movie Line-Up, Why Famous Movie Scenes Don't Make Sense and Popular Internet Myths Revised for Accuracy.