It doesn't matter how good the graphics get or how many screens, touch pads, and penis holes they add to the controllers: Video games will always have glitches, and we'll always think that some of them are hilarious. We hope that some day we can make a mistake that will bring a stranger as much joy as these six glitches brought us ...
6Assassin's Creed III: Connor Kenway, Compulsive Masturbator
One of the glossed-over parts of the Assassin's Creed series is that, since the present-time main character, Desmond Miles, is living out his ancestors' experiences through a big sci-fi machine, it means he has to see everything. Even their very public "displays of affection."
You see, there's a disturbingly common glitch (as in it's happened to more than one person) where it seems that Connor Kenway, Desmond's great-great-something-or-another, is apparently overtaken by the stresses of being an assassin in Colonial America and just starts jacking it wherever he may be. Like by the river:
Via Anton Procter
"They'll never see me coming."
Or with friends:
"'Become a cop,' they told me. 'It'll be an exciting way to serve your community,' they said."
So, y'know, imagine finding out that your bold, brave ancestor was also a chronic public masturbator and being unable to do anything about it. Also note that this was not the first time in his family line that Desmond encountered such perversions. Yeah, we're not sure how these guys had ancestors in the first place.
The weirdest, or most awesome, thing about this glitch is that the animation isn't just an "if you look at it a certain way" kind of thing. No, it's almost disturbingly real, and it gets kind of uncomfortable to watch after a few seconds. Like someone put it there on purpose, perhaps to make Connor more relatable to the average gamer.
5Mortal Kombat's Glitchalities
Fatalities have been a staple of the Mortal Kombat franchise since the very first game, but even killing off incapacitated opponents in brutal ways can get a little repetitive. That's why each game introduced a variation on the classic formula -- like turning your enemies into animals and then brutally killing them ("Animalities"), or just brutally killing yourself for no reason ("Hara-Kiris").
As if that wasn't ridiculous enough, a glitch in Mortal Kombat: Deception allowed players to perform a Fatality and a Hara-Kiri at the same time, with hilarious results. This guy, for example, tries to punch another player's head off, but his own head inexplicably flies away instead ...
... and comically lands on his opponent. It could be worse -- this one tried so hard to tear off the other guy's arms that he just exploded from the effort:
There's a scene in The Karate Kid that's exactly like this.
Watch his legs do a little victory dance at the end. Those legs are just stoked about having been freed from the upper half of their body. And yet that isn't the most undignified example. This tough guy in Kill Bill pants takes his opponent off screen, and we hear pounding noises accompanied by blood spatter ... but then the camera pans back to reveal that he's the one who had his limbs rearranged:
"That's exactly how crazy I am! Don't fuck with me!"
Some of these are little surrealist works of art. The character named Kenshi tries to impress his enemy by levitating a palm tree with mental powers. Then he's like "Wait a minute, I don't have mental powers!" and (naturally) explodes:
We call this "The Cracked Retirement Package."
And so on. There's actually 10 minutes of these, and some of them are glorious. So if you're reading this, people who make Mortal Kombat, please make the Glitchalities a real move in the next game. You're clearly out of ideas by now, so you might as well.