The 4 Strangest Things Nobody Tells You About Life in China 5 Slapstick Failures by Modern Military Commanders 5 Things I Learned as an Anonymous TSA Blogger

The 5 Stupidest Ways Important People Leaked Deadly Secrets

When a movie portrays an operation to steal secret documents, usually you're talking about master hackers, or spies dropping down out of air vents and avoiding laser security systems. In real life, classified secrets are handled by bored bureaucrats and staffers who are just trying to get home for dinner. So what we're trying to say is that government leaks tend to be less Mission: Impossible and more "Guy mistook secret documents for toilet paper."

If you think that example is something we made up purely for comedy purposes, well ...

#5. Russians Literally Wiped Their Asses with Classified Documents

Photos.com

Now here's a scene you're never, ever going to see in a James Bond movie: At one point, Soviet troops wiped their asses with classified documents, and American spies fished the shit-stained state secrets out of the trash.

If this sounds too ludicrous to be true, a little background will help. Soviet-era Russia lacked several important aspects of modern life, including consumer goods we take for granted, like toilet paper. Also, freedom and the ability to criticize the government without being executed, but moreso the Charmin. So people in that situation get used to wiping with whatever they happen to have on hand -- catalogues, magazines, stray cats, etc.

Jupiterimages/Comstock/Getty Images
He used to be totally white.

Next you have to realize that Soviet soldiers were largely uneducated people, who lived simple, peasant lives when not soldiering all over the place. So, when they were on the shitter and grabbed whatever discarded sheets were nearby, they probably had no way of knowing they were wiping with classified documents. Whatever secrets these papers revealed likely meant nothing to them, except they helped provide a fresher feeling between the legs.

When US and UK forces got wind of this, they launched Operation Tamarisk, because "Operation Dig Through Garbage For Paper Wads Covered in Human Shit" did nothing to attract volunteers. Spies, who probably enlisted with visions of Sean Connery in a tuxedo dancing in their heads, would literally collect all the discarded crap-filled documents they could find and bring them back to friendly territory to be cleaned, decoded, and analyzed.

AP via Armahellas.com
"Please do not wipe your ass on this. -Stalin"

If that already sounds like the worst job in espionage history, it gets worse. Because they found that the Russians didn't just toss shit-coated secret in the trash; they also threw away goddamned body parts. Any limbs that were amputated or blown off, due to faulty grenades or other such weaponry, were literally chucked in the garbage, like a dinner plate full of chicken bones. Once word of this got out, U.S. and U.K. spies went about bringing those back, as well, so their superiors could deduce what kind of shrapnel the Soviets were using in their grenades. That, and to entertain the kiddies on base with the world's most gruesome and disturbing puppet show.

By the time the Allies had their fill of shit and gore, Operation Tamarisk had brought back a slew of vital, insanely classified information, going down as one of the most successful intelligence operations of the Cold War. Still probably not worth it, though.

Jupiterimages/liquidlibrary/Getty Images
"I've never been so thankful to be on a continent with no Mexican food."

#4. The Hunt for Red October Exposes A Super-Secret Submarine Project

Photos.com

From 1990, The Hunt For Red October was the epitome of a Cold War film. Featuring Soviet defections, submarine chases, and Sean Connery not giving the slightest shit about pulling off a Russian accent, the film was a huge hit, despite the whole Cold War thing all but ending the year before. But while millions of filmgoers loved it and the Tom Clancy novel it was based on, the U.S. military most certainly did not. All because of one little line that blew a billion-dollar secret.

If you're not familiar with Tom Clancy novels, they're basically military gadget porn. Clancy was always a well-connected guy and did his homework, so his stories always featured futuristic military hardware that was either based on stuff he knew was in development, or on educated guesses. Well, in this case, it was a little too educated.

Robert Mora/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
"Wanna know when you'll die? Sorry, you'll have to ask Stephen King about that one."

Back in 1973, the Navy had secretly developed gravity gradiometers, technology that could silently alert the crew of a submarine of any slight changes in the surrounding environment. If it detected a mountain, a drop-off, or even a bomb, the gradiometer would let the captain know, and he could plan an escape accordingly. That was huge, since submarines don't have windows and all, and it also gave them an advantage over Soviet subs, which didn't have it.

This technology remained a secret until The Hunt for Red October. As part of the "fake technical-sounding dialogue" the crew was jabbering at each other during the exciting submarine chase scenes, they can be heard referencing their gradiometer readings. What the writers thought was just fictional techno-jargon wound up being real secret technology. Technology that they had just inadvertently made public. It'd be like if the invisible car featured in Die Another Day turned out to be a real device British Intelligence had been trying to develop for decades.

NA/PhotoObjects.net/Getty Images
"Those sonsabitches gave away what?!"

The entire billion-dollar project was declassified months after the movie came out. The least they could have done was include some other, freakier techno-jargon just to keep their enemies guessing ("Captain! Turn on the Nuclear Scrotum Obliterator!").

#3. Two Secret CIA Bases Are Outed by Congress ... on National TV

Jupiterimages/Goodshoot/Getty Images

Sept. 11, 2012 was not a fun day for anybody. The U.S. Embassy in Benghazi, Libya was attacked, resulting in the deaths of several embassy workers, including the U.S. ambassador. The United States was stunned, obviously, so a Congressional hearing was held the next month on how and why this happened. Of course, discussing the ins and outs of embassy security and foreign intelligence without actually giving away key information about both would require officials to tread lightly. But that's old hat for members of Congress who deal with this sort of thing every day, right?

Well ...

The Oversight and Government Reform Committee, which sounds like it must just be a party a minute, met to discuss what happened that terrible day. Like almost all Congressional hearings, the meeting quickly devolved into idiotic questions, everyone blaming one another, and nobody actively taking responsibility for anything. Finally, they got around to presenting information about the attack, which included an overhead view of the American compound. As it turns out, there were two ultra-secret CIA buildings smack-dab in the middle of the shot.

Via Foreignpolicy.com
"Can you move your head a bit? We're planning terrorism."

Now, the situation could still have been saved at that point. After all, the buildings were hardly marked "CIA" in the photo. Since they were secret and all, they looked like regular old buildings to the naked eye. It would take some additional idiocy to blow the lid off the operation. Luckily, Utah Representative Jason Chaffetz was up to the challenge.

Chaffetz, instead of explaining away the buildings as mere administrative complexes or anything sensible like that, flat-out admitted that they're a big fucking deal. His exact words: "We're getting into classified issues that deal with sources and methods that would be totally inappropriate in an open forum such as this ... I totally object to the use of that photo ... I was told specifically while I was in Libya I could not and should not ever talk about what you're showing here today."

Brendan Hoffman/Getty Images News/Getty Images
"I'm not super good at listening."

At this point, any terrorist watching C-SPAN undoubtedly grabbed the popcorn and started chomping away, because this was about to get good. Chaffetz' partner-in-idiocy, Darrell Issa, directed that the picture be removed immediately. According to Issa, "In this hearing room, we're not going to point out details of what may still in fact be a facility of the United States government or more facilities."

Needless to say, the buildings have not been used since, and the whole episode caused a severe setback in U.S. intelligence-gathering operations. All because two politicians pulled the equivalent of telling your kid to NOT open the closet, because there are absolutely NO Christmas presents inside. Nope, not one single toy or video game in this closet right here.

Max Oppenheim/Digital Vision/Getty Images
"You motherfuckers."

  • Random

Recommended For Your Pleasure

To turn on reply notifications, click here

492 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!