Cracked Round-Up: Exhaustion High Edition

This is it, guys. We're finally going to be rich. Everyone loves drugs, right? Getting high is like, the second biggest business on earth. But all the good drugs are illegal. We can't break those laws without paying bribes and murdering an unprofitable amount of people. But there is one perfect way to get people fucked up without breaking a single law. That's right: we're becoming fatigue pushers.

So if you want a hit of the ol' No-Sleep-Tingles, just call us. We'll have a man drop by your house and keep you awake via electric shock and low-grade molestation until you start to feel it. Order now, and we'll throw in a pain-high for free!


Seanbaby primed us for comedy launch with the simple tasks people in commercials can't do right. Bucholz rolled up next to warn us about the animals that could knock man off his perch atop the food chain while Adam Brown discussed convenience store etiquette. Felix Clay looked at the products that prove humanity is doomed and Soren celebrated the world's greatest tributes to human failure. Robert Brockway gave our audience his most epic drinking story, followed by some tips from John Cheese on not getting screwed by your next online purchase. Luke McKinney closed us out with the mind-blowing facts no one taught you about black holes.


COLOR HATE
The 5 Weirdest Things That Can Cause You To Be More Racist
Shockingly, 'Living in the South' appears nowhere on this list.


Notable Comment: "nothing like a good 'ol cracked article telling me how terrible i am. i swear- it MUST be a rule that this place have x number of articles telling us how awful we are."

BarancyPeloma knows our secret mission statement.




DROP DEAD FAMOUS
5 Myths About Celebrity Deaths Everyone Believes
Everything you know is a lie. Except the fact that these people are dead.


Notable Comment: "You are right about Disney's frozen head being a myth. Its his entire body that was frozen. It is true. He is frozen and buried 26 floors below ground in Anaheim, CA. People have seen him..."

[Citation Needed], The_Lau, [Citation Needed].



RELIGION!
5 Shocking Scenes You Won't Believe Are In The Bible
That's right, folks. We read the Bible so you don't have to.


Notable Comment: "No love for Mrs. God?"

Mrs. God is nothing but a golddigger, xanatos1987.



MAD FOCUS
5 Beloved Famous People With Crazy Secret Obsessions
Famous and crazy are pretty much synonyms, at this point.


Notable Comment: "Satanists are atheists; they don't even believe in Satan. Satan is merely a symbol of freedom, individualism, personal responsibility, and religious skepticism -- it's all just presented with an openly-acknowledged theatrical flare."

Congratulations, Zero-89, you've made the devil seem boring.



ABBERATIONS
5 Famous People You Didn't Know Have Real Mutant Powers
When hard work, dedication and talent aren't enough, there's 'being a goddamn monster'!


Notable Comment: "as a partially sighted dude myself, number three doesn't surprise me. I've suspected it for years and generally use impressionism to describe how my world looks to you lucky people with working eyes"

We desperately hope MorlockHolmes realizes how appropriate his name is.





CRACKED Staff
The Greatest Internet Video Never Made
Behind the scenes.


YOU YOU YOU!
22 Reboots of Classic TV Shows Too Awesome to Exist
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, When Video Games Get TOO Realistic, Product Warning Labels in Movie Universes, Inspirational Images/Posters Revised for Honesty and Horrifying Facts About How Popular Foods Are Made.

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