Sometimes you hear about people finding valuable paintings hidden inside old frames at a garage sale or pirate gold beneath a dusty old restaurant on the northern California coast. Other times you click on the news and see people who find human skeletons under their hotel mattresses and taxidermy cat heads in their Happy Meals. The following stories are more like that second type.
#6. Librarian Finds Smallpox Scabs Inside an Old Book
Librarians have it rough, what with precocious rain-soaked children constantly bursting in to escape bullies, only to stumble upon enchanted books and khaki-shirted adventurers always using their tireless book-stamping work to mask the sound of hammering a stanchion through the library floor to uncover hidden treasure dungeons. But Susanne Caro drew the short stick in the "librarians finding gross shit in books" contest when she found an envelope containing smallpox scabs folded within the pages of some dusty old tome. We are almost positive this is not the type of magical discovery the Reading Rainbow theme song was referring to.
"Take a look ... it's in a book ... Reading Rainb- HOLY FUCK!"
Susanne was boning up on 19th century field medicine at the College of Santa Fe's Fogelson Library, when she found a yellowed envelope tucked inside bearing the nightmarishly descriptive label "scabs from vaccination of W.B. Yarrington's children," signed and dated by the book's author more than a century ago. Despite the fact that this is exactly how 30 percent of all Tales From The Crypt episodes begin, she decided to open the envelope, which, as promised, contained a handful of dried-up old mummy scabs. Clearly, this was a book that no one but the author himself had ever read.
You see, back in the 1800s the vaccination process was a little more visceral, because it isn't Civil War medicine unless it's gross and disgusting. The pox on an infected person would eventually scab over and fall off. Doctors would then take those scabs and implant them in the skin of healthy people, inducing a mild case of smallpox that would run its course and then leave the patient immune. Vaccinations today still follow this same basic idea, except instead of shoving infected flesh into your body, doctors now take a tiny needle coated with the virus and stab you with it 15 times.
As opposed to the old cow-in-the-office method.
The library called the CDC, who sent the FBI to pick up the scabs for some reason (presumably in case the envelope was part of a trap set by al-Qaeda time lords).
#5. A German Man Gets a Mummified Bat in His Box of Cereal
A man in Stuttgart, Germany was sitting down for his breakfast, pouring himself a bowl of Mini-Zimties cereal when a papery dead bat tumbled out of the box and onto the pile of sugary flakes. This is confusing for a number of reasons, chief among them being that the mascot for Mini-Zimties is a turtle.
Officials theorize that the bat flew into the Mini-Zimtie factory, flittered down onto the production floor, and made his way into a bag of cereal at some point during the packaging process without a single person noticing, which is certainly a much more likely explanation than some deranged maniac on the assembly line stuffing in a dead bat he brought from home to satisfy the burning edicts of the ghost princes that rule his nightmares.
"I don't care if you do sound like my mom. I'm not a slave to your demonic demands!"
Either way, the creature was sealed inside and delivered to the home of the unfortunate breakfaster in the most unlucky series of events to befall a German person since the girl from Run Lola Run got killed in the first five minutes of The Bourne Supremacy.
The official assessment of the food safety representative called on to investigate the situation was that it was "an unusual case," and we should sincerely fucking hope so. We're not sure what bleak crag-scarred landscape the Mini-Zimtie production facility rests on, but apparently it's deep enough in the Black Forest for the desiccated corpses of Halloween animals not to raise any alarms in Quality Control.
"Well, there's your problem. Those aren't blueberries."
#4. Golf Course Employees Find a Meth Lab Inside a Porta-potty
One uneventful day, employees at a golf course in Purcell, Okla., stumbled upon a makeshift meth lab inside a portable toilet on the greens, which is a sentence that tells you all you need to know about the state of golfing in Oklahoma. Though to be fair, pretty much every meth lab in history has been a makeshift one.
They noticed some plastic bottles hidden inside the poop hatch of one of the porta-potties, full of some unidentified liquid that was sufficiently free of corn and peanuts to arouse suspicion. The workers called the cops, but by the time the police arrived, two of the three bottles had exploded, which is a turn of events made even more unfortunate by the fact that they were laying in a cauldron of doodoo. Inside the remaining bottle, detectives discovered what they described as a "shake and bake" meth-preparing technique, which consists of pouring chemicals together in a bottle, shaking them up and setting the bottle aside to let them cook. In a toilet. This is a method that has yet to be explored on Breaking Bad.
We're pretty sure meth and jenkem were never meant to be mixed.
Well, that's just great. Having to use a porta-potty is already the low point of any day. It's like stepping into a urine-soaked humidor with nothing to wipe with but spiders. Now, every time you hop into one of those plastic deuce chambers you'll be running the risk of having your asshole detonated by a scatological chemical explosion. So bear that in mind next time you go to the county fair, where porta-potties are the only available restrooms and "cooking meth" is an option on the employee skill set questionnaire.
That's not sugar they're amped up on, Mom.