#5. Radiation Detector for iPhone
If you've ever found yourself gripped with panic over the possibility of being slowly poisoned to death by invisible beams of radioactivity (which is a narrow-to-nonexistent threat for the majority of the planet), the RDTX Pro Portable Radiation Detector can easily be attached to your iPhone, bringing you consistently accurate radiation-level readings for up to 96 hours on a single charge while resting handsomely in a convenient belt holster that lets passersby know they should not attempt to speak to you for any reason.
You simply wave the wand attachment around to get a reading, which is displayed on the screen of your smartphone on a color-coded meter -- green for "safe area," yellow for "elevated radiation," and red for "both the phone and your eyeballs have melted onto your face."
#4. The FaceKini
The FaceKini is a nylon bodysuit that protects against 99.9 percent of the sun's ultraviolet rays and comes in a variety of flamboyant colors sure to inspire a handful of merry chuckles from the coroner who has to peel it off your face after you've been shot to death by a hot dog vendor who thought you were trying to rob his cart.
It's most popular in the Eastern Hemisphere, where a tanned or sunburned face gives people the impression that you work outside all day and thus come from a poor social standing (although we feel that walking around in an androgynous unitard would be the more embarrassing blemish on your family name). In their defense, it is much easier to dress like a luchador than to try and coat your entire body with sunscreen.
#3. The Plane Clean Air Filter
The Plane Clean Air Filter attaches to the standard overhead nozzle found in most passenger aircraft and filters out 99.5 percent of airborne bacteria and viruses, assuming you are able to carry a mysterious blue nipple through airport security and hastily stick it on the ceiling mid-flight without getting your throat chopped by an air marshal.
However, we question how effectively it can actually protect you from airborne contagion. Sure, it may filter the air shooting out of that tiny ball-jointed wind cannon, but it isn't like you're sitting in a hermetically sealed bubble -- odds are at least one of your elbows is touching someone who is actively coughing up a swirling cloud of hot disease, enveloping you and everyone else in the row. This is arguably the first time in history that a plague mask would be the more practical option.
#2. Various Infidelity-Busting Hidden Cameras
Yes, it just looks like a regular ol' clock -- that's the point. It wouldn't do you much good as a "catch your spouse banging the gardener" hidden camera otherwise.
There's a large enough consumer base of people willing to spend $600 to catch their spouses in the midst of an adulterous affair that an exhaustive market has sprung up to support the demand (see "panty swab," above). If you think your husband or wife is cheating on you, you can buy a variety of hidden cameras cunningly disguised as absurdly conspicuous household items to be suddenly displayed in several prominent rooms of your home without explanation. So for instance, if you think your significant other plans on smashing pelvises with a co-worker on a bearskin rug in front of a fireplace, that mantle clock will catch them dead in the act. Also, it looks like something a sea captain would keep in his cabin next to a picture of his dead mother, so if any of that applies to you, it could make a worthwhile purchase as well.
It's available at the Cheaters Spy Shop, which as the name suggests is sponsored by the TV show Cheaters (despite the fact that no person ever featured on Cheaters is likely to have a mantle or give a shit what time of day it is). Or perhaps you would prefer to go for a teddy bear with a motion sensor:
"Surprise! I bought you 16 of these, which I will display in every room of the house."
The puzzlingly named Xtreme Life Teddy Bear is perhaps better suited for catching abusive nannies than nefarious spouses, unless you normally keep stuffed animals around the house, in which case your partner is almost certainly cheating on you. Its camera is triggered by movement, sort of like a voyeuristic tyrannosaurus, so you're going to have to go through about 17 hours of people walking in and out of the room before you get to any incriminating footage of your maid pooping into your simmering pot of chili.
Subtitle: "DO NOT READ!"
We can immediately give the above SecureShot Book DVR Camera credit for disguising itself as 5 pounds of ponderous reference material that no one would ever want to read. So, it is unlikely that your husband or wife would try to pull one off the shelf and discover that these books are A) attached and B) actually a camera. Of course, the converse effect is that they will immediately wonder what the hell possessed you to purchase both books and stand them proudly on your night table in a space previously occupied by J.D. Robb novels and/or stacks of Maxim.
#1. The $25,000 Z.E.R.O. (Zombie Extermination, Research, and Operations) Kit
For the zombie enthusiast with a disposable income (either because your parents don't charge rent for the room over the garage or because you have to spend the last of that ransom money before the FBI can trace it back to you), OpticsPlanet.com offers a can't-lose trade of $25,000 for their Zombie Extermination, Research, and Operations Kit, because at this point in your life, dropping that much cash on a fantasy costume box is probably not the most self-destructive decision you have ever made.
The Z.E.R.O. kit doesn't actually come with any guns, which you would think might come in handy during an outbreak of the undead, but it is stuffed full to bursting with camouflage outfits, a couple of toolboxes bedazzled with neon green ZOMBIE logos, and 600 batteries, just in case you needed more of a reminder that you could've bought a car instead. The commercial even seems to be calling you an asshole for considering the purchase:
The "research" portion of Z.E.R.O. appears to consist of some oversized pictures of people in zombie makeup, as it would have been impossible to include photographs of actual zombies because zombies do not exist. It also has a microscope for the examination of diseased blood samples to assist in finding a cure for any of your loved ones stricken with the zombie plague, the irony being that if you are the type of person who would spend a year's salary on a zombie dress-up kit, you probably murdered your family long ago.
For more ways to part a fool and his money, check out 5 'Luxury' Toys for the Children of Wealthy Douchebags and 14 'Luxury' Sex Toys for the Extremely Rich and Creepy.
If you're pressed for time and just looking for a quick fix, then check out The Series of Pictures That Prove Heidi Klum Is a Superhero.