To some people, life seems to be teetering on the brink of disaster at every moment. Their fate is just a matter of whether the worldwide natural disaster strikes before the gangs of roving bandits can stab them to death. Fortunately, what this particular demographic may lack in reason they make up for in income, and there's no shortage of products designed to prey on their irrational fears for a few extra (thousand) bucks.
#10. Pet Emergency Evacuation Jacket
Yes, for a little less than $500 with shipping, you can dress your pet up like a baked potato to keep it safe from disasters both man-made and natural. The Pet Emergency Evacuation Jacket boasts a handle to carry your little friend to safety, as well as several built-in storage pouches, because if you're going to be carrying Admiral Whiskers through a subway collapse while he thrashes around like a panic-frenzied suitcase with rabies, the least he could do is hold your Kindle for you.
The vest is flame-retardant, a feature the website manages to point out several times without mentioning the situational disadvantage of dressing your pet in fireproof clothing that doesn't cover its legs or face.
"Kill me, I beg of you."
#9. Pepper Spray iPhone Case
We dare you to find just one flaw in the above invention! It's a device that makes your phone shoot out a face-melting spray -- we refuse to even entertain the idea that such a thing could go wrong.
It's real, by the way -- the Spraytect Pepper Spray iPhone Case is a hard protective shell for your smartphone capable of firing cartridges of law-enforcement-grade pepper spray. It does have several complicated safety mechanisms to prevent accidental firing (and, we suppose, to give the muggers extra time to blind you with a switchblade and make good their escape). It also unlocks endless practical joke potential, to be unleashed any time your friends insist on you taking a picture of them standing in front of some restaurant that was in an episode of Sex and the City.
"Oooh, I love your pretty new phone c- OH DEAR GOD, THERE IS HELL IN MY FUCKING EYES!"
Additionally, the website takes great care to point out that the pepper spray cartridge is detachable, which seems to suggest that the manufacturers are aware of how little an advantage is actually gained by gluing it to your phone. The whole "ease of access in an emergency" base was pretty well covered by the pepper spray key chain -- Spraytect seems to just be combining self-defense equipment with random things on your person, so we assume they're only a few months from unveiling a pocket light tied to a hand grenade and a wallet that shoots fire.
#8. Personal Airbag
If you're an octogenarian burdened with osteoporosis and an inner ear infection, the Personal Airbag offers protection against bone-shattering confrontations with the floor and/or staircase.
For $1,400, you can strap a harness of two-and-a-half-pound self-inflating cushions to your back that will instantly swell up in response to any sudden movements. The obvious drawback is that the Personal Airbag can really only help you if you topple over backward. If your ancient knees buckle and send you falling face-first into the concrete floor of Costco, the airbag can do nothing but add its extra weight to your journey. Well, we suppose the other drawback is that once you own this, there is no way you wouldn't be constantly flinging yourself backward just to make it inflate and bounce you off the floor. Even if you can resist it sober, it'll be the very first thing you try once you've got a few beers in you.
#7. CheckMate Infidelity Semen Testing Kit
The CheckMate Infidelity Test allows nervous and insecure husbands to strengthen the bonds of their marriage by dumping chemicals into their wives' panties to test for rogue semen. Because clearly, the best way to resolve serious communication breakdowns in your relationship is to buy a box on the Internet to dust your wife's vagina for fingerprints.
The CheckMate test is equal parts paranoia and utter despair, because nothing good can possibly come from its purchase -- you'll either waste $50 or find out your wife is cheating on you. Regardless, you're going to spend your evening trying to swab dried ropes of brogurt from your wife's dirty underwear pile while she's asleep in the next room.
CheckMate maintains a permanent buy-one-get-one-free promotion, presumably anticipating that the saline content of your bitter tears will contaminate the results of at least one test.
"Buy 714, get 714 free!"
#6. LaserScan Deterrent (i.e., Fake) Security System
The most important thing to note about the LaserScan Deterrent Security System is that it is not actually a security system. It doesn't have an alarm and it won't dial 911 during a home invasion ("Carry Your Ass to ADT if You Want Something Practical" is presumably the LaserScan slogan). What it will do is throw two beams of light in a continuous motion across the floor of your home or office to make it look as though you're steeling the joint against Danny Ocean.
The reasoning here is that any would-be burglar would take one look at the high-tech wizardry of those dancing laser beams and assume they're attached to the most advanced security system imaginable outside of hiring Megatron as a night watchman.
"Fuck. I don't do lasers, Chad Thiefman, you know that."
Globallink Security Solutions dubs their LaserScan system a "theft deterrent," essentially an expensive visual ruse meant to trick criminals. This would be like spending several hundred dollars on a stuffed gorilla and keeping it in the back of your car to scare thieves.