So often, when Mother Nature gets drunk and tosses two perfectly normal animals into the blender, what results is a completely new (and completely fucked up) miracle of life. We've discussed some of these lazily designed creatures in the past, but it turns out nature wasn't done haphazardly stapling DNA together and calling it a day. How else would you explain ...
8 Catfish + Octopus = Medusa Pleco
Eising/Photodisc/Getty Images, Ion Prodan/Photos.com, planetcatfish.com
When the Great Old Ones come and the gasps of the doomed signal the birth of a new age and a slithering dominion over man, will you have the proper tank filter and decorative coral to ensure that your new pet is happy and healthy in his adopted home?
The Planted Tank
A little bubbling treasure chest or two would please the Master.
That thing is Medusa Plecu, a Brazilian catfish, and at first glance it looks like Cthulhu in the flesh: pitch-black, ugly as can be, and a whole mess of tentacles where a mouth probably should've been. Hell, it even looks angry! We have awoken the Dark One, and he ... cleans our fish tanks.
Well. Winning the war was easier than we thought.
In its natural habitat, the Medusa uses its decidedly non-evil tentacles as feelers to forage for food. Thus, it's a natural transition to baby's first bottom-feeding, cuddly algae slurper. This mythos is getting worse by the second.
Jeremy B. via cichlids.com
That is not dead which can on the bottom lie, and with strange tentacles even algae may die.
Shockingly, Medusa Plecu don't like each other. Sticking two of them together in the same tank can provoke an all-out, um, mild tussle for the ages. So ... don't do it? Or maybe you should; it might be more fun. Nobody tell Cthulhu's cult about this, OK? It would severely bum them out.
7 Squid + Cockatiel = Taonius Borealis
Eising/Photodisc/Getty Images, StAphan Dupont/Photos.com, MBARI via tolweb.org
Oh God, make it stop staring! Those are the eyes you see on the neighborhood sex offender as you're jogging by his house.
MBARI via The Featured Creature
If someone ever decides to build a zeppelin for pedophiles, this is pretty much their concept model.
Combine that with this thing's beyond-creepy grin and you have to wonder if it has plans for us. Humanity is officially doomed, thanks to a see-through bird with Steve Buscemi eyes and hatred in its clearly visible heart. Luckily for us, Taonius borealis (only known by its Latin-y scientific name) lives in the deep ocean, its nightmares secure under a trillion tons of water pressure. It's a large squid, roughly 20 inches in length, and that pretty cockatiel pompadour it's sporting is actually its tentacles.
Unlike your grandma's precious birdie, T. borealis' crown houses tons of razor-sharp teeth at the tips. Because -- bird jokes aside -- these are squids, and squids hate everything.
Richard E. Young via tolweb.org
"You worthless humans have 24 hours to give me a real name."
Haven't shat your pants yet? Look at those eyes again. Notice how they fucking rotate? Like Satan's telescope, this guy's eyes can bulge out and move in most any direction imaginable, and its sockets tag along for the ride. This means more visibility for the borealis, and less sleep for the rest of us.