So often, when Mother Nature gets drunk and tosses two perfectly normal animals into the blender, what results is a completely new (and completely fucked up) miracle of life. We've discussed some of these lazily designed creatures in the past, but it turns out nature wasn't done haphazardly stapling DNA together and calling it a day. How else would you explain ...
Eising/Photodisc/Getty Images, Ion Prodan/Photos.com, planetcatfish.com
When the Great Old Ones come and the gasps of the doomed signal the birth of a new age and a slithering dominion over man, will you have the proper tank filter and decorative coral to ensure that your new pet is happy and healthy in his adopted home?
The Planted Tank
A little bubbling treasure chest or two would please the Master.
That thing is Medusa Plecu, a Brazilian catfish, and at first glance it looks like Cthulhu in the flesh: pitch-black, ugly as can be, and a whole mess of tentacles where a mouth probably should've been. Hell, it even looks angry! We have awoken the Dark One, and he ... cleans our fish tanks.
Well. Winning the war was easier than we thought.
In its natural habitat, the Medusa uses its decidedly non-evil tentacles as feelers to forage for food. Thus, it's a natural transition to baby's first bottom-feeding, cuddly algae slurper. This mythos is getting worse by the second.
Jeremy B. via cichlids.com
That is not dead which can on the bottom lie, and with strange tentacles even algae may die.
Shockingly, Medusa Plecu don't like each other. Sticking two of them together in the same tank can provoke an all-out, um, mild tussle for the ages. So ... don't do it? Or maybe you should; it might be more fun. Nobody tell Cthulhu's cult about this, OK? It would severely bum them out.
Eising/Photodisc/Getty Images, StAphan Dupont/Photos.com, MBARI via tolweb.org
Oh God, make it stop staring! Those are the eyes you see on the neighborhood sex offender as you're jogging by his house.
MBARI via The Featured Creature
If someone ever decides to build a zeppelin for pedophiles, this is pretty much their concept model.
Combine that with this thing's beyond-creepy grin and you have to wonder if it has plans for us. Humanity is officially doomed, thanks to a see-through bird with Steve Buscemi eyes and hatred in its clearly visible heart. Luckily for us, Taonius borealis (only known by its Latin-y scientific name) lives in the deep ocean, its nightmares secure under a trillion tons of water pressure. It's a large squid, roughly 20 inches in length, and that pretty cockatiel pompadour it's sporting is actually its tentacles.
Unlike your grandma's precious birdie, T. borealis' crown houses tons of razor-sharp teeth at the tips. Because -- bird jokes aside -- these are squids, and squids hate everything.
Richard E. Young via tolweb.org
"You worthless humans have 24 hours to give me a real name."
Haven't shat your pants yet? Look at those eyes again. Notice how they fucking rotate? Like Satan's telescope, this guy's eyes can bulge out and move in most any direction imaginable, and its sockets tag along for the ride. This means more visibility for the borealis, and less sleep for the rest of us.
Marcin Pawinski/Photos.com, Ryan McVay/Photodisc/Getty Images, The Reptile Report
So fate rolled the dice and decided that you were to be a lizard. Maybe you wanted to be a hulking, poison-mouthed Komodo dragon. Unfortunately, fate gave less than a negative shit about your goals, shrunk you down to worm size, and took away half your legs. Sorry, bub; you're now a Mexican mole lizard.
Gary Nafis via CaliforniaHerps.com
Too creepy to be cute, but still too adorable to kill with a shovel.
Mole lizards might as well call themselves worms; they are segmented like them, slither like them, and hang around in the dirt like them. They use those little mole-like forearms to dig down and waddle around, and they mainly eat insects and smaller lizards. This is somehow enough to make local fishermen shit their pants in fear, though we'd also wager that a loud gust of wind could do the same. Seriously; this is one of the most feared animals in its native Baja peninsula. According to local folklore, "Its long claws grip the walls of the rectum and serve to anchor it within the intestinal tract. The short limbs are used to locomote deeper into the body."
Gary Nafis via CaliforniaHerps.com
On second thought, let's obliterate these things with a pipe bomb of shovels.
Now obviously, a long, fleshy tube plunging deep into somebody's asshole would never happen, and the mole lizard is actually quite harmless. Unless you're an insect, apparently.
Anup Shah/Photodisc/Getty Images, Comstock/Getty Images, Raul654
If you're not seeing the "giraffe" part, look at the head. So maybe this is three animals -- zebra, horse, giraffe. Or maybe it was just supposed to be a zebra/giraffe and Mother Nature realized she didn't have enough black and white paint and was like "Fuck it, I've got plenty of brown I can use. Now where's my bourbon?"
The okapi is actually related to the giraffe and is its last living relative, which must make for depressing family reunions. They both have sloping builds, large ears, and freaky long tongues that can rip leaves off of trees (and make lonely mateless nights all the more enjoyable).
Tom Brakefield/Stockbyte/Getty Images
Using this picture on OkCupid will NOT make the ladies "get the idea."
This thing is, by the way, not related to the zebra at all. So why the stripes? Camouflage, for one; the okapi hides in the forest and lets the sunlight bounce off its white markings, making the animal near-impossible to see. They also aid calves when following their mother around, because no two pairs of Zubaz leggings look alike.
Though tame, they aren't recommended as house pets, no matter how rich, insane, or insanely rich you may be. Why? Well, they hate you. Okapis are solitary creatures that don't interact well with others. They won't gore you or anything, but don't be shocked if they destroy everything you own in an attempt to escape while screeching the okapi version of "FREEEEEEEDOOOOOOMMMMMMM."
"Cesar said we have to be dominan- CHRIST HE JUST LICKED MY EYEBALL!"
Oh, and they leave tar footprints behind. Just the thickest, stickiest gunk imaginable, used to mark their territory. And this happens every single time they walk. Suddenly, Fluffy tracking litter into the kitchen doesn't seem so bad.