Catherine Zeta-Jones has a lot to be proud of, physically. But if there's one feature she values above all else, that's her right hip, so she makes damn sure you notice it.
"Yesh, darling, get that ash a little closher to my mouth."
Entrapment and Chicago are two of her most famous movies, but Zeta-Jones has been drawing attention to her right hip for a long time; she's been doing it from her earliest roles (the little seen Blue Juice) to her most recent ones (the little seen Rock of Ages).
Perhaps figuring that the audience has seen enough of her hip by now, in the poster for Intolerable Cruelty, she tries to get George Clooney to look at it. You might think he's doing a great job resisting her charms, but the universal "hiding a boner" posture gives away the fact that he has at least peeked at it.
None can resist the hip.
As you can see, she usually accomplishes her objective by standing like her spine is severely dislocated, but the poster for The Rebound proves that she can even manage to do it while sitting.
"If I don't sit this way, my entire skeleton will collapse."
Granted, it's a nice hip (way nicer than any of ours), but there's just so much more to be proud of, Catherine. We don't know why she's so insecure about this. Even the cartoon version of her in Sinbad is oddly enamored with that particular part of her pelvis.
Yet another disappointingly titled work that does not, in fact, star Sinbad.
But she isn't the only one who benefits from this. The makers of The Legend of Zorro were aware that Zeta-Jones' hip works like a black hole that sucks attention, which is probably why they decided to position the movie's logo in such a strategic place.
Wait, Zorro is in this movie?
Kevin Spacey has been appearing in movies since the 1980s, but he hit it big with The Usual Suspects in 1995, the posters for which featured him and the other characters standing in a police lineup -- which made sense, because that scene is actually in the movie.
As was Benicio Del Toro's perplexing accent.
However, the poster was so iconic that almost every movie Spacey has done since then ...
We're still trying to figure out what exactly was so horrible about Charlie Day's boss.
... has been trying to put him in some type of lineup ...
... even if it requires literally drawing lines between the characters. Also, note that the following (sacrilegious) poster is the only one where Spacey isn't in the first or second spot.
Stanley Tucci read the tagline and stole his place.
Some movies even hark back to the whole criminal aspect from The Usual Suspects by making Kevin Spacey stand around with a bunch of tough guys in leather jackets.
You can tell they're tough because they're in sepia.
Other times, they try to shake things up by putting him in a vertical line instead of a horizontal one ...
... or just changing the angle to form a diagonal one.
If you put them together, it's like they're on an X-Men cover.
Natalie Portman has gone through a strange evolution in her movie posters. Usually, actors develop their skills by learning to express a more varied range of emotions, but she's gone in the opposite direction. Early in her career, she smiled all the time -- there always seemed to be something to her right that she found incredibly amusing.
Zach Braff is like "Dammit, Natalie, you're ruining my super-serious art movie."
Portman first started getting some respect as an actor in Closer, which has a poster that required all the actors to look straight ahead and get as serious as possible. So she dropped the smile for this one, but you could still sort of see some trace of mischievousness in her face.
However, Portman's real turning point was V for Vendetta, where they must have taken 200 different photos before they finally reached the point where she just wanted to go home, as evidenced by the completely bored and emotionless way she's looking at us.
Which would have made a far more appropriate symbol for Anonymous, if you ask us.
Somehow, this worked out pretty well for her, so she's been doing ...
Apparently Mila Kunis is terrible at oral.
... the exact same bored face ...
... in every movie since.
"Sorry, ladies, we've already filled our quota of one female." -- Science
And this doesn't just happen in serious dramas -- Thor and Your Highness are a superhero film and a medieval stoner comedy, respectively, and she still gave us the blank face. This is made even more baffling by the fact that she's never used that expression in the movies themselves. Maybe she just fucking hates doing posters.
You know how they say that Tom Cruise is secretly a short person, but you never notice it in his movies? Well, we're convinced that Sean Connery is the opposite -- he's actually the size of the Empire State Building, and the studios have been spending millions of dollars using special effects to make him look like a normal-sized person. At first, we just chalked this up to James Bond and his tendency to attract tiny women who sit on his shoulders.
"Ladiesh, if you think thish head is masshive ..."
But no, Sean Connery looks like a giant in movies of all types, from The Avengers to Zardoz.
Zardoz's mustache has a dandruff problem, hence the meteorological phenomenon known as "snow."
In fact, it looks like Connery has only gotten bigger over the years. Here we see him towering over a nuclear submarine, an airplane, Catherine Zeta-Jones' hip, and the entire New York skyline:
"The volume of phallic objectsh in my postersh is merely a coinshidensh."
Yes, Sean Connery is bigger than an entire city -- the tiny version of him you see on the Finding Forrester poster is actually his cosmic herald, who scouts the universe searching for planets for Connery to devour. And if you think these are just perspective tricks or something, several posters make sure to include other actors as well just to point out that they are but ants next to Connery.
OK, no more Connery accent, we promise.
The only instance we could find where someone is bigger than Connery in a poster is Harrison Ford in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, where they presumably used photo trickery to make Ford appear larger because he's technically the star of the movie.
But look at Connery's face there -- he's pissed. He's clearly thinking, "I'll show that whippersnapper." And sure enough, Connery got them to include a second, actual-sized version of Ford right below him. Just to set the record straight.
"I'm 12 yearsh older and 12 feet taller."
J.F. Sargent does the Twitter and the Tumblr every now and again. Gabe likes email, and always does the same things on Twitter and the online radio station he DJs for. Kier Harris has a Twitter, and you can send him your kidneys via email.
And stop by LinkSTORM to see David Wong's best Blue Steel.
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