If you've ever had the privilege of seeing the Statue of Liberty in person, you were probably struck with a mix of patriotism and awe, immediately followed by a twinge of boredom. Lady Liberty is great and all, but unless she's kicking ass in a Toby Keith song or flipping out in front of a tax preparation office, she's usually not something to be afraid of. Her designers could have learned a thing or two from these idols of badassery, which are more likely to haunt your dreams than inspire your love of country.
#6. Half Lion, Half Fish, All Badass
Quick quiz: What's the national mascot of Singapore? Quick answer: the Merlion. Second quick quiz: What's a Merlion? Second quick answer: It's like a mermaid, but with the top half of a lion instead of a woman. And it's goddamned terrifying:
Either way that puss smells like tuna.
So Singapore's 11-story Merlion would have been spectacular and/or nightmarish in its own right, considering the look of pure dumb crazy in its eyes and the span of its gaping mouth. But you have to be careful not to confuse the 11-story Sentosa Merlion with the Merlion of Merlion Park, which is actually a fountain that projectile vomits water into the bay below because it's a Merlion and it doesn't give a fuck.
Considering what cats usually spray, this could be much worse.
The Sentosa Merlion doesn't just boast the shape of a monster, the height of a building, and a hollow body that you can climb into on days when you just want to know what it's like to gaze on your city from the mouth of a fish-lion about to go on a rampage ...
Getty Images News/Getty Images
"Is that your stomach growling?"
... it has a much weirder trick up its sleeve. It turns out the whole thing is covered with 16,000 lights that turn the statue into a mythological disco party at night. And its mouth and eyes are lit from within, so you'll never forget what hell looked like in the '70s.
And, if the mood is right and the power is up and running, this Merlion shoots LASERS out of its EYES. All statues should have that capability.
#5. The Motherland Calls You (to Hell)
Deep in the heart of what used to be Stalingrad is a statue so fearsome, so monstrous, so testing-the-boundaries-of-what-God-will-allow, that it's actually in danger of self-destruction any day now. Not just because of the person-size mouth that threatens to inhale all the good oxygen that's left in the world, but because it's just too damn big. Behold, "The Motherland Calls":
"Higher! Kick higher, or you'll taste my blade!"
Now, it helps to know that this sword-swinging giant isn't just an ode to big-muscled Russian ladies -- she's commemorating the Battle of Stalingrad, a World War II fight that saw over a million deaths between the two sides. So while America's iconic lady statue carries a torch lighting the way toward freedom, Russia's is carrying a sword lighting the way toward certain annihilation. If you ever needed to know what the Cold War was about, this is probably it.
"Commie ... Commie ... Communism, hoooooooooo!"
But there's a problem. The statue is so massive that the two shawls on her back are each the size of a Mack truck and weigh 250 tons apiece. The statue as a whole weighs a gigantic 8,000 tons.
"Fuck you, it's just some holiday weight."
Look at that chart. The Statue of Liberty may be slightly taller than Russia's giant female sword monster, but if you take away the Statue of Liberty's wussy pedestal, it's barely half of Mama Calls' size. "The Motherland Calls," on the other hand, is standing on the GROUND like an average Joe. Hell, "The Motherland Calls" isn't even attached to its foundation. It's just resting there on the hill with its weight and gravity being the only thing keeping it from kicking the whole Earth's ass. It's so rad, it doesn't even care about structural integrity, a fact you might want to keep in mind the next time you visit the area.
#4. Peter the Great Has the Eyes of a Madman
Have you ever wondered what it would look like if Edgar Allan Poe piled a bunch of ships on top of each other, climbed to the top, then looked out upon the ocean with a set of eyes so crazy, they begged for an intervention? Russian artist Zurab Tsereteli did. So, in 1997, he used the 300th anniversary of the founding of Russia's navy to unleash this heap of anger on the city of Moscow:
To be fair, 300 is the Terrifying Nautical Statue Anniversary.
Now, obviously the man above isn't Edgar Allan Poe or William Shakespeare or Bill Murray or any of the other men he slightly resembles; he's supposed to be Peter the Great, the ruthless czar who dragged Russia into modernity. It just so happens that this version of Peter is dressed like a Roman centurion and holding a golden scroll that bears the names of all who will be consumed by his wavy locks. His other hand is steering the ship, which isn't so much a ship as it is a "ship collection," but we'll get to that in a second.
"The scroll is a menu, and dinner is your souls."
Under Peter's feet is a decent-size boat. Sure, it's small compared to his giant form, but realistic scale isn't a concern when creating the world's most badass monuments. What's more important is what's underneath that ship, which is about a dozen other ships, each jammed mercilessly with a flag of St. Andrew's cross, just so you don't forget who's in charge here.
RIA Novosti/Alexander Polyakov
Not pictured: Thousands of gruesomely murdered sailors.