The 5 Most Baffling Tactics in the War on Terror

#2. Trading Viagra for Cooperation with the CIA


In disputed regions of Afghanistan, having a good relationship with the local chiefs is one of the most crucial elements in maintaining a peaceful presence while trying to work your covert ops boogaloo. The CIA normally did this with simple cash payoffs, but the chiefs were spending the money like the kid in Blank Check, essentially giving themselves away as informants and ruining any chance of catching the terrorists by surprise. The only other thing the Americans had to offer was guns, and despite the teachings of Rambo III, the CIA decided that dumping more weapons into Afghanistan was probably not a good idea.

See that dude helping Rambo? He's in the Taliban. Hindsight is 20/20.

The solution? Boners. Pulsing, pharmaceutical terror boners. Since many of the local chiefs the CIA dealt with were aging men with multiple wives, Viagra became the bribery currency of choice. After handing over a modest stash of those blue pills, the Americans would have complete freedom to operate within the chiefs' jurisdictions and nobody would be the wiser. You can't build a waterslide and a fleet of Escalades out of Viagra, so there weren't any red flags getting tossed into the air for the terrorists to notice, and you can't blast a helicopter out of the sky with a blister pack of erection powder, so there was no fear of the bribes being recirculated and used against Americans.

True, some of the chiefs had a certain moral flexibility that most members of the United Nations would frown upon, but America is bold enough to form alliances with dubious characters in order to achieve a greater good. Truly, it is a strategy that has never, ever backfired.

Not once.

Not a single, solitary once.

#1. Trolling Terrorist Message Boards


With the cost of mailing terrorist newsletters at an all-time high (and the potentially incriminating risk of having to print a return address), violent extremists are turning to chat rooms and forums to spread their hateful message rather than just standing on random street corners hoping to convert people to their cause. Knowing how dangerously effective Internet trolls are at recruiting suicide bombers, the State Department knew they had to step in.

Thus they created a new program called "Viral Peace." The program aims to thwart these terrorist instigators with "logic, humor satire, and religious arguments," because centuries of conflict, aggression, violence, and fanaticism can be undone by bearded twentysomethings posting patronizing emoticons and links to Huffington Post articles on

"Now tell him he's fat."

The idea is that burgeoning terrorists have fragile egos that need constant reinforcement, so they spew their charmingly murderous rhetoric on message boards with like-minded people who support and encourage them. The goal of Viral Peace agents is to infiltrate these sites and troll the shit out of them, ambushing threads with belittling jokes and substantive discourse. The would-be terrorists, staring into the unflinching eyes of superior reason, would find their already fragile self-esteems deflated and be forced to retreat, neutralizing any potential threat. This is clearly a flawless initiative, because nothing keeps people from wanting to blow shit up like frustration and disempowerment.

To date, they have created 67 percent more terrorists than they've stopped.

The creators of Viral Peace hope to train agents worldwide to begin lurking on message boards and comment sections, despite the fact that every single forum on the Internet offers this training for free.

You are formally invited to follow Scott on Twitter here. Black tie optional.

For more reasons why, sometimes, war is laughable, check out The Top 8 Unintentionally Hilarious Vehicles Ridden Into War and The 5 Most Retarded Wars Ever Fought.

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