5A Live Shark
We wish we could tell you that one day a golfer was lining up his putt when a goddamn falling shark bounced off his head. But unfortunately, it appears that no one was around when, in October 2012, a live leopard shark fell out of the sky and onto the 12th tee at the San Juan Hills Golf Club in San Juan Capistrano, California.
An unsuspecting course marshal (the guy who yells at golfers when they play too slowly) happened upon the 2-foot-long animal while on patrol. Oh, did we mention that it was still alive? So, in what was probably the high point of this dude's career, he loaded the flopping thing onto his golf cart and got to pull up to the clubhouse with a freaking shark in his back seat.
"Dude ... let's find another one, tape them to the ends of sticks, and make shark swords!"
Since it stubbornly refused to die, someone had the wherewithal to put the poor thing in some actual water, where it "wiggled around" while being ogled by most of the staff. Finally, an employee made the 5-mile drive to the Pacific Ocean, where he released the shark and it swam away, effectively giving fate the middle finger. Again. That's right -- it lived. At least, it lived long enough to re-enter the food chain, where it will likely realize its destiny by being eaten by another, larger shark.
So how did it end up on a golf course? It was probably snatched from the ocean by a bird, since employees noticed puncture wounds and a small amount of blood near its dorsal fin. This dude managed to endure the bad-day-for-a-shark trifecta of being picked up by a bird, faceplanting in the middle of a golf course without dying, and spending countless minutes being poked and prodded by caddies while slowly asphyxiating. According to experts at the Ocean Institute in Dana Point, the only birds native to the area with the necessary strength to hoist a shark and fly 5 miles with it are ospreys and peregrine falcons, and if the shark had been any smaller, odds are excellent that he'd have finished his day being reconstituted as bird poop.
Phil Lanoue via Carolinabirdclub.org
In October 2012, a teenager taking a horseback riding lesson got hit in the head by a hunk of falling chicken. Cassie Bernard of Assawoman, Virginia (yes, that's really the town's name), was in the middle of her class when the raw meat impacted her riding helmet, which conveniently doubled as a meat shield. Two additional pieces, both larger than the one that hit Bernard, fell to the ground nearby. The instructor, parents, and students who witnessed the meatfall said that the sky was clear and offered no clues as to the origin of the meat.
The first suspect was a nearby food processing plant, but the management predictably and vehemently denied that the chicken parts were theirs. Another likely candidate was a local farm, which may have failed to properly dispose of their dead chickens. Scientists did manage to agree on one point, saying that no matter where the meat had come from, high-flying seagulls were probably responsible for the bombing run. Apparently, gulls are complete assholes and do this sort of thing from time to time.
For instance, way back in March of 1876, The New York Times ran a story about a Kentucky housewife who was making soap in her yard when it literally began raining meat. Raw and apparently fresh, the meat "fell like large snowflakes" with a few larger pieces mixed in. The meatfall continued for several minutes, eventually blanketing the woman's entire yard. At that point, she decided that she really had to call someone to come check this shit out.
Several men stopped by to observe the carnage, and all bore witness that the meat was indeed stuck to the fence and scattered all over the ground. The two gentlemen who tasted some of it said that it was probably either mutton or venison.
Yeah, that's right. They ate it.
A scientist gathered and tested several samples of the meat, and while he confirmed that it was "of animal origin," he could offer no real explanation for how or why pulverized bits of it had dropped out of the sky. However, he did suggest the possibility that vultures flying overhead could have barfed up bits of their last meal, which they vomited down on the unsuspecting housewife.
And then her neighbors ate it.
"Oh, man, I cannot wait for those things to puke! Honey, get out the frying pan."