#3. Sonic the Hedgehog '06: Sonic Don't Care
Sonic the Hedgehog is famous for one thing: His physics-defying speed. He's so fast he can run complete loop-de-loops! But in Sonic '06, known in gamer circles as The Day the Hog Stood Still, Sonic shows up to the game a bit hungover, so he's just going to gently walk the loops instead.
"Tequila ... never again."
You know what? Maybe he'll just stop entirely -- still inexplicably upside down -- and just hang out for a little bit. You know: eat a burrito, catch a short nap, and try to rally later.
This game was made seven years ago, and even back then Sonic looked like he was sick of this repetitive shit. He just gave up on life sometime after Shadow The Hedgehog tried to reboot his series in the ass, and now he just phones in grand adventures at breakneck speeds like a middle-aged fast food manager.
#2. Dead Space 2's Wardrobe Malfunction
Dead Space was a breath of fresh air for the survival horror genre. Or like an empty vacuum of death for the genre -- but in a good way? Whatever floats your terror boat, horror fans. Dead Space was Cthulhu meets Event Horizon, by way of Alien. It borrowed shamelessly from other, more successful franchises, but pulled it off so well that every bend in every corridor became a new test of your manhood. Should you open that door, or should you maybe jog back to the save point for the third time, just in case? Truly, terror lurked in every part of that infested spaceship.
Even in the costume machine.
Especially in the god damn costume machine. For there, inside the virtual wardrobe, lurked the greatest terror of them all. Step in to change your outfit and meet this eldritch abomination:
It was you. You were the monster all along.
You walk into the future-closet a full man and walk out a bloody torso and piece of a leg. Even stranger, once this glitch occurs, the player doesn't just flop to the ground as a pile of loose meat. You can continue the game like this, fighting, taking damage - all while your glowing helmet floats about your bloody meat-sack like your head is doomed to haunt your own corpse. And, of course, all the while firing great gouts of arterial spray from your phantom limbs.
Take enough damage from the suspiciously unfazed enemies, and you can even die in this state -- though you would likely welcome that sweet release after the robotic changing room dismembered you and cursed you to walk all of space in a state of screaming non-life.
"I don't care about the price, just give me whatever gun will most quickly put me out of my misery."
#1. Deus Ex: Human Revolution's Sucker Punch
Deus Ex: Human Revolution let you play the game pretty much however you wanted: As a guns-blazing warrior, a peaceful hacker, or even a silent thief. And like pretty much every other modern stealth game, Deus Ex's stealth-kill system functioned by having the player sneak up behind a bad guy, then press A to flip-spin-kick-disarm-throat-punch-dim-mak the son of a bitch's organs into a steaming meat-curry.
There were a few problems with the system: For one, the same animations played out whether you stealth-killed an enemy or a civilian. So while that elite tech-ninja countering a few of your kung fu blows makes the scenario more believable, it is a slightly different effect when the unsuspecting prostitute busts out master-level Krav Maga every time you go to choke her out.
It's basically a scene from a Matrix porn parody.
For two: Insta-killing would also sometimes work on characters it wasn't supposed to, if Jensen was positioned just so when you pressed the button. In fact, an instant takedown could even be pulled off ... on the final boss of the game. It's supposed to be a huge, drawn-out, dramatic fight -- this is the showdown the whole game is leading up to, after all. Are you man enough take him, Jensen? The world depends on you! Though the battle will be epic and death is waiting in the sidelines, the whole world fights with you this da-
BOOM! You got knocked the fuck out.
Oh. So ... that was it, then?
If you trigger an instant takedown as soon as he starts vaulting a wall towards you, a player can end the last boss fight with a single, anti-climactic punch. The counter-blow that ends the fight isn't even a really bitchin' uppercut or something either -- just a little fifth-grade caliber love tap. It looks like the boss is standing up to cry and run to the nurse's office when the ending cinematically starts and you knock his ass through some plate glass. If you end the final fight in this fashion, instead of a hard-fought victory capped by a badass finishing move, the effect is more that you're picking on a mentally disabled guy who just really likes climbing.
Dustin Koski is also the author of Six Dances to End the World, a novel about a ballerina who causes glitches in the universe. If you are ever in the mood to see some bad ass retro games, or check some of the better new games coming out drop by Sever's youtube channel.
For more video game botches, check out The 8 Creepiest Glitches Hidden in Popular Video Games and 6 Glitches That Accidentally Invented Modern Gaming.
If you're pressed for time and just looking for a quick fix, then check out 3 Personal Disneylands Being Planned By Total Lunatics.