#3. What's That Noise Coming from The Trunk? AAAAHHH!
Steven Gorvett, drug addict, career criminal and opportunistic thief, was strolling through an English neighborhood when his fingers got to twitching. Sitting nearby was a car with its doors open and radio blaring, just asking -- nay, begging -- to be stolen. Steven, not being one to turn down a free quickie from Madame Opportunity, hopped straight into the car and drove away.
"Eventually, one of my terrible life choices has to pay off, right? It's just odds at this point."
Little did he know, he'd just stolen the T-1000's car.
The car actually belonged to one Mr. Keith Lovegrove, who was fixing a friend's fence when his musical accompaniment unexpectedly did a slow fade-out. Upon looking up and seeing his car rolling away, Lovegrove melded through the fence and sprinted after it.
After a few strides, Lovegrove leapt through the air and clung to his vehicle's bumper, where he was dragged for over 200 agonizing yards. If you're wondering what the hell he was thinking, well, he was thinking that his trunk was open ... and when his car hit a speed bump, Lovegrove used the momentum of the bump to somersault himself into it.
Experts are still puzzled by how he was able to squeeze testicles that enormous into the trunk of a Civic.
After flipping into the trunk, Lovegrove burst through the backseat and proceeded to grab the thief in a headlock and drag him out of the car, all while traveling at highway speeds (we assume). However, once outside the car the thief managed to anticlimactically punch him in the face and escape.
Wait, how could a hopelessly drug-addicted criminal break free of the kung fu death grip of a guy who, seconds earlier, was clinging to the bumper of a moving car like Marty McFly, except minus the skateboard and plus excruciating pain? Well, it probably had something to do with the fact that Keith Lovegrove was a 54-year-old ex-soldier at the time and officially registered as disabled. Holy shit. Just imagine what the guy was like in his prime. Never got a car (or anything else) stolen from him, for starters.
"If they tried, I'd have used the trunk in a different way."
#2. Mugger Accidentally Creates Wolverine
Taitex Phlamachha was walking home with his wife when a mugger decided to try his luck. Now we have to assume that said mugger had no idea that the man he was about to attack was named Taitex Phlamachha, because a name like that could only conceivably belong to a man who knows all the martial arts.
"I even invented a little something I like to call … Punch-Fu."
Those martial arts just so happened to be karate and taekwondo (the punchingest and kickingest ones, respectively), which gave Phlamachha the confidence to flatly tell his attacker to piss off while ignoring his many threats of facial stab wounds. In the resulting 15-minute fight, the mugger at one point had his knee firmly planted on Phlamachha's chest while he flailed wildly with the knife at his abdomen. How he failed to do fatal damage is up for debate, but we'd like to think that Phlamachha's abs were simply too toned for the mugger's knife to penetrate.
Unsurprisingly, Phlamachha eventually managed to gain the upper hand and floored the mugger with a colon-punishing kick to the body. The mugger then tried to flee, only to be stopped by two lightning-quick donkey punches from Phlamachha. "But wait," you say. "Where was the mugger's knife during all this punching and kicking?" Well ...
"And the knife bone's connected to the -- wait a minute ..."
That's a post-fight X-ray of Phlamachha's arm. The only problem is, no one knows how or when the 6-inch blade got jammed in there, because Phlamachha didn't even realize it had happened. Presumably because, as a former Gurkha, Phlamachha was trained to suck that shit up.
"I'm thinking about leaving it in there. You never know when you might need a knife."
The mugger was remanded in custody and told that he should perhaps think about pursuing a different career path, seeing as how being donkey punched with the blade of your own knife is a clear demonstration of lacking the necessary skillset to truly excel at the mugging arts.
#1. You Can't Stop the Law (Not Even with a Bullet to the Chest)
Ivan Marcano, an off-duty NYPD cop, was sitting in the car with his girlfriend when he saw two punks pistol-whipping a man in the street (stay classy, New York). Had this been a buddy cop movie, Marcano would've announced that he was too old for this shit before reluctantly cocking his gun. But unfortunately for the thugs, retirement was not even the remotest glimmer on Marcano's horizon -- because he was nowhere near too old for this shit.
Marcano told his girlfriend to call 911 and stepped out of the car. The moment he identified himself as a police officer, one of the criminals immediately turned and fired a round straight into his chest. The thugs escaped in a white Mustang with a third accomplice, leaving Marcano for dead. His girlfriend helped him back into the car and made a beeline for the nearest hospital.
Richard Harbus for nydailynews.com
All while explaining this wasn't orchestrated to avoid dinner with her parents.
Despite carrying a shooting victim, Marcano's girlfriend dutifully stopped at a nearby red light, presumably because Marcano's natural justice field overpowered her ability to commit even the most innocuous crime while in his presence. And that's when they saw it: a recently crashed white Mustang containing three men, who'd just unknowingly drawn the winningest ticket in the Most Fucked Sweepstakes.
Climbing out of the car, Marcano clamped his left hand (his dominant hand, by the way) over his bleeding chest wound and casually drew his gun with the other. Upon seeing the police officer they'd just blown away walking toward them like the friggin' Terminator, the men scrambled out of the car. Marcano ordered the people in the immediate vicinity to hit the deck before letting off two one-handed shots, taking out his shooter with a headshot.
"I'm not arresting you anymore."
The other two men, realizing that they were up against a being apparently fueled by bullet wounds and a desire to punish crime in all its forms, ran for it. Marcano actually tried to give chase before a passing ambulance pulled up and asked if he needed help. He stopped for a quick chat with the crew before climbing into the back under his own volition.
While recovering in the hospital Marcano was promoted to detective by Mayor Michael Bloomberg and Police Commissioner Raymond Kelly for his heroism and all-around awesomeness, a moment that was luckily caught on camera since it's doubtful Marcano can remember it through the painkiller haze.
Ed Reed / nydailynews.com
"I promise to do you and the rest of Starfleet proud, Captain Kirk."
For more ways real life is so much better than movies, check out The 11 Most Badass Last Words Ever Uttered and The 5 Craziest Soldiers of Fortune To Ever Cash a Paycheck.
If you're pressed for time and just looking for a quick fix, then check out 4 Hopelessly Outdated Technologies People Still Use.
And stop by LinkSTORM to learn the best way to punch a moose in the face.
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