#2. Jesus is a Talking Star
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The Revelation of the Magi is a newly translated tale of the Christmas story from the perspective of the wise men (Magi) who brought gifts to the baby Jesus. It starts off as most Christmas stories do, with a tight-fisted old grump learning the meaning of the season and Santa secretly being real all along. Also, the birth of baby Jesus triggers an astronomical anomaly that lures curious well-wishers.
Sadly, the only record is text since it happened before the invention of Russia and dash cams.
Now, in the version you know, the star was just a bright spot in the night sky, gently guiding the Magi to a stable in Bethlehem. In this apocryphal version, the star descends from the desert sky, hangs out in a "Cave of Treasures of Hidden Mysteries" and has baby arms that beckon the wise men to him.
And (something) like the hand of a small person drew near in our eyes from the pillar and the star â�¦ and we saw the star enter the Cave of Treasures and Hidden Mysteries and the cave shone beyond measure.
"And within the cave we found a blue genie who would not shut the hell up."
So the star is a little person. That person is Jesus the Pre-Born Star Child. Star Jesus tells the Wise Men his whole future -- all of it. Starting with how he's going to get born at any second now.
I will be born like a human being. And again, worship me there: Even now, as I am speaking with you, I am also there.
So even as Mary is pushing through her contractions, Star Child Jesus is off in the desert in a cave, chilling with some exotic foreigners. And can you blame him? If you were all-knowing while getting birthed, wouldn't you want to get the hell out of town?
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"Call me when you're ready for the circumcision!"
Jesus goes on to explain, like, how he's going to eventually die on a cross and tells them to take all the treasures in the cave and bring them to come meet ... himself ... again, presumably so they can to turn them over to baby Jesus when they get to Bethlehem. In this version of the Nativity, Jesus is both a star and a hustler.
The Magi then set off on their journey as the Jesustar leads them, but the star doesn't just stay in the sky in the direction that the Magi should follow. The star is literally leading them along. The star gives them food and makes it so they don't tire out. They can walk day and night because the star outshines even the sun. The star levels mountains, allows the Magi to walk on water, and ...
when we crossed into the places [of beasts and vicious snakes], we trampled them with our feet.
... walk on animals, before finally reaching their destination.
#1. Peter the Wizard-Slayer
So you're hanging out in Rome when word gets out that there's going to be a wizard battle: The forces of good are challenging the forces of evil. "Sweet!" you say, before discretely dropping a Horcrux. Before you know it the Bad Wizard proves his superior powers by flying above the city. If any of this sounds familiar, you're probably thinking of Voldemort and Dumbledore/Harry Potter, except things didn't end up nearly as awful for He Who Must Have Apnea Because He Doesn't Have a Nose.
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It's hard to take a supervillain seriously when they sound like they have a perpetual sinus cold.
Now, to pick up where we left off with Peter and Simon the magician ... Peter's given a dog a voice and resurrected a fish, so Simon knows he's got to do something huge to win back his followers. Good thing HE KNOWS HOW TO FLY. For real, Simon goes up to a high place and begins flying over Rome.
... Peter seeing the strangeness of the sight cried unto the Lord Jesus Christ: If thou suffer this man to accomplish that which he hath set about, now will all they that have believed on thee be offended, and the signs and wonders which thou hast given them through me will not be believed: Hasten thy grace, O Lord, and let him fall from the height and be disabled; and let him not die but be brought to nought, and break his leg in three places. And he fell from the height and broke his leg in three places.
Tsu Dho Nimh
And in three places his leg did break.
What the hell? First up, the guy that's not on God's side can fly. Peter can't fly, but the allegedly dark lord of magic who's leading believers astray can fly. Second up, fresh off the wisdom of "Do unto others as you'd have done to you" and "Turn the other cheek," Peter, the foundation of the Christian Church and the first pope, asks God to make this man fall to the ground and break his leg in three places. And because God is petty, he does exactly what Peter asks -- and more.
No sooner had Simon fallen to the ground and shattered his leg, than
... every man cast stones at him and went away home.
Worst flash mob ever.
That's right, Simon is writhing around on the ground in pain with a broken leg, and the crowd stones him. Simon later dies while having his leg operated on. So instead of praying for Simon to have a quick and painless death, he ends up putting Simon through the worst physical and emotional pain imaginable, which eventually leads to his death. Apparently God works prayers on genie wish rules. Peter appears to want to show Simon some mercy, and we can just picture God saying, "As you wish. Wink." Yes, we picture God as the type of person who says "Wink" when they wink.
So you can probably see why this torture porn of a gospel didn't make it into the canon.
For more awesome shit in the bible, check out The 6 Raunchiest, Most Depraved Sex Acts (From the Bible) and The 9 Most Badass Bible Verses.
If you're pressed for time and just looking for a quick fix, then check out 4 Crazy Land Claims Actually Recognized By the Government.