Cracked Round-Up: Funspiracies Edition!

There's no reason the total subjugation of the human race has to be a downer! Cracked has been contracted by the New World Order and the Not Excessively Far World Order in a new kind of media campaign. We'll be showcasing the fun side of being utterly dominated by a cryptofascist octopus of jackboots and tear gas. Watch for our new comic series- Simon the Orderly Citizen!


Our week rolled off the line with 6 A-Holes You Meet In Every Game by Luke McKinney. He was followed by Kristi Harrison's look at insane vintage cigarette ads and this guide to why you're not funny by Chris Bucholz. Soren explained why it's so hard to make Superman interesting while Diana Cook offered helpful job interview tips. John Cheese explained the warning signs that age has finally hit you before Brockway wound us down with amazing video game moments that happened by accident. Ali Reed closed off our week with the four things we should remember when arguing about politics.


GAMIMG THE GAME
The 5 Most Pathetic Abuses of Power in Sports History
Steroids damage the integrity of the game, but all this stuff is fine?


Notable Comment: "Yeah, I don't think the Ted Turner one was all that bad. Kind of dickish to compare it to little league though. The article points out that "of course" he lost the game he managed like that validates any point. Really? It was one game. A last place team lost a game, what a shocker! Obviously it was because Turner was the manager."

BillBraskie, it is our job as human beings to discourage Mr. Turner whenever possible.




BABY CRAZY
5 Terrifying Things Nobody Tells You About Newborns
We're kind of shocked our mothers were willing let us live.


Notable Comment: "What happens if you feed the baby its own milk? D:"

Rum_Pot asks the kind of questions we really don't want answered.



DIET LIES
5 Well-Known Tips for Healthy Eating That Don't Work
You may be dieting yourself right into obesity.


Notable Comment: "I like how so many commenters are like "well, my grandpa ate bacon and lard sandwiches every day of his life and lived to be 90, so clearly this is all bullshit." It's like saying "well, I know this one guy who hit the mega millions lottery, so those printed odds are clearly bullshit."

Fuck the odds, JeremyB.Smith. The dark god of numbers will reward our worship one day.



HIP DOOM
Harmless Fads That Caused Widespread Destruction
We'll do a sequel to this list in eleven years, once the link between cell phones and exploding skull gremlins is conclusively proven.


Notable Comment: "All us privileged white people today should feel guilty for our oppressive forefathers."

Ridiculous, takesteady. We know exactly what things we should feel guilty about, and most of them involve live salmon.



VIOLENT NATURE
5 Unbelievable New Ways Science Can Modify the Human Body
Eat a dick nature. We have test tubes, and stuff.


Notable Comment: "If we didn't have to breathe, and we could repair our bones, we could live on the moon."

That's correct, Jurp. And then all the rich people would move to the moon and breathing air would suddenly be "lame". They'd call you shit like "lungie" and "air-face" and we'd be forced to turn the moon into a missile dumpster.




Noah Wells
The Awkward Moment When You Notice the Quirky Girl is Insane
Do you love Jonestown?


YOU YOU YOU!
17 Famous Images as Seen From a Different Angle
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, Creative Ways to Ruin Your Graduation Ceremony, Kickstarter Campaigns From Throughout History, Insane Fan Theories in 25 Words or Less and Insane Early Versions of Famous Characters.

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