5 Insane Supervillain Schemes by Real Governments 5 Things Nobody Tells You About Breeding Endangered Animals 4 Lame Jokes You Start Telling as Soon as You Become a Dad

Cracked Round-Up: Eat a Dick, Mayans Edition

The Mayans have been more popular than ever lately, thanks almost entirely to the fact that one of their calendars was long interpreted as a prediction of the world's end. With December 21st firmly in our rear-view mirror, the mystical bullshit industry will be looking for a new cash cow. We suggest druids. They have some name recognition, but so few of their beliefs have been passed on that any suitably creative con-man can fake whatever apocalypse predictions he / she wants.

In fact, we'd like to get in on the ground floor of this. Not because we're shamelessly cashing in on the next fad, but because we truly feel called to warn our fellow men about the coming apocalypse. Which should hit on, oh, let's say October 15, 2016. Seriously, the um...Ogham stones of...Shitehenge spell this all out very clearly.


Adam Brown launched our last pre-Yuletide week with five celebrities who get more hate than they deserve (Part 3). Shit got real with David Wong's six harsh truths to make you a better person and Chris Bucholz took us to back to the realm of fantasy with five ways to actually steal Christmas. Soren Bowie wrote to his neighbors about his latest dubstep light show masterpiece while Brockway explained why the year's best video game isn't worth playing. Felix Clay elaborated on the most disturbing tween TV show universes as John Cheese cataloged hilarious abuses of video game glitches. Dan O'Brien finished our Christmas preparations with four things Hollywood gets wrong about the holidays.


HISTORIC CINEMA
5 Dirty Jokes in Modern Movies That Are Older Than Film
Filth is timeless.


Notable Comment: "I'm a classics major, and it is really delightful to read some of the things ancient Greeks or ancient Romans wrote about. They had dick jokes, yo mama jokes, fart jokes, poop jokes....you name it, they got it. It truly was the height of civilization"

Either that, Inventrix, or they were at roughly the same low point we are.




IDIOTOLOGICAL
6 Mind-Blowing Archeological Discoveries Destroyed by Idiocy
Because nothing is so beautiful or ancient that some some assholes wouldn't destroy it to make room for a discount furniture outlet.


Notable Comment: "ffs even Chinese graveyards have IKEA's and still nothing in St. Louis..."

Worry not, jealousblues. You'll have one as soon as those Swedes get a permit to bulldoze the Cahokian mounds.



MOVIE MISSTEPS
6 Terrible Plans in Movies That Just Sort of Work Out
Screenwriters get paid to put good lines in Samuel L. Jackson's mouth, not to think things through.


Notable Comment: "Captain America's disregard for "logic" and "planning" is what make his movies so great. Have you seen the Captain Canada movie? ugh, that guy is the worst. He spent the first half of the movie negotiating a ceasefire, and the other half distributing food to refugees. Lame."

JT_728 is right about Captain Canada, but he's done a decent job of convincing us a Captain Mexico movie would be awesome.



CARTOON FUTURE
5 Ways Inspector Gadget Totally Predicted The Future
Du-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh, Inspector Prophet!


Notable Comment: "I don't own any f*****g Apple shit. I have a s****y phone and a s****y mp3 player, but neither of them has broken in the 2 years I've had the phone and the 5 or 6 I've had the mp3 player."

But...they suck, KyraAnne? Why are you bragging about this?



STUPID WAR
The 6 Most Embarrassing War Stories of All Time
War isn't all wholesale slaughter and devastation. Sometimes things go full stooge.


Notable Comment: "Mistaking an Italian island for a Libyan submarine isn't all that bad. Once I took a dump in the wrong neighbor's yard."

Johnny!!!! understands the fundamentally imperfect nature of man.





CRACKED Staff
The Embarrassing Aftermath of the Mayan Apocalypse
Let's be honest: we all killed a few hobos last night. Right?


YOU YOU YOU!
23 Mind-Blowing True Facts About Money
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, The Most Viral Photos of the Upcoming Year, If Famous Movie Casts Were Replaced by Animals, Disastrous First Drafts of Famous Quotes and Shocking New Year's Resolutions of Famous People
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