3Using Baby Foreskins to Treat Skin Ulcers
A study conducted by researchers from the University of Miami recently demonstrated the effectiveness of a new form of "spray-on skin" treatment for leg ulcers that contains a protein-clotting solution mixed with skin cells from babies' foreskins. Some quick definitions for you before we continue -- an "ulcer" is an open sore prone to hideous infection, and "a baby's foreskin" is the tiny hood-flap of an infant's penis. So, "spraying infant penises onto oozing leg wounds" is where we have arrived. You may read on.
WE FUCKING SAID READ ON, PUSSY!
The spray is made up of cells normally found in skin and connective tissue, but of course the reason we're talking about them is the fact that they were grown from samples of newborn foreskins, although how or why this particular procedure was conceived and developed is best left to the darkest corners of our screaming imagination. The best case scenario that is a hobo with oozing leg sores kicked a nude baby in the crotch and found that the activity had magical healing powers.
"And that's how my nickname changed from 'Jeff Legsores' to 'Chad Babypunter.'"
The study involved 228 adults with skin ulcers and concluded that the refreshing application of baby-dick spray once every two weeks (in addition to compression bandages, which help stop the wounds from bleeding and are a standard part of skin ulcer treatment) could actually heal the ulcers without the need of skin grafts. In addition, the spray could also treat people whose skin doesn't respond to the more conventional (read: less infant-genital-centric) methods. So in summation, you can mist an aggressive skin sore with liquefied baby wing-wangs to keep your leg from rotting off. Hooray for science.
2Taking Tylenol to Heal Emotional Pain
Everyone at some point experiences what's referred to as social pain (bullying, rejection, debilitating awkwardness, etc.) that leaves them feeling crushingly vulnerable. Granted, it's often not the type of thing that's severe enough to need a huge dose of antidepressants, so you wind up just locking yourself in your room and listening to some angry music for the rest of the night. It's not like you can go to your medicine cabinet and swallow a pill for your hurt feelings, right?
Wrong, jerkloser. It turns out there's a pill you can take for the pains of social failure, and it's been right in front of our picked-last-for-kickball faces this whole time. The wonder drug in question is standard, over the counter, any-asshat-can-buy-it Tylenol.
"I am so pissed off right now. Hand me a razor blade and a straw."
In 2009, a research team at the University of Kentucky conducted two experiments to see whether acetaminophen (the active ingredient in Tylenol and other over-the-counter pain relievers) could be used to treat psychological pain as well as physical. In the first experiment, a group of 62 volunteers were given either 1,000 milligrams of acetaminophen or a placebo and were then asked to provide daily reports on the amount of social pain they'd suffered by making notations on the "Hurt Feelings Scale." The level of social pain steadily decreased over time in the group taking the actual drug, whereas the control group experienced no change whatsoever.
The second experiment gathered a smaller group of volunteers, again split into treatment and control groups, with the treatment group receiving twice the dose of acetaminophen from the previous experiment. Both groups were then made to play a computer game that simulated feelings of social rejection (like a version of The Sims where your character does nothing but sit in an empty house and stare at the telephone). MRI scans of their brains were taken during the course of the game, which we assume did nothing but enhance everyone's comfort level.
"It looks like he may be immune. Let's put him on World of Warcraft."
As the experiment went on, the areas of the brain associated with pain (both psychological/social and physical) lit up like a barren, giftless Christmas tree for the placebo group. However, those same areas remained politely Zen in the acetaminophen-treated group -- their experience of emotional pain had been dulled to the level of robots and serial killers (not mutually exclusive). Keep in mind, physical and social pain activate the same brain regions -- when Surly Jim calls you "dickpigeon" in homeroom, your brain processes it in the exact same way as when Surly Jim punches you in the stomach (and then calls you "dickpigeon").
The researchers concluded that drugs such as Tylenol, typically prescribed as painkillers, could just as effectively be used to combat abstract pain like loneliness and embarrassment, in addition to treating headaches and punches in the face.
"If we'd sneaked Tylenol into his cereal, maybe Jeff would be alive today ..."