6 Insane Disney Comics You Won't Believe Are Real

Is it unfair to judge old cartoons by the standards of the 21st century? Probably. Is it still amazing to see that there was a time when Disney had no problem depicting Mickey Mouse getting venereal diseases and attempting shotgun suicide? You bet!

All of the below comics are real and unaltered.

#6. Mickey Mouse Versus Gonorrhea

Photos.com

Comics can be a great educational tool, but we'd like to think there's a spectrum of possibilities that lie between "Let's make a public service announcement about disease" and "Let's give Mickey Mouse an STD." Yet, the April 4, 1944 issue of LOOK magazine contained an educational comic about the benefits of sulfa drugs, the first line of antibiotics ever used to treat bacteria -- and who better to explain to the population that gonorrhea is now easily curable than everyone's favorite cartoon mascot?

Via Cartoonbrew.com
"I can help you with the clap, Mickey, but I'm afraid the herpes is here to stay."

We get that they wanted to teach as many people as possible about the new drugs, but perhaps Popeye would have been a better fit for this sort of thing. In order to tell the story of the creation of sulfa drugs in a simple, friendly manner, the comic starts by showing Dr. Mickey Mouse testing the new compounds on mice. Wait, uh, what's Mickey's last name again?

Via Cartoonbrew.com
Is it Judas?

Yeah, this comic is packed with baffling decisions -- it also depicts the effects of a disease on the organism by showing a microscopic race war being raged inside your body, complete with gangs of bacteria stabbing red blood cells to death in a miniature re-enactment of West Side Story.

Via Cartoonbrew.com
Yes, "blitzkrieg" was absolutely the best word to use in this context and period in time.

Finally, Mickey illustrates the consequences of overindulgence by downing an entire bottle of sulfa drugs, after which he's shown either tripping balls or facing imminent death. Possibly both.

Via Cartoonbrew.com
"Oh God, mops! And they have arms and legs!"

So, why did Mickey need to take the gonorrhea drug, again? Has someone been spending time inside Clarabelle Cow's stable? Dammit, Mickey, stop being a douchebag and buy some fucking condoms. But hey, maybe we shouldn't be surprised. Clearly Disney relationships aren't as chaste as we might once have believed. For instance ...

#5. Uncle Scrooge, Sexual Powerhouse

Getty

Scrooge McDuck, despite being nothing but an older, greedier, meaner version of his nephew Donald, has been the subject of countless comics and animated adventures over the years. There's one story DuckTales didn't tell you, though: the one about the time when Scrooge spent an entire month doing it with his kidnapped sex slave.

Via "The Life and Times of Scrooge McDuck"
You may want to reread our article about duck penises to fully appreciate this story.

In a 1953 comic, Scrooge remembers the time when he traveled to the Yukon to search for gold and got scammed by a barmaid named Goldie. Scrooge then tracked down Goldie and forced her to work with him for a month to make up for the gold he lost.

Via Gomicbookresources.com
One guess as to what "supper" was.

But what exactly happened between Goldie and Scrooge during that solitary month in the middle of nowhere? Apparently fans demanded to know all the nasty details, so a later story went back and showed three lawmen coming to rescue Goldie, only to come across this haunting scene:

Via "The Life and Times of Scrooge McDuck"
"Is that ... a Barry White album playing?"

Yeah, there's clearly duck sex going on in there. The younger lawmen still think Goldie might be in trouble, but the older one, being more experienced in the ways of the world, instantly understands what's happening and explains that there's nothing illegal in two consenting ducks vigorously ducking the shit out of each other.

Via "The Life and Times of Scrooge McDuck"
Ah, so pants do exist in this universe. Donald and family are just pervs.

The next morning, Scrooge sends Goldie on her way and tries to pay her for her "services," which goes over about as well as you'd expect:

Via "The Life and Times of Scrooge McDuck"
Yeah, we bet you did.

Not definitive enough for you? Well, we've told you about the Donald Duck story that inspired Inception, in which the Beagle Boys enter Scrooge's dreams and Donald follows them. Guess who they find inside Scrooge's mind, exuding the universal body language for "remembering a great corkscrewin'"?

Via "The Dream of a Lifetime"
"Wait, why's Daisy here, too? And is that Launchpad McQuack?"

#4. Mickey Mouse Tries to Commit Suicide (Repeatedly)

Photos.com

Picture this: It's October 1930, the Great Depression is in full swing, and you desperately need something to take your mind off the fact that the world is objectively getting shittier all around you. You can't afford to go to the movies, obviously, so you deprive yourself of your next five meals by spending 25 cents on a newspaper just so you can cheer yourself up by reading the latest Mickey Mouse comic strip. And then, in the last few panels of what otherwise seemed like a normal joke, you see this:

Via io9.com
"Life is a prison cell and death is the key, children! Haw-haw!"

That's it. That's the punchline of the comic. Mickey reaching for a shotgun to end it all.

Yes, this strip is real, and no, this wasn't an example of a cheeky Disney employee managing to slip one by the boss -- this story was suggested by Walt Disney himself, who had seen a similar gag in a 1920 silent film and was known for never letting a joke go to waste. Since the comic strip was already doing a storyline where a con man steals Minnie's affections, Disney's idea was that Mickey becomes so dejected over the breakup that he spends the next week trying and failing to kill himself. So, over the next few days, Mickey tries every suicide method he can think of, from jumping off a bridge ...

Via Comicbookresources.com
He suffered a serious head injury, and every cartoon since has been the fevered hallucination of a dying mind.

To opening the gas and lying down on his bed, waiting for death's sweet release.

Via Comicbookresources.com
Hey, didn't they reuse this gag in the latest season of Mad Men?

Of course, all these strips end with Mickey's suicidal efforts being foiled by something or him getting cold feet and putting it off for another day. Eventually he comes to his senses when he's preparing to hang himself on a tree and realizes he's surrounded by adorable forest critters.

Via Comicbookresources.com
"Who needs Minnie when I've just discovered auto-erotic asphyxiation?"

Apparently no one was worried about kids trying to follow the Mouse into the abyss, since editors and the newspaper syndicate raised nary an objection. We don't know what happened in the storyline next, but we're assuming that Mickey took that shotgun to the fucker who stole Minnie and shoved it up his ass.

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