#2. The Gilmore Girls Get Spanked by Boner-Sporting Santa
The Gilmore Girls, if you never watched the show, followed young Rory Gilmore and her single mother, Lorelai, as they learned, loved, and were molested by Santa Claus, apparently.
Or at least that's what New Christmas Tradition for the Gilmores tells us. It's Christmas Eve in the Gilmore household, and Rory is preparing to go to bed when Santa shows up and, without explanation, begins spanking her mercilessly:
She found herself in the presence of Santa in her upstairs bedroom and smiled, but Rory was pulled over Santa's lap while she yelled you wouldn't dare.
St. Nick didn't give a care that Rory thought this was unfair.
"Ho-ho-ho, Merry Rapesmas!"
Note that Rory doesn't seem at all surprised to learn of the existence of Santa -- she was only shocked when he revealed himself to be a perv, which suggests that in this world everyone knows that Santa is real, but his little hobby is kept secret and possibly covered up by the likes of the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. Anyway, Rory tries to resist, but Santa's lust will not be denied. At one point, the narrator says that "Rory felt Santa's middle sticking," which is a subtle way of saying "He had a massive boner."
"Zip" Rory's jean zipper was lowered embarrassingly; helplessly Santa lifted her hips.
As Santa tugged and pulled until her snug jeans were lowered to her knees as Rory sounded her plea.
Rory's green panties displayed her butt crack,
as she saw her bare bottom in a large mirror size plaque.
Yeah, the whole thing is written entirely in the form of a prose poem, because really, what other format could give us beautiful imagery like this?
As opposed to the actual show, which was written entirely in the form of whimsical one-liners.
Her breathtaking spank spot was glowing bright red with blisters
like fields of white sugar plums all aflame on her bum.
A rump a-pa pum bum, drummed its cadence into her burning bum.
That's right, they rhymed "bum" with "bum" twice. We had to check to make sure we weren't reading T.S. Eliot.
Where It Gets Really Creepy:
Whatever shred of dignity may have remained here is destroyed when Rory farts on Santa's face:
When suddenly Rory got an eggnog, candy cane coffee induced cramp in her gut.
She reared up her butt and blew a put splut.
Santa was startled by the young woman's fart.
and doubled the swat for the unladylike plop.
"You were right, 'Yuletide Burritos' were a terrible idea."
Good luck taking your kids to see Santa at the mall without picturing that scene. Santa then ties the pantsless Rory to her bed, but sadly, we don't find out what his plans for her were, because the author of this story only finished one chapter. Write your own ending! Then never show it to us.
#1. Santa Reunites Harry Potter and His Dead Pedophile Lover
Harry Potter has been thrust into so many uncomfortable pairings by fan fiction writers that we're not even surprised by these stories anymore. Harry teams up with Batman? There are a bunch of those. Harry and Obama? Yep. The story Come Christmas Morning, however, is a real holiday miracle because it proves that our ability to be shocked by the Internet isn't completely broken yet.
The story, set in the future, begins with Harry's twin 4-year-old daughters sending a letter to Santa where they ask for their father's true love to be returned to life. Who are they talking about? Why, it's none other than the late Professor Severus Snape, the borderline sociopathic teacher who 90 percent of all non-Harry Potter readers assume to be the villain of the series.
SPOILER: He isn't really evil, just a child fucker.
And so, on Christmas morning, Harry finds a living Snape unceremoniously dumped on his doorstep by Santa Claus, apparently a necromancer as well as a toymaker. Although Harry is an adult now, the story explains that he and Snape hooked up while he was still a young student, carefully weaving their romance around the last book's events:
They had gotten together in the middle of Harry's six year with the help of their friends and family. The teachers had approved after many promises of no favoritism and the headmaster had congratulated them with a mad twinkle in his eyes.
Yeah, because that's the only problem here. Teacher favoritism. Anyway, Harry and zombie Snape soon get reacquainted and start getting hot and heavy:
The hands around his hips grew more confident as they moved sensually down to his arse. Harry couldn't help the moan that was lost into Severus' mouth. The fingers squeezed him as that tongue dueled with his, exploring every part of his mouth. They did not break apart until the need for air had left them gasping and lightheaded.
"Ten points to Gryffindor."
Where It Gets Really Creepy:
Now, we know what you're thinking. "If Snape was Harry's only love, where did his daughters come from? Also, where did this boner in my lap come from?" Only you can answer the second question, but the story explains the first plot hole. Snape and Harry made love once before Snape died and, well, accidents happen:
The twins, Eileen and Lyly, were born eight minutes apart with Eileen being the oldest. When Severus died, Harry had been six weeks pregnant.
Yes, Snape knocked Harry up. No, Harry isn't a girl in this story. So, are you imagining Daniel Radcliffe being sodomized by Alan Rickman and then giving birth to his children? You are now! Merry Christmas!
God bless us, every one!
You can read more from Mark, including his My Little Pony fan fiction, at his personal website.
For more ridiculous fan-fics, check out The 5 Most Baffling Sex Scenes in the History of Fan Fiction and 5 Fan Fiction Sex Scenes You Won't Believe Exist.