6 Hilarious Old-Timey Versions of Modern Vices The 5 Worst Things About Getting a Job in a Small Town The 6 Most Undeserving Lottery Winners in History

Cracked Round-Up: Write For Us, You Bastards Edition

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The choice is yours. But if you choose wrong it's possible that all women will shun you and your dreams will turn to ash in your mouth. Just a friendly warning / ancient Goetic curse.


The holiday season has some of our columnists taking a more somber look at the world. Soren Bowie gave the Internet some straight-talk with his harsh condemnation of the sociopath behind the 'Friday' and 'Thanksgiving' music videos. Adam Brown followed up with a dose of reality, for those of you who get nostalgic over terrible things. Gladstone inspired us with genius works created by accident while Kristi collected retro ads just gushing with sexual innuendo. John Cheese closed us out on a festive note, with the five things he's secretly thankful for this Thanksgiving.



MOOD ELEVATOR
5 Inspiring True Stories for Anyone Feeling Cynical Today
Most anti-depressants have unpleasant side-effects, so try this article instead.


Notable Comment: "Good men like Mr. Rogers are so hot to me. Total turn on. I want to f**k him so bad. Is that wrong?"

This post by sandyw239 has convinced us that Mr. Rogers fetish fiction must exist on the Internet. Somehow, we just can't force ourselves to look for it.



SAD ENDINGS
6 Happy Movie Endings That Actually Ruin The Hero's Life
Screenwriters don't really have to think about what happens ten minutes or ten weeks after the movie ends. Thankfully, we're here to do that job for them.


Notable Comment: "If only Bruce had some sort of device that could erase him from all databases. A Blank Slate if you will that he could use in order to remove his face from all online media. Like the one he was literally holding in his hand when he was bargaining with Catwoman..."

Yeah Gaffit, because a device suddenly wiping all traces of a famous celebrity off the Internet wouldn't set off alarm bells anywhere or be noticed by anyone.



ROAD RULES
6 Little Known Driving Tips That Could Save Your Life
Read this article before you get behind the wheel again. Or, better yet, read it while you're driving. That's much safer.


Notable Comment: "The thing about driving is it turns everybody into an asshole."

Cornwallace, isn't that a wildly optimistic attitude towards mankind?



HIDDEN AGENDAS
6 Popular Songs You Didn't Know Have Dark Hidden Messages
One man's folk music is another man's violent political propaganda.


Notable Comment: "(3) It's sad, but all I really know about the Cuban missile crisis I learned from X-Men: First Class."

Above: pantherkatz, being everything that is wrong with America today.



HARD EATS
The 6 Manliest Ways People Still Hunt Food
Just in case you weren't feeling inadequate enough today.


Notable Comment: "See, this is why I only purchase Fair Trade Nepalese honey; the mass produced honey doesn't have the same quality added by the screams of agony."

CorruptUser knows that terrible pain is the surest road to flavor country.





CRACKED Staff
Why There Aren't More Thanksgiving Comedies
The pilgrims came here and...genocide!


YOU YOU YOU!
22 Unseen Repercussions of the James Bond Universe
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, If The Next Movie Sequel Switched Genres, The Bizarre Secret Behind Celebrity Careers, The Most Amazing / Inspiring Real Statistics and Emails / Inboxes That Shed New Light on Famous Scandals
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