#2. A Middle School Stages a Brutal Murder in Front of Its Students
We'll let you decide if the following is grossly irresponsible or impossibly awesome: To help kids develop critical-thinking skills, the faculty at the U.K.'s Blackminister School decided to surprise them by staging the murder of a teacher in front of the entire student body so that they could apply what they'd learned to gather evidence and solve the mystery. We don't mean they did it like a fun "Let's solve a mystery like on TV!" exercise -- we mean the unsuspecting children were brought out to the playground under the pretense that they would be taking part in a science lesson, and while waiting for the lesson to begin, an armed maniac came tumbling out of the woods like a meth-addled Sugar Bear and cut their teacher down with pistol fire.
Several other teachers ran to the downed man's aid and tried unsuccessfully to revive him while the horror-stricken children looked on. The assailant then ran into the school and proceeded to destroy the chemistry lab, because if there is one thing psychotic gunmen hate, it's science.
"I'm gonna rape the microscopes next."
After almost ten full minutes of hysterically weeping children, everyone was finally led into the school gym and told that "the shooting" was actually a scripted mystery that was now in their hands to solve, sort of like those old "Who Stole Bart's Butterfinger?" ads, only with more gunshot blasts and less candy. The supposedly murdered teacher was fine, and the science lab was still intact. The only things that had actually been harmed were the hundreds of schoolchildren. Some were having vomiting panic attacks, others were acting as impromptu grief counselors for their classmates, and several took to the school's Facebook page (because a Facebook page is totally something that a grade school needs to have) to vent their feelings over the day's events, although judging by the following posted comment, parading a fake murder in front of 11- and 12-year-olds is perhaps not the biggest flaw in Blackminister's curriculum:
"Most of us were soo scared we was cryin!! it was horrible but its gd tht they sed sorry."
The principal responded with the most half-assed apology in the history of the universe, claiming that the students had simply overreacted to watching a man be suddenly shot to death. He pointed out that the only reason for all the fuss was that the "victim" was one of the most well-liked teachers in the school. He then uttered this showstopper verbatim:
"I don't think there would have been as much concern if it was one or two of the others."
That's right -- this man literally said that one or two other teachers could have been murdered in front of the students he is responsible for, and the kids probably wouldn't have given a shit. Because those teachers suck.
CATERS via The Telegraph
The sheer quantity of irony in this picture influences the tides.
#1. A Cop Tasers a 10-Year-Old Boy on Career Day
When Christopher Webb of the Albuquerque Police Department came to talk to the children of a local elementary school on Career Day about his awesome job as an ass-kicking traffic cop, his well of material about expired tags and mountains of paperwork quickly ran dry. So he asked the kids if they'd like to wash his cruiser instead.
"And after that, you get to dig me a septic tank to ... build character ... or something."
While several boys agreed, probably lured by the possibility of finding a bloodstain or a condom full of drugs somewhere in the backseat, one emphatically declined Webb's generous offer. So Webb, demonstrating the wisdom and restraint of both a duly appointed peace officer and a rational adult, drew his Taser and said, "Let me show you what happens to people who do not listen to the police." He then shot the 10-year-old in the chest, leaving the barbs in for the full five-second shock of the expended cartridge.
The boy collapsed and lost consciousness, possibly due to the 50,000 volts of electricity pulsing through his still-too-small-for-most-roller-coasters frame. Realizing that Career Day had just taken a turn for the worse (and that he must have broken a law of some kind), Officer Webb heroically applied precisely none of his emergency responder training and instead carried the boy to the principal's office and left, presumably wearing a fake mustache and sunglasses for the rest of the day to avoid both detection and getting yelled at.
But not before covering his bases.
The officer got a whopping three-day suspension for the incident (he insists that the Taser went off by accident), and as you can imagine, the family has filed a lawsuit.
For more lessons that got waaaay out of hand, check out The 6 Most Horrific Lessons Ever Taught in Elementary School. Or learn about The 10 Most Important Things They Didn't Teach You In School.