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8 Cheap Ways to Fake Being a Pro Chef

Most cookbooks spend so much time telling you how many ridiculous tools and accessories you need ("Every chef should have two high-end potato peelers, one for your average potatoes, and another for the potatoes you just don't trust") that they barely leave any room for the actual cooking. That's like picking up a book on casual cycling that starts with "Want to see if you like cycling? Fantastic! Before we get started, go buy a custom-fitted carbon fiber road bike, then pick out your uniform and competition clip-in shoes, go to Lance Armstrong's house, leave a bag of (expensive) flaming soup on his doorstep ..." You'd close the book, precisely as I did with cookbooks my entire life. It had to be simpler. I mean, calculus is simpler.

So, while working on my book (The 4-Hour Chef, currently available wherever you keep your Internet), I sought out the people who do the most with the least: chefs like Jehangir Mehta of Graffiti in New York City, which has a broom-closet-size kitchen; food-truck operators; and caterers, who need to build a new kitchen at each gig. What are the lightweight and low-cost tools that serve as their Swiss Army knives? Even if you're starting from zero (perhaps especially so), here is the ultimate list of insider tools ...

#8. Lint-Free Surgical Huck Towels

Amazon.com
$8.50 for 12

Forget about oven mitts and pot holders. You know who uses those? Your grandma, who is a very nice lady and a fine cook, but she probably never read this article when she was learning to cook (exceptions: grandma time travelers). Why use the frilly trinkets of an average cook when you can use what the pros use? The pros use folded towels for just about everything, and using them will teach you more than your grandma ever did.

Getty
"You're a chef, dammit. Folded towels are the only family you need now."

How do you tell the veterans from the noobs? The former have a neatly stacked pile of cooking towels, crisply folded at the edges and tucked into their aprons. The latter have sloppy messes pushed through string. In a world of high-speed repetitive action, the little things are the big things. Suffice it to say, if you grab something hot with a single layer of a damp towel, your hands will be seared like strip steak. (Not to worry: It's easy to avoid.)

You won't find the little blue towels that the pros use in any kitchen or restaurant supply store, but you can easily find them online by searching for "lint-free surgical towels." Order a dozen from Amazon to start. If you want something close, but -- in my opinion -- inferior, the long, narrow IKEA towels with red stripes will suffice. If you do go to IKEA, get those meatballs in their food court, but only after you've purchased the towels. You're gonna need them to wipe all the shit off your face. Goddamn, Scandinavians know their meatballs. Italians, what happened? Amirite? Italians?

IKEA
The TEKLA, seen here being substantially more durable than a BILLY bookshelf.

#7. Zena Swiss Star Peeler, or Kuhn Rikon Original Swiss Peeler

Amazon.com and Amazon.com
$7 to $8

Joe Ades (may he rest in peace) made a fortune selling $5 Swiss-made peelers in New York City's Union Square. He was so good at it, he taught his daughter the art of the pitch, and she used it to put herself through Columbia University by selling children's books on the street.

Dmadeo
Without Joe's daily demos, New York wouldn't have half as many rats as it does today.

The Zena Swiss may be the original, but the Kuhn Rikon version is cheaper and easier to clean. The latter was one of two items (the other a Microplane) an executive chef recommended when asked, "What do professionals use all the time that home cooks don't?"

No one likes peeling, and this gadget makes it a cinch. They're three for $11. Don't need three peelers? Boom, you've got Christmas presents for your two most potato-friendly buddies. For $11.

Amazon.com
Buy a couple bags of potatoes to go along with 'em and your holiday shopping is done.

Even a cheap-ass bastard can afford these bad boys. Ante up and you'll use them forever.

#6. OXO Locking Tongs and Kuhn Rikon Slotted Spatula (Peltex)

Amazon.com and Amazon.com
$10.31 for the tongs; $17.25 for the spatula

Chefs are exacting, precise, delicate creatures when it comes to food prep. For instance, they don't pierce their meat like some sort of kitchen Hunger Games savages, spilling all the juices that should remain inside. To avoid that, you'll need OXO Good Grips Locking Tongs and the Kuhn Rikon SoftEdge Slotted 12-Inch Spatula (Peltex).

Tongs with tips that don't scratch, like the OXO nylon-tipped tongs, will be the easiest to use. Real chefs end up using a "Peltex," which is a brand name, but generically refers to a slotted fish turner. The better the cook, the fewer tools required. Only posers own more equipment than they can use. (See: Taylor, Tim "Tool Man.") If you ever walk into a man's kitchen and he says he's figured out how to prepare and cook every meal with just a single spoon and some salt, congratulations, you've just found the greatest living chef.

The best is the Kuhn Rikon Peltex, as it has silicone edges and can also effectively replace silicone spatulas. Don't waste money. Grandma would slap you with one of her stupid pot holders.

Getty
"I'mma choke you to death, mothafucka."

#5. Grapefruit Seed Extract

Amazon.com
$9.45

Grapefruit seed extract (GSE) is perfect for disinfecting heavier jobs, especially if you're cooking with a lot of chicken. A component of GSE, naringenin, is a potent antiviral and antibacterial agent; it also extends the effect of caffeine (see The 4-Hour Body). Add in hesperidin, also in GSE, and you can reduce everything from hepatitis C and E. coli to methicillin-resistant staph bacteria. If something tastes off, put a few drops of this in water and down the hatch it goes. This one guy said it made his dick bigger, and this other chick said it made everyone's dick bigger.

While traveling in India, this is how I prevented myself from dying. Street food? Enjoy it, but bring an insurance policy: GSE. If not, take photos of yourself in the Third World ER. I've been there. Highly overrated. Ganges River water makes horrible IV fluid.

Getty
It's a pretty decent combination national bath/toilet, though.

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