5 Reasons George Washington Was Either Lucky or a Wizard

#2. He Controlled the Weather?


We just touched on this briefly, but Washington's weather-related luck actually came up a lot. In August of 1776, America had declared itself a nation, and the first major battle of the Revolutionary War was underway. George Washington didn't have nearly as many men as the British, and that's before you take into account how many were ill or unprepared. Washington set up shop at a Manhattan harbor and waited for the British there, knowing that the harbor would be important. When the British did arrive, Washington got his ass spanked, as he was wont to do.

And then British Army Commander in Chief William Howe decided to stop attacking Washington's troops, even though they were basically stranded and Howe had a giant ship with lots of firepower. Just fucking because. Because George Washington was 70 percent leprechaun.

The Washington family crest.

Washington, meanwhile, fed spies bad information to make the British believe that he was asking for reinforcements, when really he sent for every ship and boat in the area to enable the entire army to retreat. Obviously all of the boats coming would most likely clue Howe in to some general happenings, but this is George Washington we're talking about, so he saw no flaw in the plan.

Because Washington was destined to win the war and be president, it began to pour rain so hard that Howe wasn't able to see the boats or the men packing up camp. By dawn, most of the troops had sailed off for Manhattan, and to make sure the rest of the troops joined them, Washington let his pupils go all white and flew up into the sky with lightning shooting out his fingertips. What happened is described as a dense, providential fog settling over the land, allowing the rest of the men to evacuate unseen. By the time the fog lifted and Howe saw the men sailing away, it was too late to try and catch them.

"I'm sure this won't come back to bite me in the ass."

#1. He Was Magic (Part 1 of 234-Part Series)


Washington's crossing of the Delaware and subsequent Christmas conquering of the Hessian enemies is famous by now, but what a lot of people might not know is just how ass-backwardsly Washington stumbled into victory.

Washington's plan, of course, was to sail across the Delaware on December 24 and attack on Christmas. When Washington's men sailed out, a British sympathizer saw the men and sent a servant to deliver a warning message. The note actually got to Colonel Johann Rall, the leader of the Hessian men, who promptly put the note in his pocket instead of reading it and continued playing cards and drinking. We haven't been in a lot of wars, but we're pretty sure that "reading urgent notes regarding the whereabouts of your enemies" is probably one of the first things they teach you to know (assuming you needed to even be taught that). Maybe Rall skipped that day of army training, or maybe the part of his brain that deals with reason is made of poop, or maybe George Washington is just cosmically, unfairly, inexplicably lucky. Whatever the reason, Rall never read the note.

"Not now, I've got the captain down to his boxers!"

Or, not never. Rall eventually read it the next day, after he had been forced to surrender.

For more presidents who were probably terminators, check out Abraham Lincoln: Portrait of a Crazy Badass and How to Fight Andrew Jackson: The Deadliest President Ever.

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