#2. Ukraine Keeps Statues Clean by Getting Pigeons Drunk
The Ridiculous Problem:
There is a Ukrainian city called Sumy that is famous for its statue of one Taras Shevchenko, a renaissance man who was essentially Ukraine's version of Leonardo da Vinci. The statue is extremely popular and features prominently in the city's annual founding day celebrations. There's only one problem: It's not popular with humans alone.
As is the fate of all statues everywhere, the Shevchenko one is constantly plagued by pigeons that see it as a handy meeting point/toilet combination. Sometimes, poor old Shevchenko can barely be seen under all the bird poop.
"Sounds about right. It happened pretty much nonstop when I was alive, too."
So, here's the situation: City Day is around the corner. You're the mayor of Sumy and you absolutely must stop those pesky winged rats from pooping all over your national hero. Shooting them seems like overkill, and everyone knows that bird wires and nets are for pussies. What would be the most insane way of solving this dilemma? Hiring the Pied Piper? Buying scarecrow costumes for everyone?
Ha, no! That's amateur stuff. You're a professional -- of course you want to get those birds drunk.
Just don't get drunk with those freeloading shitwagons.
Seriously, that's the mayor's suggestion. Pulling a page out of the Horrible Person's Dating Handbook, he wants to soak a bunch of bread in wine and feed it to the pigeons. According to this cunning plan, when the birds were somewhere between the fifth chorus of "The Wild Rover" and passing out, the town's officials would then collect them and relocate them to a place where they'd have serious trouble finding their way back. This would not only liberate Shevchenko's statue from a lifetime covering of crap, but also offer the birds valuable insight into what the average Friday night in Ukraine is like.
When confronted with the fact that his plan might be violating roughly all of the animal rights, the mayor countered by citing a story about a suspiciously unnamed monastery that has totally used the technique for hundreds of years without a problem.
"Will you just shut up and blindly follow my teachings already?"
Tragically, English-speaking history doesn't tell us whether the town ever actually followed through with the plan. We're forced to imagine that they did, and something went awry, and a couple of days later, an extremely hung-over mayor woke up in the middle of a forest with a flock of equally delirious pigeons, only to embark on a wacky adventure together.
Are you listening, Hollywood? We're giving you that one for free.
#1. Chinese Company Solves Horrible Working Conditions ... With Nets to Catch Suicide Jumpers
The Ridiculous Problem:
Imagine you're a factory worker in China. Chances are you can imagine a certain amount of job suckage from that sentence alone: crappy wages, ridiculously long working hours, sketchy safety precautions, etc. What you probably can't imagine, however, is the strain that all that's going to put on your mental health.
"How long until our benefits kick in?"
Take Foxconn, the Chinese company that manufactures iPhones and other luxury gadgets for export. The work hours, fumes and constant interaction with hazardous materials proved less than healthy for many of their workers, to the point where they started spending their rare breaks doing something more productive than work: jumping off the roof of the factory building en masse.
Well, threatening to do so, anyway. In January 2012, a whopping 150 of the factory's workers decided that they'd had enough and climbed to the roof in protest of their horrible working conditions (and also some previous, actual suicides). They spent a full two days on the roof, drawing all sorts of national and international attention. Finally, Foxconn had no choice but to coax the workers down by promising that something would be done. Indeed, something was.
Nets. They put up nets. Fucking employee-catching goddamn nets.
Congratulations, Foxconn. looks like you really one-upped those silly humans.
In a massive, deliberate misunderstanding of everything about the whole situation, Foxconn gleefully went about their business as usual, with just one minor modification: They installed massive circus-acrobat-style safety nets on their facilities so that no one could pull a stunt like that on them again.
Sure, they also gave their employees a 20 percent raise (thus raising a 286-hours-a-month worker's daily wages to a hefty $1.20). Still, judging by their track record, presumably there's a clause that enables the supervisors to drop random employees into the nets and poke them with sticks.
For more insanity that might've just been a little sane, check out 6 Insane Last Resort Surgeries That Actually Worked and 5 Absurd Solutions to Huge Problems (That Actually Worked).
If you're pressed for time and just looking for a quick fix, then check out 3 Ways the 'War on Christmas' Is Way Older Than You Think.
And stop by LinkSTORMbecause the world is going to end anyway (we think).
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