6 Terrible Plans in Movies That Just Sort of Work Out

#3. Children of Men -- The Activists Shoot Up a Car With Their Last Hope Inside

In 2027, women can no longer have children, England is a militarized police state and humanity is royally fucked. Theo Faron (Clive Owen), who doesn't give much of a fuck about any of that, is hired by a group of freedom fighters led by his ex-wife Julian (Julianne Moore) to smuggle a refugee named Kee, who is the first woman to get pregnant in 10 years. The plan is to get Kee to some scientists so they can do tests on her and, hopefully, figure out how to get some damn babies born again.

As Theo, Kee, Julian and her second-in-command, Luke, drive to the group's hideout, a surprise gang of hooligans bombards them with Molotov cocktails and shoots Julian through the windshield, killing her.


Thus depriving the group of their leader and the movie of 85 percent of its star power.

The others manage to get to the hideout, but Theo then finds out that Julian's assassination has actually been orchestrated by Luke, who wants to use Kee for less-than-noble purposes (it's been a tough decade for dudes with pregnant lady fetishes). So Luke has planned the entire attack, and unless Theo starts giving a fuck and does something, they're gonna use Kee to start a bloody revolution.

Why It Was a Stupid Plan:

Did we mention that Luke himself was in the car when it was attacked? Because he totally was. And so was Kee, the same person he desperately needs to be alive. This wasn't a surgical assassination, by the way: They throw a Molotov bomb into the car's windshield and shoot wildly at it from a moving bike, while wearing helmets. Again, this is while Luke is sitting right there, and Kee is right behind him.



"Make sure you don't hit me. I'll be the one shitting my pants and screaming."

Go back and watch the attack -- as an act of random violence it's completely believable, but as a planned hit, it becomes a damned clown show. If the 9-month pregnant Kee is accidentally hit or just has a miscarriage from all the excitement, that's it for Luke's plan.

In a later scene, the very same guy who shoots Julian wants to take out Theo while he's escaping in a car, but is told to stand down because he might hurt Kee. Pretty convenient, since "shooting at the car Kee is in" hadn't been an issue earlier.


"No, don't shoot! Get on your motorcycle first, and then shoot!"

And here's the kicker: At the hideout, Theo also overhears that they had been planning to quietly kill him the next day. If that was a possibility, why not do the same thing with Julian? Hell, kill them both at the same time and tell everyone they reconciled and moved to Paris. Anything would have been better than the plan they went with.

#2. The Lost World: Jurassic Park -- John Hammond Sends a Lunatic to Mess Everything Up for No Reason

Ingen, the company that cloned the dinosaurs in the first Jurassic Park movie, wants to open a new park in the middle of San Diego (because the first one went so well). Luckily for them, there happens to be a second super-secret island filled with dinosaurs that nobody mentioned in the first film, so they'll just go there and grab a few.

John Hammond, the Santa-looking former owner of Ingen, opposes this idea and hires Ian Malcolm (Jeff Goldblum) and three others to obtain a "complete photo record" of the dinosaurs in order to rally enough support to stop the new park from happening. The guys from Ingen show up on the island shortly after Malcolm's group, and start caging animals to transport them, but Hammond had prepared for this eventuality with a secret back-up plan -- namely, this guy:


Wes Mantooth?

Nick Van Owen (Vince Vaughn), acting on Hammond's orders, releases a bunch of dinosaurs from their cages and chaos ensues. Long story short, this ends with a T. Rex wreaking havoc in the middle of San Diego and squashing Ingen's chances to ever open a park there (oh, and several people). Mission accomplished!

Why It Was a Stupid Plan:

Wait a minute! Why was it necessary to release the dinosaurs and get half the people on the island killed? Hammond already had what he wanted: we see Malcolm's team taking pictures of the dinosaurs as soon as they get there. That's all they need to prove that the dinosaurs exist, causing a media panic and forcing Ingen to scrap their plans.



"Freeing angry dinosaurs in a crowded camp isn't murder because we don't call it that!"

Also, did Hammond have to hire a complete lunatic to carry out his plan B? Nick literally causes almost every problem in the film: he lets out the dinosaurs, which destroy Ingen's communications. He brings a hurt baby T. Rex to the trailer, resulting in the parents' attack and the destruction of any remaining haven (plus the death of his pal Eddie). Then, later, after they are stuck on the island and dying, he actually removes the bullets from the badass hunter dude's gun to make sure he doesn't kill the T. Rex.


"Sorry. We need it for the sequels."

This results in even more death and leads to the T. Rex getting to the mainland. Hammond did background checks on all members of the team, so he had to know that Nick was a nutjob before he decided to turn him into his "backup plan."

You know what would have been a much simpler plan? If the former owner of Ingen came out publicly about the existence of dinosaurs. Instead, he sends a complete psycho to the island on what can only be described as a terrorist mission.

#1. Jaws -- Brody, Hooper and Quint Totally Had A Better Boat

The good people of Amity Island are being eaten alive by a 30-foot shark and it's up to alcoholic police chief Brody to save the day, along with alcoholic boat captain Quint and alcoholic shark scientist, Hooper.

After numerous deaths, the Mayor finally closes the beaches and pays Quint to go on his shitty little boat to catch the shark. Then, they drink alcohol, sink the boat, and fucking blow up the shark. All without losing a single man! Except Quint.


"We finally got rid of that fucker. And the shark, too."

Despite it all going to hell, this was the only way it could be done. All they had was that rickety tub, the Orca, and her makeshift barrel tracking system and fishing line. It's not as though they have millions of dollars and some high tech-boat at their fingertips.

Why It Was a Stupid Plan:

Oh, wait. Yes, they do.



"All aboard the S.S. Chekov!"

When the time comes to hunt the shark, everyone seems to forget that Hooper is stupidly rich. When he and Brody go out earlier to look for the shark, they take Hooper's giant rich-guy boat and he explains that he can afford it because he is independently wealthy. He's like Donald Trump meets Jacques Cousteau.


"Yeah, I don't even know what half this stuff does. I just like to spend money."

See that? That's an underwater camera system, which might have come in handy while trying to find a huge creature that moves underwater. He even has something he calls a "fish finder," which we're assuming can find fish. But, no. For some reason, pumping barrels into the shark is a better idea.


We don't know what this is, but we know they sure as fuck didn't have it in the other boat.

Why exactly did they go with Quint's boat again? Hell, why did they go with Quint at all? Nobody liked him, and it's not as though time was an issue anymore once the beaches were closed. Hooper, who is clearly passionate about the situation, could have gotten a whole team there.

At that point they wouldn't even have to kill the shark, which seems like a plus when you're a shark enthusiast who specifically studies Great Whites, a species that we still know very little about. What kind of rich shark lover goes all "Ahab" like that in the first place?



Find more from David on Twitter and Film School Rejects

For more things that don't quite add up in movies, check out The 7 Most Ridiculous Movie Character Overreactions and 7 Classic Star Wars Characters Who Totally Dropped the Ball.

If you're pressed for time and just looking for a quick fix, then check out 'Die Another Day' Was All in Bond's Head: Conspiracy Theory

And stop by LinkSTORM to get your hump on to get over the hump by humping. (Hump.)

Do you have an idea in mind that would make a great article? Then sign up RIGHT NOW and pitch your first article today! Do you possess expert skills in image creation and manipulation? Mediocre? Even rudimentary? Are you frightened by MS Paint and simply have a funny idea? You can create an infographic and you could be on the front page of Cracked.com tomorrow!

And don't forget to follow us on Facebook, Twitter, and Tumblr to get sexy, sexy jokes sent straight to your news feed. Are you on Google+? So are we!

Recommended For Your Pleasure

To turn on reply notifications, click here

934 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!